quarantraining. (and a link to my potty training ebook!)

With all this free time stuck at home lately, I decided - kind of on a whim - to potty train Callista.  We're a week and a half in now, and it seems to have 'stuck', PTL.

If you remember, I tried this already in the Fall, but we both felt overwhelmed by it, so I called it quits, intending to try again during Spring Break.  Well, the week before Spring Break rolled around, and it became obvious that we had nothing going on and nowhere to be, so I just decided to put panties on her one day and get started.

Such a sassy sister.

She has been doing so well - she is a total champ at 'holding it,' so we've only had one full-on accident.  'Releasing on cue' has taken longer, so she often just holds it until she's in a diaper over nap or at night.  (I don't push bladder control during sleeping hours in order to consider them 'trained'; I find it naturally kind of takes care of itself after a while, and I don't have to deal with stripping sheets and giving 2 a.m. baths in the meantime.)

What has been a fantastic development in all of this is that Penelope has become my right-hand gal.  She has basically taken over all potty training duties for me, and it has been freaking amazing.

I was finding that Callista often needed to be sent to the bathroom when I was nursing Juni or cooking, so I would send Penelope in with her.  I started to realize that Penelope was way more successful than I was in consistently getting Callista to pee in the toilet.

I asked Penelope what her magic secret was, and she said she would gently squeeze or push on Lissy's belly to help her feel like she had to go.  Genius.  I have potty trained five (now six) kids, and that never occurred to me; leave it to the nine-year-old to figure it out in two hours.

So now, any time Callista needs to go potty, Penelope jumps right up to help her.  (She loves being helpful, but also I give her M&M's for helping, so that doesn't hurt.)

This "having a million kids" thing really pays off in the long run.

So Callista is now fully potty trained during waking hours - she has successfully made the three-hour trip up to the Amish and back without incident, and we have taken a couple family walks lasting around an hour.  Other than during sleep, she is officially out of diapers!

Thanks, Quarantine!


A whiiiiiiiiile ago, I told you I was writing an ebook on potty training at our house.  It may not be the ultimate authority in the wide, wide world of potty training resources, but it's what has worked for us every time with our kids.  I cover how to know when your kiddo is ready, what you'll need, how to get into the right frame of mind, and when a kiddo's refusal to potty train might become a discipline issue.

I'm including this link to the PDF, but before you click on it you have to PROMISE that you won't be judgy about its unpolished state.  (Maybe someday I'll get around to finishing it up, but that day is not today.)  Deal? Okay.  Click away.

SISTERS! (and how to foster sibling closeness.)

The Sisters have been THEE CUTEST lately.  Penelope has become a little Mother Hen, Laurelai is an amazing helper and playmate, and Callista has decided that Juniper is the best thing on God's green earth.

Tea party!

Callista, tagging along with Penelope as she's doing shoulder pike presses.  This is why my toddler has better defined biceps than I do.

Penelope has taken bath duty upon herself, and gets the little girls all clean.

Penelope, feeding Juniper her daily egg yolks to fatten her up.

These girls are best friends, and I am so happy for them.  These are eternal relationships that they are getting to form and pour into - how they love each other now matters.  We try to reward and foster positive, loving interactions between them as much as possible now, because we want them to have one another to lean on through this life and beyond.  Parenting is often a 'big-picture/long-haul' endeavor, but I am astounded by how much fruit we're already seeing.  The girls genuinely love each other, look out for each other, and get along well.

A few things we do to foster their closeness:

1.  They share a (small) room.  The big girls even share a double bed.  They are with each other all the time, and while it definitely produces its challenges, it avoids many others.  They do not feel entitled to 'sister-free' time.  They are forced to learn to live in close quarters, learning to respect each others' time, space, property, feelings and needs.

2.  We don't allow disrespectful words or tones of voice between them.  They are free to disagree, but they are not free to yell at each other, get snotty, or speak unkindly to one another.  We have a zero-tolerance policy on this for all the kids.

3.  They are not allowed to exclude each other from games.  Anyone who wants to play gets to play.

4.  We encourage them to take responsibility for serving one another.  Their sisters are theirs.  Sometimes they volunteer for responsibility, like when Penelope bathes the littler girls, or when Laurelai makes sure to gather all of Callista's bedtime needs (clean diaper, jammies, blanket, baby, water) so that Todd can put her to bed.  Laurelai also loves to sing and pray for her little sisters before they're put to bed.  Sometimes the responsibilities are assigned, like when I ask them to 'buddy' with Callista in the parking lot, or when Penelope is assigned the role of buckling Callista into her car seat.  The more ownership they take for one another, the more they learn to rely on each other, as well as feel appreciated by one another.

5.  We encourage them to tell the others what they like, admire, and appreciate about them.  When they mention to us how helpful or kind one of their sisters was to them, we always say something like, "Wow, you have such a kind sister!  Aren't you glad God gave her to you?  Did you tell her thank you?"  Learning not to take one another for granted is essential for good, long-lasting relationships.


It is far from perfect.  They do bicker.  But we have four daughters, and it is nothing like I would have guessed having a gaggle of girls would be like.  They don't backbite.  They don't triangulate.  They don't use words or feelings as weapons.  80% of the time, they're pleasant and cooperative.  They are a pure joy to be around, and I'm so grateful that God gave them each other.  I am excited to see how their relationships grow and develop over time.

caring for my people, and the unusual reasons i use essential oils.

