SISTERS! (and how to foster sibling closeness.)

The Sisters have been THEE CUTEST lately.  Penelope has become a little Mother Hen, Laurelai is an amazing helper and playmate, and Callista has decided that Juniper is the best thing on God's green earth.

Tea party!

Callista, tagging along with Penelope as she's doing shoulder pike presses.  This is why my toddler has better defined biceps than I do.

Penelope has taken bath duty upon herself, and gets the little girls all clean.

Penelope, feeding Juniper her daily egg yolks to fatten her up.

These girls are best friends, and I am so happy for them.  These are eternal relationships that they are getting to form and pour into - how they love each other now matters.  We try to reward and foster positive, loving interactions between them as much as possible now, because we want them to have one another to lean on through this life and beyond.  Parenting is often a 'big-picture/long-haul' endeavor, but I am astounded by how much fruit we're already seeing.  The girls genuinely love each other, look out for each other, and get along well.

A few things we do to foster their closeness:

1.  They share a (small) room.  The big girls even share a double bed.  They are with each other all the time, and while it definitely produces its challenges, it avoids many others.  They do not feel entitled to 'sister-free' time.  They are forced to learn to live in close quarters, learning to respect each others' time, space, property, feelings and needs.

2.  We don't allow disrespectful words or tones of voice between them.  They are free to disagree, but they are not free to yell at each other, get snotty, or speak unkindly to one another.  We have a zero-tolerance policy on this for all the kids.

3.  They are not allowed to exclude each other from games.  Anyone who wants to play gets to play.

4.  We encourage them to take responsibility for serving one another.  Their sisters are theirs.  Sometimes they volunteer for responsibility, like when Penelope bathes the littler girls, or when Laurelai makes sure to gather all of Callista's bedtime needs (clean diaper, jammies, blanket, baby, water) so that Todd can put her to bed.  Laurelai also loves to sing and pray for her little sisters before they're put to bed.  Sometimes the responsibilities are assigned, like when I ask them to 'buddy' with Callista in the parking lot, or when Penelope is assigned the role of buckling Callista into her car seat.  The more ownership they take for one another, the more they learn to rely on each other, as well as feel appreciated by one another.

5.  We encourage them to tell the others what they like, admire, and appreciate about them.  When they mention to us how helpful or kind one of their sisters was to them, we always say something like, "Wow, you have such a kind sister!  Aren't you glad God gave her to you?  Did you tell her thank you?"  Learning not to take one another for granted is essential for good, long-lasting relationships.


It is far from perfect.  They do bicker.  But we have four daughters, and it is nothing like I would have guessed having a gaggle of girls would be like.  They don't backbite.  They don't triangulate.  They don't use words or feelings as weapons.  80% of the time, they're pleasant and cooperative.  They are a pure joy to be around, and I'm so grateful that God gave them each other.  I am excited to see how their relationships grow and develop over time.

advice for going from one kid to two.

A friend of mine who was expecting her second recently asked my advice for keeping the transition smooth when going from one kiddo to two.  Since I actually know quite a few gals who are expecting their second babies right now, I thought I'd share my thoughts here as well!

Rest.

I know there's the temptation to roll your eyes when people say 'sleep when the baby sleeps.' "Do I clean when the baby cleans, and shower when the baby showers, and cook when the baby cooks," you ask.  No, maybe not.  But those are things that you can either do when the baby is awake and in a carrier (or a bouncy seat, as is my preference, or lying safely on the couch or in a pack and play nearby, as has been Juniper's preference), or are things that don't need to happen right away.  Naps are more important than cleaning, if you're allowing them to compete in your mind.  Take a nap and then serve chicken nuggets for dinner.  Take a nap and then shower when your husband gets home.  Take a nap and let the mantel get dusty; in the long run, it's not doing any harm.  But refusing to rest can do you harm. 

As a recovering clean-freak myself, and someone who doesn't really like napping anyway, I had to start seeing rest as a discipline.  It had to stop being optional in my mind.  

Two things are going to hang you up on this point: first, the older kiddo.  If your older kiddo is not in the habit of napping, maybe they should be.  And if they really, really refuse to nap, you can still instate quiet time.  My kids, up through the age of six, spend an hour or two in their beds at the same time each afternoon.  If they sleep, great!  If they don't, oh well.  At least they're contained.  It does take training - no child likes boundaries.  So this might be something to work towards while you're still pregnant if it's not routine in your house yet.  But if you know your older kiddo will be safe in their bed, and that you will have a window of time where you can doze next to the newborn for a bit, you are much more likely to rest.

Here's a bit more about our sleep routines.

Second tripping point: thinking a nap needs to be a naaaaaaaaaap.  Some days, you may only get a 15-minute overlap where the newborn isn't wanting to nurse and the toddler is still in bed.  I have a new mantra for you, both for napping and for life: "Some is better than none."  Some sleep is better than no sleep.

