whut the whut? it's monday...

...and there is no 'member that time.'  in fact, i think i've exhausted my memory stores...turns out, my life is not a sitcom and after 45 posts, i'm back to being a big dull dud.  oh well, i'm cool with it.

which brings me to my 'member that time' replacement segment, called 'i basically suck as a mom.'  i'm serious.  every week, i'm going to tell you about something i'm currently sucking at, and here's why:  katie saldanha recently blogged about how we generally tend to compare our 'behind the scenes' moments with other people's 'spotlight' moments.  i tend to compare my various breakdowns and failures and curb checks with other people's facebook status updates about how they made some awesome craft with their kid out of clothesline, or whittled something, or got out of bed before 8:30 a.m. 

and i vividly recall this time i was pulling into church for bible study (late, mind you), and i was chucking graham crackers over the back of the seat at the kids because that's all the breakfast i had time to cook up for them.  and i pulled in next to this mom who's doing an awesome job feeding her family whole foods and not vaccinating them and treating their various illnesses (which are few and far between because they don't get vaccinated, of course) with something she foraged from the hills.  and i looked down at this box of graham crackers and felt so ashamed that she might see me pelting them at my children - because 1) someone could lose an eye, 2) graham crackers are a far cry from anything resembling nature, and 3) they're from aldi, which says that my concern for my kids' health is only worth about 50% of what it would be if i shopped at hy-vee -

...and i hid the crackers under my purse and waited until she took her kids inside before getting out of my van.

and i think that's the thing with motherhood.  you assume everyone has it all together, and that they're judging you when you don't.  and who knows? this girl may have fed her kids socks for breakfast. and it didn't cross my mind at the time that she was pulling in just as late as i was.  all i knew at the time is that i looked about as effective a mother as an artichoke...and that she knew it.

but you know what?  i think most moms feel like failures.  and i think most moms are failures in a certain way.  which sounds maybe like a downer that i think you're a failure right along with me... but it's kind of liberating in another way - we shouldn't feel this pressure to be something that we're not because we assume the girl in the van next to us doesn't suck as bad as we do.  she does.  but we're also doing a lot of things right (or so it would seem since kids tend to live to adulthood and humankind keeps multiplying at what hippies and democrats would call alarming rates).  and we shouldn't judge ourselves by what we know or just assume other people are doing or not doing.

so - every week, i'm going to post something that gets me a "C"  or lower on my mothering report card.  because i shouldn't have to be ashamed of it, and you should know the truth about me - that i'm more often a flop than a success in life, and that the only thing that gets me past 9:00 a.m. is the grace of god that causes him to keep my children alive in spite of my efforts, and to generally not strike me dead.


Sarah said...

dude, Paige! I want to do this segment with you, because I feel the EXACT same way! let's suck at motherhood together! ;)

Anonymous said...

Have I ever mentioned that I have cried (like ugly cried) to Garrett about my failures as a mom and then stand there is shock when someone compliments me on the fact that I made it to church without the help of anyone (because hubby had to be there at 7am)...and my response to them is "Well, lets just hope that I remembered to change their diapers and I didn't get a shower in this morning and I carry deodorant in my purse because my children make me sweat and I don't have it all together." Yep, motherhood sucks sometimes and it is all I can do to make it to 5pm when the hubby gets home and the kids decide to be little angels for him.

paige said...

i would love to suck at motherhood with you, sarah! and with anyone else who's also loud and proud about crapping it everyone join in!