In the last two weeks, we've had a weird amount of sickness in the house.  This is unusual for us - we usually don't feel 'hit' by cold and flu season until about February, from which point on we are often sick until June.  (That's life in a large family; the germs just keep making the rounds.)  But here it is, September, and it's in the eighties so it still feels like summer, but my mind is suddenly feeling forced into Doomsday Prepper mode - what will I need to have in my arsenal to hopefully fend off The Crud this winter?

An old photo of broth simmering away on the stovetop and in my pressure cooker.  Remember when my kitchen used to be green and brown?  Rough times.

I have stuff on hand to start brewing Fire Cider.  I have elderberry syrup kits.  I want to get some garlic fermenting.  I have ascorbic acid Vitamin C, colloidal silver, and Vitamin D3/K2 drops.  My freezer is typically stocked with plenty of broth.  And I have essential oils.

I use a nail polish organizer to keep them within easy view inside my linen closet.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again:  I like oils.  They work.  I don't think they're a cure-all for every result of the Fall, but I do think they're a helpful part of a greater wellness arsenal.

I have been musing on home life lately, and looking to author-mentors to guide me along the way, and two things that have continued to come to mind through my readings are atmosphere and memory.  And I realized that essential oils could play a much larger part in a home atmosphere of care and compassion than I first realized.

To use an example, if a child has a headache, and I give them a Tylenol to swallow, it may help the headache, but it has mostly removed me personally from the process.  I have solved the problem, but I have not necessarily entered into the sickness.  However, to use a medium like essential oils is to touch my hurting child.  Some of the oils themselves, like peppermint or eucalyptus, feel immediately soothing, and my hands administer that.

Personally, I need this opportunity.  I'm not particularly patient with illness; it frustrates and exasperates me when the kids are sick.  I know myself too well to think I can be trusted with a cabinet full of easy, impersonal pills as my first line of defense.  I need to be trained to enter into my kids' suffering with compassion, understanding and patience.

(Now, I realize there may come a time for pharmaceuticals.  But I want to make my first attempts mine.  I want to be personally, intimately there with my kiddo as much as I can.)

Additionally, not only do oils utilize healing touch, but they also have distinct smells.  Which, I know, duh.  But the sense of smell is strongly linked to memory, and I want to leverage every tool at my disposal to help my kids form good memories of their life in our home.  Edith Schaeffer says that the only way to keep time is to take it with us into the future as memories.  Our life on earth is fleeting, but we can redeem the passing time by hanging onto as much of it as we can through intentional memory-making.  I want my adult kids to smell peppermint and experience comfort as they remember me rubbing their heads or their bellies when they didn't feel well.  I want them to have triggers for memories of being cared for and loved well when they were at their most vulnerable.

So I have made it a point lately to pull out my oils when there are opportunities to do so, and my kids are noticing.  They are asking for them, and telling me how much they like it when I use them.  I know that in our home, an atmosphere of care and compassion is slowly growing like leaven through a lump of dough, and I'm excited by that.  And time will tell whether they're forming the memories I hope they are, but I can pray they are and I'm doing what I can to help them.

Practically speaking, if you haven't used oils much, I can tell you that you don't need a ton of them to start, and you don't need to buy super pricey ones.  Plant Therapy is an excellent, super high quality brand, and Edens Garden is also good and comes in prettier packaging.  (Priorities, am I right?)  Most of the oils and blends I use are in the $8-$13 range, which helps me feel like I'm balancing the stewardship of both our heath and our finances at the same time.

These are the oils that I personally use the most:

Peppermint: for headaches and tummy aches in kids over six.  Peppermint can irritate airways in younger kids, so we don't use it on them.  Plant Therapy (here and here) and Edens Garden (here and here) both offer oil blends for these ailments that are safe for younger kids.  For the older kids, I buy the kind already diluted in a roller bottle, as it makes it easy to apply, and peppermint is a strong oil so I want to make sure the dilution is correct.

Lavender: for headaches, sleep disturbances, stress, and skin issues (rashes, itchiness).

Tea tree/melaleuca: as an antibacterial in cuts and scrapes.  I also sometimes put it in homemade cleaning solutions for extra germ-fighting.


A couple extras that get more occasional use:

Helichrysum: to stop bleeding.  EXCELLENT for nose bleeds.  It's a pricey oil, though, and while I'm glad I have it, I'd be able to live without it if I needed to, as my kids aren't major bleeders.

Frankincense: for skin issues, especially scarring.  This oil is also a bit more expensive than the first three (though not as expensive as helichrysum), and gets less use.  I just personally have a major beef with scarring, so I like having it on hand, but it's not absolutely necessary.

Healthy Hero: a kid-safe immunity blend.  (Did you know Thieves is not recommended for use around children under the age of 10?  As this is the age range most of my kids are in, I don't even have a normal/non-kid-safe version on hand.  It's important to me to make sure I'm not risking their health when I'm trying to build their health!) I honestly don't use this as much as I could/should, but it does get pulled out occasionally.


And, not related to curing illness, but for creating atmosphere and smell-linked memories in our home, I've fallen in love with diffusing this lately:

It is called Lemongrass Ylang Ylang from Edens Garden, and it has magnolia in it, so it's definitely floral.  But it's balanced with citrus, which smells really clean.  It might not be for everyone, but we love it!  I have become super sensitive over the last few years to synthetic fragrances, and 'stuff' in the air.  Sometimes I even get physically ill.  But oils haven't done that to me, so I like having an intentional scent in our home that doesn't make me feel crappy, or put toxins in the air around the kids.