And once the baby is about six weeks old, you can start gently guiding their sleep routine so that you can be on the path to getting more nighttime sleep as well.  Here is a video I did on using Babywise with gentleness, flexibility, and compassion.

Rest, 2.0.

Resting goes way beyond just sleep.  (If you can't tell, I honk the "Rest" horn pretty loud.  If there is one thing I've learned in my course of parenting, it is that there are very few things that are as crucial to family life as adequate rest for everyone.  We have suffered too much at the hands of my refusal to rest early on that I cannot, in clean conscience, shut up about resting.)

Take the first six weeks.  That's about 40 days.  Don't go to MOPS.  Don't go to Target.  Don't go to church.  (In the Old Testament, women were commanded to stay home from the general assembly for 40 days after a boy was born, and 80 after a girl.  God's okay with you missing church after having a baby.  He is protecting you.)  If you absolutely must take your tiny baby out to the pediatrician's office, I guess you absolutely must, but that pediatrician will receive a lot of muttering from me about the insanity of forcing a vulnerable mother and baby out of their nest into a den of infestation and percolation.  STAY AT HOME.  Set boundaries.  

Yes, you'll go stir crazy.  Yes, it will be hard.  But seriously.  It's only six weeks.  If you don't rest, and you end up with a preventable season of PPD (I get that it's too simplistic to say that all PPD can be prevented with adequate sleep, but I really believe many cases can be), it will take you longer than that to crawl out of the hole, so just choose to do the hard work of resting on the front end.  You're capable.  I believe in you.  Stick close to your bed, stay off your feet, rely heavily on freezer meals and meal trains and food delivery.  You need this for your amazing body to heal, and to establish breastfeeding, and to actually get some sleep.

Set the laptop up in your bed so the older kiddo can watch Thomas next to you.  Have a stack of picture books and a basket of snacks nearby so you're not constantly up and down.  Get creative.  Message me if you'd like me to help you troubleshoot.

Practical Logistics.

Park by the cart corral.  I know when you were young and single and carefree, you were told never to park by the cart corral because what if someone hits your car with a cart?  Just reconcile yourself to the fact that your car will one day get written on with gravel and always smell a little like old diapers, and rearrange your priorities.  You're a mom of many now; park right there next to the cart corral.  That way you can load the toddler into the cart right away, and either put the pumpkin seat right in as well, or put the baby in a carrier.  (This is my favorite carrier for really little babies, then at around five months I switch them to this one.)  Then, you can also haul them back that way, and put them in the car right before just popping the cart away.  That way you're not schlepping two babies through the parking lot with no help and no hands.

Keep an umbrella stroller in your car at all times.  A cheap, basic, no-frills umbrella stroller.  This thing is a godsend.  I just plunk the toddler into it when we go to doctor visits, or other public places that don't have carts.  It's mobile restraint.  When you get into the doctor's office, just leave the kiddo in there until it's time to leave, unless it's an absolute must that they come out.  (And I don't mean, "take them out if they don't like it."  They probably won't like it at first.  Again, kids don't naturally like boundaries, and again, it's a trained skill.) The baby goes in a carrier (see a trend?), the toddler goes in the stroller, and you have two hands mostly-free.

Anticipate needs.  Mealtimes will be busy; do as much as you can in advance.  Fill milk cups and prep breakfast the evening before, so that you're not dealing with a hungry toddler/preschooler and a crying newborn.  Don't plan on potty training the older one within the first four months of the baby's birth.  Have a stack of both sizes of diapers, plus wipes, plus extra clothing for each kid, next to the couch, next to your bed, in the van, in your purse, and next to the changing table.  Try to anticipate times in which you'll be needed in two places at once, and try to do as much as you can in advance to help these times go smoothly.

It's okay to make both kids wait.  Often, despite your best efforts, both kids will need something at the same time.  It's okay to tell a toddler to wait a few minutes for seconds on lunch while you nurse the baby.  It's okay to let the baby cry for five minutes in her safe bed while you finish wiping the toddler's butt.  We all have to lay down our "urgency" sometimes, including kiddos.  Don't let these times get your heart racing.  Just remind yourself that it is okay and good for them to learn to wait.

TV is okay.  Maybe you didn't know this.  It's okay if you use it to keep an older child occupied while you do something you absolutely can't do with them underfoot. Be discerning.  Surfing your phone is not a TV-is-my-babysitter kind of situation.  But showering might be.  Sleeping definitely is.  SUPERVISE, THOUGH.  Don't let your young children on YouTube or give them access to the remote.  Let them watch a Daniel Tiger DVD on the laptop in your bed while you sleep, or on the bathroom floor while you shower - do not leave the room when a child is watching TV.  Intentionally pick a show you feel comfortable with, and allow the episode length to be your boundary for how much time you have to get said thing done, and then turn it off.  Here's a helpful hint from me to you: the less TV your child watches on a typical day, the more this works.  If it's just background noise most of the time, it won't occupy them when you need it to.  So turn off the TV until you are ready to employ it as your babysitter, and then let it do its job, and then send it home.

