advice for going from one kid to two.

A friend of mine who was expecting her second recently asked my advice for keeping the transition smooth when going from one kiddo to two.  Since I actually know quite a few gals who are expecting their second babies right now, I thought I'd share my thoughts here as well!

Rest.

I know there's the temptation to roll your eyes when people say 'sleep when the baby sleeps.' "Do I clean when the baby cleans, and shower when the baby showers, and cook when the baby cooks," you ask.  No, maybe not.  But those are things that you can either do when the baby is awake and in a carrier (or a bouncy seat, as is my preference, or lying safely on the couch or in a pack and play nearby, as has been Juniper's preference), or are things that don't need to happen right away.  Naps are more important than cleaning, if you're allowing them to compete in your mind.  Take a nap and then serve chicken nuggets for dinner.  Take a nap and then shower when your husband gets home.  Take a nap and let the mantel get dusty; in the long run, it's not doing any harm.  But refusing to rest can do you harm. 

As a recovering clean-freak myself, and someone who doesn't really like napping anyway, I had to start seeing rest as a discipline.  It had to stop being optional in my mind.  

Two things are going to hang you up on this point: first, the older kiddo.  If your older kiddo is not in the habit of napping, maybe they should be.  And if they really, really refuse to nap, you can still instate quiet time.  My kids, up through the age of six, spend an hour or two in their beds at the same time each afternoon.  If they sleep, great!  If they don't, oh well.  At least they're contained.  It does take training - no child likes boundaries.  So this might be something to work towards while you're still pregnant if it's not routine in your house yet.  But if you know your older kiddo will be safe in their bed, and that you will have a window of time where you can doze next to the newborn for a bit, you are much more likely to rest.

Here's a bit more about our sleep routines.

Second tripping point: thinking a nap needs to be a naaaaaaaaaap.  Some days, you may only get a 15-minute overlap where the newborn isn't wanting to nurse and the toddler is still in bed.  I have a new mantra for you, both for napping and for life: "Some is better than none."  Some sleep is better than no sleep.

And once the baby is about six weeks old, you can start gently guiding their sleep routine so that you can be on the path to getting more nighttime sleep as well.  Here is a video I did on using Babywise with gentleness, flexibility, and compassion.

Rest, 2.0.

Resting goes way beyond just sleep.  (If you can't tell, I honk the "Rest" horn pretty loud.  If there is one thing I've learned in my course of parenting, it is that there are very few things that are as crucial to family life as adequate rest for everyone.  We have suffered too much at the hands of my refusal to rest early on that I cannot, in clean conscience, shut up about resting.)

Take the first six weeks.  That's about 40 days.  Don't go to MOPS.  Don't go to Target.  Don't go to church.  (In the Old Testament, women were commanded to stay home from the general assembly for 40 days after a boy was born, and 80 after a girl.  God's okay with you missing church after having a baby.  He is protecting you.)  If you absolutely must take your tiny baby out to the pediatrician's office, I guess you absolutely must, but that pediatrician will receive a lot of muttering from me about the insanity of forcing a vulnerable mother and baby out of their nest into a den of infestation and percolation.  STAY AT HOME.  Set boundaries.  

Yes, you'll go stir crazy.  Yes, it will be hard.  But seriously.  It's only six weeks.  If you don't rest, and you end up with a preventable season of PPD (I get that it's too simplistic to say that all PPD can be prevented with adequate sleep, but I really believe many cases can be), it will take you longer than that to crawl out of the hole, so just choose to do the hard work of resting on the front end.  You're capable.  I believe in you.  Stick close to your bed, stay off your feet, rely heavily on freezer meals and meal trains and food delivery.  You need this for your amazing body to heal, and to establish breastfeeding, and to actually get some sleep.

Set the laptop up in your bed so the older kiddo can watch Thomas next to you.  Have a stack of picture books and a basket of snacks nearby so you're not constantly up and down.  Get creative.  Message me if you'd like me to help you troubleshoot.

Practical Logistics.