So while those aren't earth-shattering reasons to use oils, I do feel like they're the most compelling ones in our house, and ones I don't see mentioned often in the discussion.  Soon, I'll fill you in on another surprising tool that Scripture instructs us to have in our wellness arsenal...

advice for going from one kid to two.

A friend of mine who was expecting her second recently asked my advice for keeping the transition smooth when going from one kiddo to two.  Since I actually know quite a few gals who are expecting their second babies right now, I thought I'd share my thoughts here as well!

Rest.

I know there's the temptation to roll your eyes when people say 'sleep when the baby sleeps.' "Do I clean when the baby cleans, and shower when the baby showers, and cook when the baby cooks," you ask.  No, maybe not.  But those are things that you can either do when the baby is awake and in a carrier (or a bouncy seat, as is my preference, or lying safely on the couch or in a pack and play nearby, as has been Juniper's preference), or are things that don't need to happen right away.  Naps are more important than cleaning, if you're allowing them to compete in your mind.  Take a nap and then serve chicken nuggets for dinner.  Take a nap and then shower when your husband gets home.  Take a nap and let the mantel get dusty; in the long run, it's not doing any harm.  But refusing to rest can do you harm. 

As a recovering clean-freak myself, and someone who doesn't really like napping anyway, I had to start seeing rest as a discipline.  It had to stop being optional in my mind.  

Two things are going to hang you up on this point: first, the older kiddo.  If your older kiddo is not in the habit of napping, maybe they should be.  And if they really, really refuse to nap, you can still instate quiet time.  My kids, up through the age of six, spend an hour or two in their beds at the same time each afternoon.  If they sleep, great!  If they don't, oh well.  At least they're contained.  It does take training - no child likes boundaries.  So this might be something to work towards while you're still pregnant if it's not routine in your house yet.  But if you know your older kiddo will be safe in their bed, and that you will have a window of time where you can doze next to the newborn for a bit, you are much more likely to rest.

Here's a bit more about our sleep routines.

Second tripping point: thinking a nap needs to be a naaaaaaaaaap.  Some days, you may only get a 15-minute overlap where the newborn isn't wanting to nurse and the toddler is still in bed.  I have a new mantra for you, both for napping and for life: "Some is better than none."  Some sleep is better than no sleep.

And once the baby is about six weeks old, you can start gently guiding their sleep routine so that you can be on the path to getting more nighttime sleep as well.  Here is a video I did on using Babywise with gentleness, flexibility, and compassion.

Rest, 2.0.

Resting goes way beyond just sleep.  (If you can't tell, I honk the "Rest" horn pretty loud.  If there is one thing I've learned in my course of parenting, it is that there are very few things that are as crucial to family life as adequate rest for everyone.  We have suffered too much at the hands of my refusal to rest early on that I cannot, in clean conscience, shut up about resting.)

Take the first six weeks.  That's about 40 days.  Don't go to MOPS.  Don't go to Target.  Don't go to church.  (In the Old Testament, women were commanded to stay home from the general assembly for 40 days after a boy was born, and 80 after a girl.  God's okay with you missing church after having a baby.  He is protecting you.)  If you absolutely must take your tiny baby out to the pediatrician's office, I guess you absolutely must, but that pediatrician will receive a lot of muttering from me about the insanity of forcing a vulnerable mother and baby out of their nest into a den of infestation and percolation.  STAY AT HOME.  Set boundaries.  

Yes, you'll go stir crazy.  Yes, it will be hard.  But seriously.  It's only six weeks.  If you don't rest, and you end up with a preventable season of PPD (I get that it's too simplistic to say that all PPD can be prevented with adequate sleep, but I really believe many cases can be), it will take you longer than that to crawl out of the hole, so just choose to do the hard work of resting on the front end.  You're capable.  I believe in you.  Stick close to your bed, stay off your feet, rely heavily on freezer meals and meal trains and food delivery.  You need this for your amazing body to heal, and to establish breastfeeding, and to actually get some sleep.

Set the laptop up in your bed so the older kiddo can watch Thomas next to you.  Have a stack of picture books and a basket of snacks nearby so you're not constantly up and down.  Get creative.  Message me if you'd like me to help you troubleshoot.

Practical Logistics.

Park by the cart corral.  I know when you were young and single and carefree, you were told never to park by the cart corral because what if someone hits your car with a cart?  Just reconcile yourself to the fact that your car will one day get written on with gravel and always smell a little like old diapers, and rearrange your priorities.  You're a mom of many now; park right there next to the cart corral.  That way you can load the toddler into the cart right away, and either put the pumpkin seat right in as well, or put the baby in a carrier.  (This is my favorite carrier for really little babies, then at around five months I switch them to this one.)  Then, you can also haul them back that way, and put them in the car right before just popping the cart away.  That way you're not schlepping two babies through the parking lot with no help and no hands.

Keep an umbrella stroller in your car at all times.  A cheap, basic, no-frills umbrella stroller.  This thing is a godsend.  I just plunk the toddler into it when we go to doctor visits, or other public places that don't have carts.  It's mobile restraint.  When you get into the doctor's office, just leave the kiddo in there until it's time to leave, unless it's an absolute must that they come out.  (And I don't mean, "take them out if they don't like it."  They probably won't like it at first.  Again, kids don't naturally like boundaries, and again, it's a trained skill.) The baby goes in a carrier (see a trend?), the toddler goes in the stroller, and you have two hands mostly-free.