Blanket train the older child.  I'm not sure where this came from originally, but it seems people sometimes react strongly to this idea, so I think I'm using the phrase differently than in its original context.  I'm not sure why people would freak over it, so hear me out.  Get out a crib blanket.  Put 5-7 toys and books on it.  Put the toddler on it and set a timer for 3 minutes.  If they get off, just pick them up, say no, and put them back on it.  Do it however many times you need to.  Then, when the timer goes off, give them a raisin or a chocolate chip.  Eventually, stretch the time to 5 minutes, then 7, then 10, then 15.  Eventually, stop offering a reward every time.  ANNNNNNNNNND, Blanket-Trained.

This is a huge help when you're nursing, in public or at home.  I've heard it referred to as 'a playpen in your purse' - just use a swaddle blanket, a nursing cover, or a towel whenever you need to.  (Usually, if you have a younger baby, you have one or all of these items on hand most of the time anyway.)  It gives the kiddo a visual boundary line, and keeps them from wandering away when you're unable to go after them.  It also teaches them the super valuable lesson of sitting still for a hot sec and getting absorbed in a short stretch of independent play.  Teaching them this skill is a kindness, with all kinds of applications.

And, a final word...

You will feel overwhelmed sometimes.  That's okay and normal.  Unless adding twins, there is no other point in mothering where you literally double your workload all at once, and usually your older child is still young and pretty needy, so the buck stops with you for EVVVVVVVVERYONE'S needs.  You will have to learn how to multiply (rather than divide) your attention and affection for the first time.  Getting out of the house will take eons and you won't know why.  Parenting multiple kids is a learned skill; it takes time to feel comfortable.  Have patience with yourself, and be realistic.

But there's also the flip side: this isn't your first rodeo.  Many of the most important skills are second nature to you by now.  And you will love watching your older child become a sibling - watching them love someone new, someone that you also love, is so bonding and wonderful.  If you can believe it, the new baby will make you love your older kiddo more, not rob from them (or you!)

And for further reminders and help, here is a Facebook video I did on surviving the newborn days...




...and here is a link to a YouTube video I posted on the themes I covered in today's post.

And, as always - don't hesitate to get in touch with me if you have follow-up questions, comments or concerns!  I'm typically easiest to get ahold of through The Minivan Voorsts Facebook page, or my personal page.

how we store toothbrushes to avoid sharing germs.

This seems like a dumb topic to post about, but I will tell you that I have mentally labored over the toothbrush problem for months, so I have zero issues believing that maybe one of you can get some use out of this little tip.

We don't have any vertical storage in our bathroom.  Our mirror doesn't have a cabinet behind it, and other than cavernous cabinet space under the sink, all we have to work with is drawers.  All the kids would toss their toothbrushes into the same drawer, where they'd mingle together, all wet and spitty, until the next toothbrushing session.  This is gross enough.

But add to that the fact that we brush with bar soap at our house, and they were all sharing the same bar of soap.  Last winter, when we could just NOT kick the stomach bug for four straight months, it did occur to me that the bar soap situation wasn't doing us any favors.

View this post on Instagram

A while ago, I mentioned on the blog that I brush my teeth with soap and baking soda. No morning breath, fewer coffee stains, no weird chemicals in my mouth - win/win/win! This is my new favorite kind to use.

A post shared by Paige Van Voorst (@theminivanvoorsts) on Feb 5, 2018 at 9:53am PST

So this fall, I decided we needed to make some proactive changes to prevent so much intimate contact with one another's germs, just for overall hygiene reasons, and to hopefully prevent illness from running completely unchecked for another winter.

I started by buying each of them a color-coded travel set for their toothbrush and soap.  (I've told you before that my kids all have their own assigned colors for everything, right?  Atticus is blue, Penelope is pink, Finneas is green, Laurelai is purple, Rocco is red, and Callista doesn't yet have an assigned color.  It makes it SO easy to keep everyone's stuff organized to be able to figure out the owner of something at a quick glance.)

Then, I cut a couple of bars of soap down, since the soap we use isn't super cheap so I didn't want to buy five whole bars, and because a single bar of soap lasts FOREVER when only being used for toothpaste.

Then I just put everything in an easily-bleached plastic tub under the sink.

All my fingers and toes are crossed that this will do some massive prevention of cross-contamination this winter!

we have an exciting announcement!

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!

There is a new Van Voorst in the making, due to arrive in mid-April!  We are currently fifteen weeks along.

At the ultrasound a few weeks ago, this little nugget was shaped kind of like a big toe with arms and legs, and we could NOT BE MORE IN LOOOOOOOVE!  Oh my gosh, how cute, right?

At the appointment, I was just amazed as I stared at the screen.  Somewhere hidden deep inside me is this whole little person - a person whose story has already begun, whose potential is still unknown, whose personality is all their own, whose calling is already known by God.  This is an eternal soul, an immortal being.  As I watched this little thing kicking and punching and wiggling around, all completely undetected by my own sensations, I was just in awe - yet again - that God would choose to give us such an extraordinary gift.