Anticipate needs.  Mealtimes will be busy; do as much as you can in advance.  Fill milk cups and prep breakfast the evening before, so that you're not dealing with a hungry toddler/preschooler and a crying newborn.  Don't plan on potty training the older one within the first four months of the baby's birth.  Have a stack of both sizes of diapers, plus wipes, plus extra clothing for each kid, next to the couch, next to your bed, in the van, in your purse, and next to the changing table.  Try to anticipate times in which you'll be needed in two places at once, and try to do as much as you can in advance to help these times go smoothly.

It's okay to make both kids wait.  Often, despite your best efforts, both kids will need something at the same time.  It's okay to tell a toddler to wait a few minutes for seconds on lunch while you nurse the baby.  It's okay to let the baby cry for five minutes in her safe bed while you finish wiping the toddler's butt.  We all have to lay down our "urgency" sometimes, including kiddos.  Don't let these times get your heart racing.  Just remind yourself that it is okay and good for them to learn to wait.

TV is okay.  Maybe you didn't know this.  It's okay if you use it to keep an older child occupied while you do something you absolutely can't do with them underfoot. Be discerning.  Surfing your phone is not a TV-is-my-babysitter kind of situation.  But showering might be.  Sleeping definitely is.  SUPERVISE, THOUGH.  Don't let your young children on YouTube or give them access to the remote.  Let them watch a Daniel Tiger DVD on the laptop in your bed while you sleep, or on the bathroom floor while you shower - do not leave the room when a child is watching TV.  Intentionally pick a show you feel comfortable with, and allow the episode length to be your boundary for how much time you have to get said thing done, and then turn it off.  Here's a helpful hint from me to you: the less TV your child watches on a typical day, the more this works.  If it's just background noise most of the time, it won't occupy them when you need it to.  So turn off the TV until you are ready to employ it as your babysitter, and then let it do its job, and then send it home.

Blanket train the older child.  I'm not sure where this came from originally, but it seems people sometimes react strongly to this idea, so I think I'm using the phrase differently than in its original context.  I'm not sure why people would freak over it, so hear me out.  Get out a crib blanket.  Put 5-7 toys and books on it.  Put the toddler on it and set a timer for 3 minutes.  If they get off, just pick them up, say no, and put them back on it.  Do it however many times you need to.  Then, when the timer goes off, give them a raisin or a chocolate chip.  Eventually, stretch the time to 5 minutes, then 7, then 10, then 15.  Eventually, stop offering a reward every time.  ANNNNNNNNNND, Blanket-Trained.

This is a huge help when you're nursing, in public or at home.  I've heard it referred to as 'a playpen in your purse' - just use a swaddle blanket, a nursing cover, or a towel whenever you need to.  (Usually, if you have a younger baby, you have one or all of these items on hand most of the time anyway.)  It gives the kiddo a visual boundary line, and keeps them from wandering away when you're unable to go after them.  It also teaches them the super valuable lesson of sitting still for a hot sec and getting absorbed in a short stretch of independent play.  Teaching them this skill is a kindness, with all kinds of applications.

And, a final word...

You will feel overwhelmed sometimes.  That's okay and normal.  Unless adding twins, there is no other point in mothering where you literally double your workload all at once, and usually your older child is still young and pretty needy, so the buck stops with you for EVVVVVVVVERYONE'S needs.  You will have to learn how to multiply (rather than divide) your attention and affection for the first time.  Getting out of the house will take eons and you won't know why.  Parenting multiple kids is a learned skill; it takes time to feel comfortable.  Have patience with yourself, and be realistic.

But there's also the flip side: this isn't your first rodeo.  Many of the most important skills are second nature to you by now.  And you will love watching your older child become a sibling - watching them love someone new, someone that you also love, is so bonding and wonderful.  If you can believe it, the new baby will make you love your older kiddo more, not rob from them (or you!)

And for further reminders and help, here is a Facebook video I did on surviving the newborn days...




...and here is a link to a YouTube video I posted on the themes I covered in today's post.

And, as always - don't hesitate to get in touch with me if you have follow-up questions, comments or concerns!  I'm typically easiest to get ahold of through The Minivan Voorsts Facebook page, or my personal page.

we have an exciting announcement!

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!

There is a new Van Voorst in the making, due to arrive in mid-April!  We are currently fifteen weeks along.

At the ultrasound a few weeks ago, this little nugget was shaped kind of like a big toe with arms and legs, and we could NOT BE MORE IN LOOOOOOOVE!  Oh my gosh, how cute, right?

At the appointment, I was just amazed as I stared at the screen.  Somewhere hidden deep inside me is this whole little person - a person whose story has already begun, whose potential is still unknown, whose personality is all their own, whose calling is already known by God.  This is an eternal soul, an immortal being.  As I watched this little thing kicking and punching and wiggling around, all completely undetected by my own sensations, I was just in awe - yet again - that God would choose to give us such an extraordinary gift.

I know there are arguments out there against having kids, or more kids, or lots of kids.  But staring at that screen, I'm sorry, but it was evident none of those arguments hold a candle to the single argument in favor of inviting new life to dwell with us: it's a miracle.  That's all.  A miracle that we're invited to participate in, that we're invited to be blessed by: the opportunity to invest in something unique and awe-striking and eternal.  I don't care what it costs me; I unashamedly, unabashedly, unhesitatingly want to be part of that.  I do.

This is baby #7 for us as parents.  But this is the first time we will have the blessing of knowing this baby - of hearing their first words, of hearing them laugh, of discovering their passions and talents, of guiding them through their areas of weakness, of teaching them by example to need Jesus, of watching them change the world and display the Gospel in their own specific way.  It's all a gift unique to this child.  We would not have the chance to know this child if we had limited our family size before now.  And staring at that screen, I realized just what I'd be missing out on, how impoverished I would be, without this specific little one.  I'm so grateful for my riches.

SO - all that to say, please congratulate us!  Please enter into our joy with us!  Please join us in anticipating the arrival of this new, precious human person that God has uniquely, purposely created for this exact time and this exact place.  You are witnessing a miracle!

atticus got baptized!

Atticus decided a few weeks ago that he wanted to get baptized, so when it was announced that baptisms were being held this past weekend, he was quick to want to sign up.  We invited family down, and spent the weekend celebrating this major milestone in his life!

He spent weeks working on the outline for what he wanted to say, and it was incredible.  It was also especially exciting that Todd got the privilege of being the one to baptize him.

He was so excited.  Todd said that afterward, while Atticus was getting changed into dry clothes, he just kept saying, "I can't believe it!  I'm baptized!  I'm so excited!  I'm so happy, I feel like crying!"  It was so sweet.  I am so very happy for him, and proud of him.

Congratulations, Buddy!

how to avoid getting negative comments about your kids when you're out in public.

Well, it seems that earlier this week, I may have touched on a subject a lot of people can relate to - being told by older women to 'just enjoy these days' with small children.  A lot of the discussion that ensued reminded me of another common experience we have all probably dealt with at one time or another: random comments or questions in public about our kids/our families/our fertility choices - some of them nice, some of them, well, not-so-nice.

Next week, I'll give you a few examples of how I field the most frequent comments I receive ("You have your hands full!"  "You must be busy!"  "Are they all yours?"  "You know how that happens, right?" etc. etc. and on and on and on).  But I think more helpful than learning how to react to comments when they come is learning how to sidestep them in the first place.

Want to know how to get people to stop saying stuff like this to you?  I know you do!

In short, you can't get people to stop saying stuff like this to you entirely (anti-climactic, sorry), so my first piece of advice is...

1. Be realistic.

Whether you have two kids or ten, you will get comments.  Honestly, I think it's mostly because kids are a talking point, and sometimes strangers just want to say something.  If you stop getting defensive every single time someone, in their own awkward way, points out the obvious fact that you have children in order to start a small conversation with you, you'll get along swimmingly.  Expect comments, just learn to steer them in a positive direction!


2a.  Be on the lookout, and...

Keep your eyes up.  You will be able to see a Conversationalist coming.  You will watch them count your kids with their eyes, and then glance up at you with that telltale look of Impending Words, and then...

Look like this...

2b. SMILE AT THEM!

Seriously.  This is my secret weapon.  Smile your biggest, friendliest smile.  Don't look like you think they just crawled out of a dumpster.  Don't look like you're girding your loins.  Look friendly and relaxed and open to conversation.  (You probably aren't friendly and relaxed and open to conversation if you're trucking your kids around the grocery store, but that doesn't matter to the Conversationalist, so just fake it until you make it - for your own sake.)

This works because when you smile, it steals the wind from the sails of the people who are about to try to commiserate with you over how horrible kids are.  It makes them like you more, and perhaps like their own negativity less, which makes them less likely to say something prickly if they still insist on saying something.  In other words, it immediately sorts the benign sheep from the (bull-headed? jackassy? other negative farm descriptor?) goats.  Of course, you're going to get a goat that sneaks through from time to time, because that's the nature of goats (they're wiley), but most of them will be shepherded in the other direction - eyes rolling, of course, but like I said, that's the nature of goats.

Then, when the sheep-half of the spectrum attempts a conversation, you're starting off with a smile.  You're giving them the benefit of the doubt.  So when they ask you, 'Are they all yours?' and you say, 'They are!  Aren't I lucky?' they will likely respond with, 'They're just beautiful!' and you will both smile and move on with your day, glad to have crossed paths.  (If you think this is nonsense, I will tell you this exact conversation happened to me at Aldi on Monday.  It is not uncommon.  It's the Secret of the Smile, I swear to you.)

...not like this.

A few PROACTIVE SUB-POINTS!

These handy tips will work.  I stand by them.  But there are a few extra things you can do to keep your success rate sky-high.

Proactive Sub-Point A:  Discipline your kids.  

Not at the store, that's not what I'm saying.  If you're waiting until you get out in public before you start expecting them to listen to you, you have already allowed that ship to sail.  But if you discipline them well at home, and hold them to standards of civility on a day-to-day basis, you will likely not have many issues at the store.  They will be pleasant and generally well-mannered (even though, yes, they will still be little sinners.  Being in public sometimes exacerbates this, I know.  But do what you can).  Warmly but firmly expect them to respect and obey your authority at home, and they will not act like heathen in public, because they respect you, and like you, and know you mean business.

  

Proactive Sub-Point B: Prepare your kids.  