I know there are arguments out there against having kids, or more kids, or lots of kids.  But staring at that screen, I'm sorry, but it was evident none of those arguments hold a candle to the single argument in favor of inviting new life to dwell with us: it's a miracle.  That's all.  A miracle that we're invited to participate in, that we're invited to be blessed by: the opportunity to invest in something unique and awe-striking and eternal.  I don't care what it costs me; I unashamedly, unabashedly, unhesitatingly want to be part of that.  I do.

This is baby #7 for us as parents.  But this is the first time we will have the blessing of knowing this baby - of hearing their first words, of hearing them laugh, of discovering their passions and talents, of guiding them through their areas of weakness, of teaching them by example to need Jesus, of watching them change the world and display the Gospel in their own specific way.  It's all a gift unique to this child.  We would not have the chance to know this child if we had limited our family size before now.  And staring at that screen, I realized just what I'd be missing out on, how impoverished I would be, without this specific little one.  I'm so grateful for my riches.

SO - all that to say, please congratulate us!  Please enter into our joy with us!  Please join us in anticipating the arrival of this new, precious human person that God has uniquely, purposely created for this exact time and this exact place.  You are witnessing a miracle!

how to avoid getting negative comments about your kids when you're out in public.

Well, it seems that earlier this week, I may have touched on a subject a lot of people can relate to - being told by older women to 'just enjoy these days' with small children.  A lot of the discussion that ensued reminded me of another common experience we have all probably dealt with at one time or another: random comments or questions in public about our kids/our families/our fertility choices - some of them nice, some of them, well, not-so-nice.

Next week, I'll give you a few examples of how I field the most frequent comments I receive ("You have your hands full!"  "You must be busy!"  "Are they all yours?"  "You know how that happens, right?" etc. etc. and on and on and on).  But I think more helpful than learning how to react to comments when they come is learning how to sidestep them in the first place.

Want to know how to get people to stop saying stuff like this to you?  I know you do!

In short, you can't get people to stop saying stuff like this to you entirely (anti-climactic, sorry), so my first piece of advice is...

1. Be realistic.

Whether you have two kids or ten, you will get comments.  Honestly, I think it's mostly because kids are a talking point, and sometimes strangers just want to say something.  If you stop getting defensive every single time someone, in their own awkward way, points out the obvious fact that you have children in order to start a small conversation with you, you'll get along swimmingly.  Expect comments, just learn to steer them in a positive direction!


2a.  Be on the lookout, and...

Keep your eyes up.  You will be able to see a Conversationalist coming.  You will watch them count your kids with their eyes, and then glance up at you with that telltale look of Impending Words, and then...

Look like this...

2b. SMILE AT THEM!

Seriously.  This is my secret weapon.  Smile your biggest, friendliest smile.  Don't look like you think they just crawled out of a dumpster.  Don't look like you're girding your loins.  Look friendly and relaxed and open to conversation.  (You probably aren't friendly and relaxed and open to conversation if you're trucking your kids around the grocery store, but that doesn't matter to the Conversationalist, so just fake it until you make it - for your own sake.)

This works because when you smile, it steals the wind from the sails of the people who are about to try to commiserate with you over how horrible kids are.  It makes them like you more, and perhaps like their own negativity less, which makes them less likely to say something prickly if they still insist on saying something.  In other words, it immediately sorts the benign sheep from the (bull-headed? jackassy? other negative farm descriptor?) goats.  Of course, you're going to get a goat that sneaks through from time to time, because that's the nature of goats (they're wiley), but most of them will be shepherded in the other direction - eyes rolling, of course, but like I said, that's the nature of goats.

Then, when the sheep-half of the spectrum attempts a conversation, you're starting off with a smile.  You're giving them the benefit of the doubt.  So when they ask you, 'Are they all yours?' and you say, 'They are!  Aren't I lucky?' they will likely respond with, 'They're just beautiful!' and you will both smile and move on with your day, glad to have crossed paths.  (If you think this is nonsense, I will tell you this exact conversation happened to me at Aldi on Monday.  It is not uncommon.  It's the Secret of the Smile, I swear to you.)

...not like this.

A few PROACTIVE SUB-POINTS!

These handy tips will work.  I stand by them.  But there are a few extra things you can do to keep your success rate sky-high.

Proactive Sub-Point A:  Discipline your kids.  

Not at the store, that's not what I'm saying.  If you're waiting until you get out in public before you start expecting them to listen to you, you have already allowed that ship to sail.  But if you discipline them well at home, and hold them to standards of civility on a day-to-day basis, you will likely not have many issues at the store.  They will be pleasant and generally well-mannered (even though, yes, they will still be little sinners.  Being in public sometimes exacerbates this, I know.  But do what you can).  Warmly but firmly expect them to respect and obey your authority at home, and they will not act like heathen in public, because they respect you, and like you, and know you mean business.