Before you go ANYWHERE in public, walk them through your expectations: "When we get inside, do we wander from the cart? No.  Do we talk loudly, or try to talk to mom while she's concentrating?  No.  Do we ask to buy anything that we see?  No. Do we fight with one another?  No.  When mom tells us to do something, how quickly should we obey?  That's right - right away, without complaining, excuse or delay.  Our goal is to be PLEASANT and HELPFUL."  And then (and don't forget this part), "What will be the consequence if you do not follow the rules?" Your children should already know.

I realize this is not a Pollyanna world, and this doesn't squelch their depravity perfectly.  My kids still get in tiffs or wander from the cart occasionally, but it really does help to set them up for success to prepare them beforehand.

Proactive Sub-Point C: Treat your kids like you're hoping to win a blue ribbon at the fair.  

Look proud of them.  Allow them to feel appropriately proud of themselves.  When you leave the house, give them a once-over: is their hair brushed?  Are their clothes clean and without stains or rips?  Before you get out of the car, wipe their faces if they're covered in snot or food.  You will draw much more positive attention - and divert a lot of negative attention - when your clan (and, while I'm bossing you around, that includes you yourself) looks relatively clean.  Not fancy.  Not like a magazine family.  But, you know, clean.  Kempt.

Proactive Sub-Point D: STAY CALM.

Whatever you do, try your hardest to keep your cool in public.  I know you're stressed.  I know your pit sweat is downright tidal and is encroaching on your waistband under that cardigan.  I know you're eyeballing the margarita mix.  I know.

But if you keep your cool, your kids will keep their cool, and the strangers around you will keep their cool.  I had a manager of the Dollar Tree come up and ask how I keep my kids so calm.  (As I'm like, ARE YOU SEEING THIS CIRCUS?!  It's all relative; you just have to stay more calm than the average family of miscreants.)  Just yesterday, a gal at the library asked me if 'all of them were mine,' and when I nodded, she said, "But you're so calm!"  People associate kids with chaos.  They expect you to look like your kids have hit you over the head with a shovel and are now attempting to scoop you into a trashcan full of salt with said shovel.  (Home Alone, anyone?)  If you're calm, your kids will be calm, and nothing disarms the general public like calm families.  So stay chill, my man.


So, you see, you have a lot of power in your hands to dictate the general vibe of the conversations in which you find yourself, at least in public.  (Conversations with family are a whole other beast, I'll grant you.)  Are these tips 100% foolproof?  No.  Like I told you, some people in the world are just hell-bent on being turds and sucking you into their vortex of misery.  But if you're proactive and positive, you can create a kind of vortex-forcefield around yourself. (I think it's obvious I have little interest in sci-fi, and am rather nonchalant about the possibility of using the terminology incorrectly.  Shrug.)  Do your best to deter the negativity, and be willing to engage any positivity, and going out in public might actually start being kind of fun.

No, I won't go that far.  I can't promise you that much.

on being told by older women to 'just enjoy these days.'

Earlier this summer, I must've had some kind of stroke and decided to take all the kids with me for a quick trip into Natural Grocers.  They were actually doing pretty well, given the fact that it was lunch time, they were hungry and we were in a grocery store.  But all things considered, it was going pretty smoothly.

An older gal came up behind us in the fridge section, and asked if the kids were all mine.  (This is never not an awkward question, by the way, so if you're ever tempted to ask it of anyone, curb your instincts.)  I nodded that they were, and kind of half-apologized for taking up the entire aisle with all my monkeys.  She then laughed and said she had six of her own, and the youngest was now a senior in high school.  (Note to anyone who has ever been prematurely offended at an off-hand remark from a stranger: you have no idea what their intentions are.  She clearly wasn't judging my life choices when she asked if they were all mine; things could have gone much differently if I had gotten defensive or rude in response to her initial question.)

It turns out, she was a believer, and had even homeschooled all of her kids all the way through high school, so it was fun chatting with a like-minded mom.  Before we parted ways, she said, "If I had it to do all over again, I would slow down and enjoy it more.  Just enjoy your time with them; it goes so fast."

Now, I realize that when you're a young mom, it's easy to eye-roll at comments like these.  It seems like that's all you hear from older women (at least from the ones who aren't literally 'tsk'-ing at you for some insignificant parenting choice, like piercing your baby's ears, for example), and it's easy to feel discouraged by comments like these.  "Don't they remember what it's actually like?  Like it's that easy.  Like I have time or the will to 'just enjoy them.' I can't believe they would say something like that."

But here's my thought: If every. single. older. woman. out there is saying the same thing, maybe they know what they're talking about.  Maybe we are the clueless ones.  Maybe we don't have this motherhood thing figured out after doing this for like two years or eight years or twelve years.  Maybe it really takes decades to learn the deepest truths of motherhood.  Maybe we could use a few pointers.  And maybe, if we would take our youthful, immature, prideful heads out of our butts for like .02, we could learn a little something from the battle-tested women who have gone before us.  Maybe.

I walked out of that Natural Grocers determined to try to enjoy my kids a little more that day.  Not because the kids were inherently more enjoyable, but because I realized that my attitude is my choice.  And the choices I make today will impact how I live tomorrow.  It will impact how I relate to my kids.  It will impact whether I regret how I lived these days.  It will impact my ability to submit more readily to the collective wisdom of the older mothers around me instead of walking around like I have everything figured out.

So here's a little hard-hitting realism for you today: WHO CARES if you don't like the advice older women give you?  WHO CARES if it's unsolicited, or they don't know your whole story, or they seem out of touch, or you don't think their advice applies to you for whatever reason?  Consider the possibility, the likelihood even, that it's worth taking anyway.  Because, sorry, but who made you the expert on motherhood?  Who made your peers the experts?  The circumstance of being a mother is achieved by being given a child; the state of mothering well seems to be achieved through a lot of time and a lot of humility.  Submit yourself to the wisdom of others.  Most people are really just trying to help you succeed.

How's that for a strong start to the new week?

child training: training the attitudes versus the emotions.

A while back, I had been feeling really overwhelmed by a lot of the grumbling, arguing, and sulking that was happening around here.  I didn't really know how to go about rectifying things, though - we already spent a lot of time talking about how our feelings can lie to us, and when that happens, how to choose to believe truth rather than our feelings. But I was having a hard time knowing what to do about the general moodiness and malaise I was having to contend with from the peanut gallery on a daily basis.

The Principles Behind Attitude Training.

I honestly had the fear that, if I were to try to train their emotions, the kids would just bottle everything up and stuff it down and eventually go on a bender or a rampage as adults.  If I were to attempt to train their emotions, I would be committing the sin of 'not reaching their hearts'.  I think it's a common fear parents have in our current culture.  But I felt so stuck, because the moodiness was controlling our home and our relationships.  So I started to think about what the Bible has to say about emotions.

What I noticed is that, while the Bible doesn't necessarily command us to feel certain ways, it does command us to adopt certain attitudes - to make choices based on right thinking, which leads to right acting, which, funnily enough, has implications for our emotions.  Feeling happy and being joyful are two different things.  God doesn't tell us to feel happy.  But he does - often - tell us to be joyful, even in less-than-happy circumstances.  In fact, most of the fruits of the Spirit are attitudes.  And if God desires it, and commands it, and wants to foster it in us, then we should value it enough to try to train our kids in those paths.

I started teaching the kids that their attitudes are not enslaved to their emotions, as we tend to assume they are, but rather their emotions are chained to their attitudes.  When we choose cheerfulness, even when doing a job we really don't like, we actually tend to start feeling more cheerful.  When we choose kindness, even when we feel annoyed with a sibling, we tend to start feeling more kind.  Right thinking and right action (in other words, right attitude) lead to positive emotions.

It doesn't mean that we squash their feelings, or teach them to bottle everything up, but it does place a higher value on reveling in feelings that correspond with truth.  And I think that's why 'self-control' is the last mentioned fruit of the Spirit, after a long list of attitudes.  If a child can realize they're in control of their own self, emotions and all, love will be easier.  Joy will be easier.  Peace, patience, and kindness will be easier.  In other words, any good, enjoyable work that the Spirit wishes to do in their hearts will be met with so much more cooperation in a person who has self-control: control over their whole self.

The more I've talked with the kids about this, and corrected wrong attitudes when they've arisen, the more amazed I am at how God knows what he's talking about in this area.  (Shocker!)  I can't command my kids to feel happy when they're told to clean their rooms.  That's pointless and unhelpful, as I don't have the right or authority to tell them 'just feel differently.'  But I can address their grumbling and disrespect when they don't want to clean their rooms - I can talk to them about why grumbling is such an affront to God, and how he wants us to respond instead.  I can model for them an appropriate response, and practice with them over and over until they respond cheerfully.  And I can cheer them on when, time after time, a cheerful response leads to a real feeling of happiness.

The Practical How-To's of Attitude Training.

It has really worked wonders with all of my kids, but one of them specifically is just thriving since I've started being diligent about training them in this area.  This kiddo is given to moodiness and a melancholy disposition a lot of the time.  Teaching them that they (not their feelings) are in charge of their responses, has really lit a fire in them to exercise power over their moods.  It has been so great for all of us - for me, because I feel a cloud lifting from our daily life, and for this kiddo because I think they feel 'in charge' of themselves for the first time!  They don't feel constantly tossed around all day long.  To be honest, this kid is so much happier.  Attitude training has helped them feel better.

One thing that has really helped in all of this (beyond LOTS of talking about heart attitudes) is practicing with them.  If a kid is grumbly, I'll take them aside and say, "No, that's a grumbly response.  Let's try it again with a cheerful attitude.  Let's un-scowl our eyebrows first - lift them high, like this!  Then we're going to wiggle the scowls out of our bodies - wiggle! Relax!  Then we're going to respond in a cheerful voice, so put the scowly voice away.  I'm going to tell you again to clean your room, and I want you to respond rightly this time.  I'll show you - listen to how I say it: 'Okay, Mom!'"

Often at this point, the scowly eyebrows and scowly voice are still sticking around, so I start again.  And I do it again and again and again with them repeating after me until it's perfect.  Not just better, but actually cheerful.  We often have to do it ten or fifteen times.  The word I keep repeating to myself internally is, "Outlast."  Outlast their mood.  Outlast it.  WIN.  It is so funny how little kids seem absolutely unable to act in a way that's inconsistent with their feelings, so if their behavior is addressed, their feelings closely follow suit.  If I can finally get a kid to speak to me cheerfully, their emotions are usually in agreement by that point.  It's counterintuitive, but it works.