  

Proactive Sub-Point B: Prepare your kids.  

Before you go ANYWHERE in public, walk them through your expectations: "When we get inside, do we wander from the cart? No.  Do we talk loudly, or try to talk to mom while she's concentrating?  No.  Do we ask to buy anything that we see?  No. Do we fight with one another?  No.  When mom tells us to do something, how quickly should we obey?  That's right - right away, without complaining, excuse or delay.  Our goal is to be PLEASANT and HELPFUL."  And then (and don't forget this part), "What will be the consequence if you do not follow the rules?" Your children should already know.

I realize this is not a Pollyanna world, and this doesn't squelch their depravity perfectly.  My kids still get in tiffs or wander from the cart occasionally, but it really does help to set them up for success to prepare them beforehand.

Proactive Sub-Point C: Treat your kids like you're hoping to win a blue ribbon at the fair.  

Look proud of them.  Allow them to feel appropriately proud of themselves.  When you leave the house, give them a once-over: is their hair brushed?  Are their clothes clean and without stains or rips?  Before you get out of the car, wipe their faces if they're covered in snot or food.  You will draw much more positive attention - and divert a lot of negative attention - when your clan (and, while I'm bossing you around, that includes you yourself) looks relatively clean.  Not fancy.  Not like a magazine family.  But, you know, clean.  Kempt.

Proactive Sub-Point D: STAY CALM.

Whatever you do, try your hardest to keep your cool in public.  I know you're stressed.  I know your pit sweat is downright tidal and is encroaching on your waistband under that cardigan.  I know you're eyeballing the margarita mix.  I know.

But if you keep your cool, your kids will keep their cool, and the strangers around you will keep their cool.  I had a manager of the Dollar Tree come up and ask how I keep my kids so calm.  (As I'm like, ARE YOU SEEING THIS CIRCUS?!  It's all relative; you just have to stay more calm than the average family of miscreants.)  Just yesterday, a gal at the library asked me if 'all of them were mine,' and when I nodded, she said, "But you're so calm!"  People associate kids with chaos.  They expect you to look like your kids have hit you over the head with a shovel and are now attempting to scoop you into a trashcan full of salt with said shovel.  (Home Alone, anyone?)  If you're calm, your kids will be calm, and nothing disarms the general public like calm families.  So stay chill, my man.


So, you see, you have a lot of power in your hands to dictate the general vibe of the conversations in which you find yourself, at least in public.  (Conversations with family are a whole other beast, I'll grant you.)  Are these tips 100% foolproof?  No.  Like I told you, some people in the world are just hell-bent on being turds and sucking you into their vortex of misery.  But if you're proactive and positive, you can create a kind of vortex-forcefield around yourself. (I think it's obvious I have little interest in sci-fi, and am rather nonchalant about the possibility of using the terminology incorrectly.  Shrug.)  Do your best to deter the negativity, and be willing to engage any positivity, and going out in public might actually start being kind of fun.

No, I won't go that far.  I can't promise you that much.

on being told by older women to 'just enjoy these days.'

Earlier this summer, I must've had some kind of stroke and decided to take all the kids with me for a quick trip into Natural Grocers.  They were actually doing pretty well, given the fact that it was lunch time, they were hungry and we were in a grocery store.  But all things considered, it was going pretty smoothly.

An older gal came up behind us in the fridge section, and asked if the kids were all mine.  (This is never not an awkward question, by the way, so if you're ever tempted to ask it of anyone, curb your instincts.)  I nodded that they were, and kind of half-apologized for taking up the entire aisle with all my monkeys.  She then laughed and said she had six of her own, and the youngest was now a senior in high school.  (Note to anyone who has ever been prematurely offended at an off-hand remark from a stranger: you have no idea what their intentions are.  She clearly wasn't judging my life choices when she asked if they were all mine; things could have gone much differently if I had gotten defensive or rude in response to her initial question.)

It turns out, she was a believer, and had even homeschooled all of her kids all the way through high school, so it was fun chatting with a like-minded mom.  Before we parted ways, she said, "If I had it to do all over again, I would slow down and enjoy it more.  Just enjoy your time with them; it goes so fast."

Now, I realize that when you're a young mom, it's easy to eye-roll at comments like these.  It seems like that's all you hear from older women (at least from the ones who aren't literally 'tsk'-ing at you for some insignificant parenting choice, like piercing your baby's ears, for example), and it's easy to feel discouraged by comments like these.  "Don't they remember what it's actually like?  Like it's that easy.  Like I have time or the will to 'just enjoy them.' I can't believe they would say something like that."

But here's my thought: If every. single. older. woman. out there is saying the same thing, maybe they know what they're talking about.  Maybe we are the clueless ones.  Maybe we don't have this motherhood thing figured out after doing this for like two years or eight years or twelve years.  Maybe it really takes decades to learn the deepest truths of motherhood.  Maybe we could use a few pointers.  And maybe, if we would take our youthful, immature, prideful heads out of our butts for like .02, we could learn a little something from the battle-tested women who have gone before us.  Maybe.

I walked out of that Natural Grocers determined to try to enjoy my kids a little more that day.  Not because the kids were inherently more enjoyable, but because I realized that my attitude is my choice.  And the choices I make today will impact how I live tomorrow.  It will impact how I relate to my kids.  It will impact whether I regret how I lived these days.  It will impact my ability to submit more readily to the collective wisdom of the older mothers around me instead of walking around like I have everything figured out.

So here's a little hard-hitting realism for you today: WHO CARES if you don't like the advice older women give you?  WHO CARES if it's unsolicited, or they don't know your whole story, or they seem out of touch, or you don't think their advice applies to you for whatever reason?  Consider the possibility, the likelihood even, that it's worth taking anyway.  Because, sorry, but who made you the expert on motherhood?  Who made your peers the experts?  The circumstance of being a mother is achieved by being given a child; the state of mothering well seems to be achieved through a lot of time and a lot of humility.  Submit yourself to the wisdom of others.  Most people are really just trying to help you succeed.

How's that for a strong start to the new week?

how hard is it to raise a large family?

I think a natural, common question people have about large families is whether or not it's hard.  Or really, I think people assume it's hard, but they want to know how hard.  Specifically, how much harder it is to manage a large family than it is to manage an average-sized family.  A little harder?  A lot harder?

The people want to know.  So I'll do my best to give the people what they want.

I am currently a mom of six.  Someday, I hope to be a mom of even more.  But I think people sometimes forget that I was once a mom of just one.  I was once a mom of just two.  I've lived both lives, so I feel like I have the authority and experience to make a pretty accurate comparison.  And here's what I've found:


It's definitely harder to raise a large family.  Except when it's absolutely, 100% easier than raising an average-sized family.

Yes, there are things that are harder to juggle when the number of kids increase.  I often have 'wait lists' of needs to meet: I can't wipe one kid's butt until I'm finished breastfeeding another kid, and someone else is bleeding because they've gotten into the knife drawer, and it's 2 p.m. and I still haven't eaten breakfast.  There are usually two kids talking to me at one time, frequently there's a fight happening that needs my attention.  Keeping eyes on all the discipline issues can be overwhelming at times, and the constant head-counting in public is really exhausting.  Seasonal clothes swapping is a nightmare.  There are things that are objectively more difficult to manage when there are more kids in the house.

Some things are neutral.  I still go grocery shopping at the same frequency; I just buy more food when I'm there.  I still make dinner every night, I just double the recipe.  Our house is actually smaller now than when we had just three kids.  I think you'd be surprised by how little our home life has needed to change as a result of continuing to grow our family.

But here's the really surprising thing: so many things are so much easier because of the number of kids I have.  They play with each other, which frees me from needing to be the one to entertain them.  They help each other, and they help me.  The extra stuff I have on my plate every day forces me to be more motivated and disciplined, and I'm actually much more productive and have a lot more time for rest than I did when my family was smaller.  To be honest, I would say that each kid starting with kid #4 has made life a little easier and a little easier.

The truth is, a lot of this is because my oldest kids have gotten older.  I have three kids who are four and under at the moment, but it is nothing like it was when my oldest three were that little.  So gradually growing a family is much different than just multiplying toddlers, which I think is the fear so many young moms face when considering whether they're up for having more kids.

So if you find yourself wondering how much harder is it really to have more kids, hear me saying that it ends up kind of being a net wash - if anything, I've actually found the scales tipping toward the easier, more enjoyable side as our family gets larger.

So there you have it.  If you have any questions - general or specific! - about the nitty gritties of managing a family our size, make sure to ask!  I'm happy to field anything you're curious about.

I will be doing a semi-impromptu Facebook Live chat this afternoon on this same general topic - I'm going to shoot for around 2:00, but we all know how the days can get, so the time may be a bit flexible.  If you have any questions or thoughts on the topic of large families, make sure to join in on the Facebook page!

my recipe for homemade toothpaste.

I've mentioned before that we don't use store-bought toothpaste at our house.  Long story short, toothpaste can coat your teeth with glycerin and weird chemicals, preventing the teeth from remineralizing.  And if it can seal out minerals, I'm presuming it can actually seal in cavities.  (But I'm no tooth scientist; just a common-sense mom, if that hasn't been clear.)  Plus, with as much as our kids swallow it, I didn't love reading the ingredient lists on even the natural toothpastes and wondering what the crap I was even looking at.

A while ago, I mentioned on the blog that I brush my teeth with soap and baking soda. No morning breath, fewer coffee stains, no weird chemicals in my mouth - win/win/win! This is my new favorite kind to use.