The older kids are better able to master acting one way while hanging on to the grumbles on the inside, which is not what I'm going for.  I want to teach them to be truly experiencing heart change, not just giving me lip service.  So talking takes longer, but they're really responsive to reason.  "I understand why that was frustrating to you.  Your brother said something unkind and untrue, and I will definitely address those things with him.  But do you see how your anger is stemming from a place of feeling like you're owed a good name?  If you know that what he said isn't true of you, why are you angry?  If you have a clean conscience in this area, what does it matter if his opinion of you feels unfair or unkind?  God knows your heart, and he knows what's true.  He will vindicate you, and will protect your reputation.  But you're acting like that's not enough.  Your desire to control your brother, and his opinion of you, is stirring up anger in your heart, and that anger is causing you to sin - you are failing to treat your brother with kindness because of your anger.  Take a breath, remember what's true, and together we'll think of a way for you to show kindness to him, even though you feel angry right now."

I know that it's controversial these days to act like we ought to train anything beyond our kids' behaviors.  They should be allowed to feel all their feelings without shame or guilt!  I would say that our kids' feelings, while they are a very real part of them, can be enslaving - and how is it a kindness to them to not teach them that THEY are in charge of how they act, not their feelings?  How is it a kindness to let them grow to adulthood without learning that they don't have to live at the whims of their fickle emotions?  I know there are many days in my own life that would have gone much better if I had been in charge, rather than whatever feeling decided to show up that day.  My words would have been kinder, my disposition would have been more peaceful, and my focus would have been less self-centric.

Our kids will reap so many benefits if we put the hard work into teaching these things to them now!

For more on the topic of feelings, and an example of how this training has looked in our family, don't miss this post: Your Feelings are Real, but They Can Be Liars.

how to train your dragon. i mean, toddler. (i'm writing a book!)

Well, Rocco has, surprisingly, ended up being my easiest kid to potty train, and at the risk of jinxing myself, I would like to hereby declare him trained.  It took him less than twelve hours.  Go, Brother!  I'll tell you more about it all tomorrow.

While this timeframe is NOT typical, I will say that there is a formula that I've used with all my kids that seems to be a winner, as measured by the fact that I don't usually find myself cleaning up urine throughout a normal day, even though five of my kids are now in underwear, so that's good.  I figured I'd share with you what has worked for us!

But the thing is, I sat down to write it all out in a detailed blog post, and it was long.  I mean, like, looooong.  And I realized that not every single person who reads this blog would want 1500 words on how to convince another human being to use a toilet, and the ones who did want to read that much on the topic probably didn't want it all in one huuuuuuuuuge, way-too-long post.  So, at 11:05 last night, I decided to write it as an ebook.

This is kind of momentous for me, for a couple reasons.  One, and most obviously, I've never written an ebook, and it feels so official, even though it's basically just writing a long blog post and then formatting it to look nicer.  Two, I've only ever read one ebook in my whole life.  But that was actually just a digital copy of a real book that I read on my Kindle.  Is that the same thing?  I clearly am not '21st-century' enough to be trying this, and yet, here I am.  And three, I will now be able to say that I literally wrote the book on potty training.  If that doesn't make me an authority in my field, I don't know what will. #breakingtheglassceiling

Obviously, since it just kind of happened last-minute, it's not quite ready to post for today.  I'll be doing my darnedest to have it ready by tomorrow, so I'll hopefully have a link to the free download available on tomorrow's What's Up Weekly post for anyone who's interested!  At that point, it would be appropriate to congratulate me on being a published author or whatever, but I'm not telling you how to live your life.

it's a two-fer! just to prove mondays really are the best.

Today I have not just one, but two vlogs to share with you!  Look at me, learning how to work the internet with aplomb!

Marriage Monday, Episode 3: Insist on Being First

Sharing the Gospel With Our Kids Through Discipline and Correction

my kids fight with each other. i just thought you should know.

I was talking to my sister the other day, and saying how I wish I didn't feel so alone in struggling with my kids' bickering.  I get why it isn't talked about much in parenting circles: we really have little right to be airing our kids' sin struggles to the whole world.  It's my job to cover their multitude of sins, just like I would hope that someday they will be gracious and forgiving with my multitudes and multitudes of sins, when faced with the opportunity to air them in public.  That's what love does.

However, it is possible to discuss it honestly without going into the specifics that would throw my kids under the bus.  So if you're in the same boat, here's some company for your misery:  my kids bicker.  I often feel frustrated and unequipped to deal with it.  It sometimes feels like I'm failing, and it sometimes feels like it's pointless to even try to combat it.  I yell way too often, and I'm guilty of just wanting them to knock it off instead of putting the work into addressing the heart behind what's happening.

I have no answers.  Is that comforting?  I think sometimes that would comfort me to hear from other Christian moms - to know that managing frustrating relationships between kiddos seems it's just par for the course.  To be reminded that they really do struggle with sin, and it will feel like it.  To be cheered on knowing that it can't be 'controlled,' and the best we can hope for is to take the perspective that each opportunity for correction is yet another opportunity to share the Gospel.  Not because it will 'fix' them, but because it is powerful to make them new, which will then motivate them to love the things worth loving: peacemaking.  generosity.  kindness.  It will come - but only with lots and lots and lots of opportunities for correction and discussion, which seem to be most present in the midst of lots and lots and lots of offenses.

So take heart if that's where you're at.  It's where I'm at, too.  There is no fix.  There is just endless opportunity to enter the ring on their team, and to trust the Holy Spirit to do the work in them that we can't.  I needed this reminder, and need it fresh every day.  Maybe you do, too.