A post shared by Paige Van Voorst (@theminivanvoorsts) on Feb 5, 2018 at 9:53am PST

So we've been using bar soap to brush our teeth and I've really been liking it.  It has kept our teeth really clean.  But with only one bar of soap between us, we were running into the problem of extensive germ-sharing.  We would each run our toothbrushes along the surface of the soap before brushing, and I strongly suspect it was cycling sickness amongst us.  I was trying to figure out a way to give everyone a separate bar of soap, and to keep them all separate and organized, but a noncomplicated solution was proving elusive. 

My best idea involved a couple baskets hung on the inside of the cupboard doors, with a color-coded water cup holding a color-coded soap dish and toothbrush for each kid.  It's still not out of the realm of possibility that a system like this might someday be unveiled at Chez V.V., but for the time being, I didn't want to spend the time and money hunting around for all the supplies I'd need.  Luckily, a better solution presented itself in the meantime.

I follow The Clementine Bee on Instagram because of the adorable eco-friendly products they offer, and a couple weeks ago, Melissa (the owner) posted the ingredients she was gathering together to make some remineralizing toothpaste for her family.  As it turned out, I had every ingredient in my possession - ironically, from the time four years ago that I had purchased all the supplies to make remineralizing toothpaste... and then promptly forgot about them.  (I have issues with follow-through.)

So the other day, I pulled out everything I'd be using.

Coconut oil
Bentonite clay
Baking soda (OPTIONAL: see note)
Essential oils (I used peppermint and tea tree)
Stevia (liquid or powder)
Trace mineral drops (optional)

I mixed together about 1 part coconut oil, 1/2 part clay, and 1/2 part baking soda.  There is really very little science to this - you really can't mess it up.  Just going by consistency, and keeping in mind that the upcoming summer months would make the coconut oil extra runny, I opted for a bit more clay to keep things stiff.  (In the winter, when coconut oil tends to stay hard in the cooler temperatures, I'll use less clay.)  Note on baking soda: you may be worried about it being too abrasive on your enamel to brush with baking soda, and that's fine!  Just leave it out and increase the clay.

Once I got a consistency that looked good - soft, but able to hold its shape on a toothbrush - I added  a few drops of trace minerals, a few drops of each essential oil, and a few drops of stevia.  (If you're using powdered stevia, add small amounts at a time and taste as you go.)

Once it was mixed, I was back to navigating the germ dilemma.  Did it really accomplish anything for me to put it all in a communal jar that we'd dip our toothbrushes into?  Or, alternatively, did I really want to have to have eight separate jars of toothpaste floating around the bathroom, potentially getting mixed up with each other anyway?

I wanted something sanitary but simple to store.  Like a tube of toothpaste.  But what could I buy that would function like a tube of toothpaste?  Then I remembered I had one lone refillable squeeze pouch a friend had given me last year.  I hadn't found a use for it, so it had just been languishing in the kitchen drawer, all alone and purposeless.  Bingo bango.

It has worked well.  We did have one incident where the toothpaste kind of hardened in the spout for a little while, but once it resolved itself, we haven't had the same issue since.  I also had to duct tape the bottom closed since it did pop open once when the kids were trying to squeeze it.  So it's not a fail-proof system, but it does seem to be working well enough for me to consider it a win!

Honestly, it tastes like toothpaste.  Sweet and minty.  It does have a bit of saltiness from the baking soda, but I could easily add a bit more stevia to cover that up if I minded it, but I don't.

Unfortunately, Penelope and Finneas seem to hate the stronger taste of mint than they're used to, and we've had to overcome some tears and gagging during the transition.  So I promised Penelope that the next time I make this, we'll try lemon essential oil instead of mint.

Overall, I'm really, really happy with this toothpaste, and I'm really hoping it helps keep the kids' teeth healthy and strong.  It tastes good, and cleans SO well.  The only drawbacks I am noticing are that you need to rinse it out well when you're done brushing (it can kind of overstay its welcome), and unlike normal toothpaste residue that creates a white film in the sink, this stuff (being clay-based) can leave a brown, muddy-looking residue.  But since we wipe down the counters and sink daily, it hasn't been horrible to keep on top of.

There you have it!  Who knew you could concoct toothpaste at home?  If you'd like to give it a go yourself, here are the supplies I used:






Okay, okay. I didn't actually use the animal pouches in the bottom list, but HOW CUTE ARE THEY?!?!?!?! I just had to include them. Maybe at some point, I'll make each kid their own tube of toothpaste to keep track of, each with a different animal pouch. Adorable.

I will mention - these affiliate Amazon links are to the smallest packages of the products I already had on hand. You will likely be able to find many of them cheaper or in smaller quantities at your local health food store, or even Aldi!

VLOG: how we fit three kids in one bedroom. (Q&A)

Here are the nitty gritty details regarding how we make a single bedroom work for three kids of different ages and genders!  In this video, I answer the questions you asked on Facebook and Instagram, such as:

How do you put them to bed?

What about differing bedtimes? Differing routines?

How do you keep them from playing with one another at bedtime?

What age did you start them sharing a room?

What age are you comfortable with them using the top bunk?

Do you do mixed gender?

How do you manage decor?

How do you navigate them keeping each other up, or waking each other up?

How to juggle wake up times and expectations?

Do they all sleep through the night?

How do you navigate nap time? Hope it's helpful!

room tour: three kids in one bedroom.

Some people prefer reading posts like this, other people prefer watching stuff like this in video format... so I thought I'd do both today!  Here's a quick tour of our upstairs kids' room.

Penelope, Laurelai, and Rocco all share one room.  It is also the only room on the main level that houses any toys, so it has to accommodate a lot without feeling like a sardine can.



Basically, we have a twin bed for Penelope, a crib for Rocco, and a toddler mattress for Laurelai that trundles under Penelope's bed during the day to give the kids plenty of room to play.

When the kids wake up in the morning, it's their responsibility to make their beds - which, for the girls, means tag-teaming to get Laurelai's bed pushed under Penelope's, and putting both girls' pillows and blankets neatly onto Penelope's bed.  (Rocco's bed usually just stays messy.  Oh well.)

The toys we keep in here are kitchen/toy house items, as well as dolls, Barbies, Little People, and My Little Ponies.  I find it makes it easier for the kids to keep everything organized when there are clear categories for things - we don't have many straggly toys that don't fit a clear category, if that makes sense.

The bin to the right of the kitchen holds toy food and toy brooms; the baskets on top hold Barbies and Little People.

These bins are kept in the closet, out of the way unless they're actively being used for play.

We also keep a couple of bookshelves in here for kids' books and special items.  The two wicker baskets on the bottom shelf are for the girls to keep their special 'treasures' in - anything that is special to them that they'd like to keep out of reach of the other kids.  I think it's important when sharing rooms to give them even just a small space that is intensely personal.

And that's the official tour of their room!  You'll get a much better 'feel' of the space if you watch the video.  Tomorrow, I'll be answering your questions about the logistics of room-sharing with this many kids: bedtimes, wake times, routines, and whether they wake each other up in the middle of the night.  Stay tuned!

our visual family schedule.

Sorry in advance for the terrible photo quality.  We get no natural light from this side of the house, so pictures are hard to take from this direction.

Have you ever read "Managers of Their Homes" by Steve and Teri Maxwell?  If not, you should.  It is full of absolute gold.  It's basically an instruction manual for doing with your time what Dave Ramsey says you should do with your money: make it work for you.  You decide how to spend it.  You decide where it goes and what it does for you.  I don't necessarily believe as strongly as the authors that sticking to a strict daily schedule is a moral issue (I'm more of the 'routines over schedules' type), but I have found many of the principles really helpful and biblical.

Because I'm more of a routine-type, I haven't really felt the need to have a chunked out visual schedule for the family until recently, even though they strongly recommend it (and the book itself actually comes with a kit to accomplish just that).  Lately, however, I've just felt like I'm always dropping a ball somewhere - college girls will show up at my house for meet-ups, for instance, and I'm caught completely off-guard, even though they come at the exact same time every single week.  I just can't keep it all in my brain anymore.

So a few weeks ago, Penelope and I sat down to make a large poster board schedule, with color-coded Post-Its for each activity type.  It took an inordinate amount of time, and I started to worry that I was just wasting my already scattered time on a glorified craft.  (Psychotic scheduling is the crafty-fun-time of the left-brained, Type A, firstborn set.)

I keep it on the inside of the basement door so it doesn't ugly up the rest of the house, and a side benefit of its placement is that I can stare at it from the spot where I eat breakfast and plan my day.

But you know what?  THIS THING HAS SAVED MY LIFE.  That's almost not hyperbole.  Not only can I know, at a glance, what the day will hold, but I've also started using it to move activities around to more efficient time-slots.  I never realized there was a more streamlined way of doing things until I saw it on paper.

Those blue slots are discretionary time for me - helping the kids with their independent school work, running laundry through, taking a shower, reading a book, etc., all happen during the blue slots.

So, for instance, one regular sticking point for us has been Atticus' speech therapy appointments.  I'd scheduled them on Tuesday mornings, which often meant we got no morning school done, throwing the rest of the week totally off as we tried to play catch-up.  But seeing on paper that I was already running a lot of errands on Wednesdays, and very little school is ever scheduled on that day, helped me to realize that scheduling speech then would actually work so much better.  We tried the new arrangement out yesterday, and while it makes for a looooong day of errands, it also meant that it purchased back for us almost an entirely normal half a day on Tuesday.

The weeks are color-coded, too: Oranges are 'out of the house' activities, Pinks and blues are school, bright green/yellow are meet-ups/ministry, light purples are family activities.

It's also helping me brainstorm where to fit things I was frequently dropping the ball on.  I figured out how to fit family quiet time in before breakfast (I'll post more about this soon), and it has been working out really well.  I also noticed that I don't have a regular weekly cleaning time, so I'm trying to puzzle out where that should fit in.

This has been so insanely helpful to me lately; I really have no idea why I was so resistant to doing it sooner.