Park by the cart corral.  I know when you were young and single and carefree, you were told never to park by the cart corral because what if someone hits your car with a cart?  Just reconcile yourself to the fact that your car will one day get written on with gravel and always smell a little like old diapers, and rearrange your priorities.  You're a mom of many now; park right there next to the cart corral.  That way you can load the toddler into the cart right away, and either put the pumpkin seat right in as well, or put the baby in a carrier.  (This is my favorite carrier for really little babies, then at around five months I switch them to this one.)  Then, you can also haul them back that way, and put them in the car right before just popping the cart away.  That way you're not schlepping two babies through the parking lot with no help and no hands.

Keep an umbrella stroller in your car at all times.  A cheap, basic, no-frills umbrella stroller.  This thing is a godsend.  I just plunk the toddler into it when we go to doctor visits, or other public places that don't have carts.  It's mobile restraint.  When you get into the doctor's office, just leave the kiddo in there until it's time to leave, unless it's an absolute must that they come out.  (And I don't mean, "take them out if they don't like it."  They probably won't like it at first.  Again, kids don't naturally like boundaries, and again, it's a trained skill.) The baby goes in a carrier (see a trend?), the toddler goes in the stroller, and you have two hands mostly-free.

Anticipate needs.  Mealtimes will be busy; do as much as you can in advance.  Fill milk cups and prep breakfast the evening before, so that you're not dealing with a hungry toddler/preschooler and a crying newborn.  Don't plan on potty training the older one within the first four months of the baby's birth.  Have a stack of both sizes of diapers, plus wipes, plus extra clothing for each kid, next to the couch, next to your bed, in the van, in your purse, and next to the changing table.  Try to anticipate times in which you'll be needed in two places at once, and try to do as much as you can in advance to help these times go smoothly.

It's okay to make both kids wait.  Often, despite your best efforts, both kids will need something at the same time.  It's okay to tell a toddler to wait a few minutes for seconds on lunch while you nurse the baby.  It's okay to let the baby cry for five minutes in her safe bed while you finish wiping the toddler's butt.  We all have to lay down our "urgency" sometimes, including kiddos.  Don't let these times get your heart racing.  Just remind yourself that it is okay and good for them to learn to wait.

TV is okay.  Maybe you didn't know this.  It's okay if you use it to keep an older child occupied while you do something you absolutely can't do with them underfoot. Be discerning.  Surfing your phone is not a TV-is-my-babysitter kind of situation.  But showering might be.  Sleeping definitely is.  SUPERVISE, THOUGH.  Don't let your young children on YouTube or give them access to the remote.  Let them watch a Daniel Tiger DVD on the laptop in your bed while you sleep, or on the bathroom floor while you shower - do not leave the room when a child is watching TV.  Intentionally pick a show you feel comfortable with, and allow the episode length to be your boundary for how much time you have to get said thing done, and then turn it off.  Here's a helpful hint from me to you: the less TV your child watches on a typical day, the more this works.  If it's just background noise most of the time, it won't occupy them when you need it to.  So turn off the TV until you are ready to employ it as your babysitter, and then let it do its job, and then send it home.

Blanket train the older child.  I'm not sure where this came from originally, but it seems people sometimes react strongly to this idea, so I think I'm using the phrase differently than in its original context.  I'm not sure why people would freak over it, so hear me out.  Get out a crib blanket.  Put 5-7 toys and books on it.  Put the toddler on it and set a timer for 3 minutes.  If they get off, just pick them up, say no, and put them back on it.  Do it however many times you need to.  Then, when the timer goes off, give them a raisin or a chocolate chip.  Eventually, stretch the time to 5 minutes, then 7, then 10, then 15.  Eventually, stop offering a reward every time.  ANNNNNNNNNND, Blanket-Trained.

This is a huge help when you're nursing, in public or at home.  I've heard it referred to as 'a playpen in your purse' - just use a swaddle blanket, a nursing cover, or a towel whenever you need to.  (Usually, if you have a younger baby, you have one or all of these items on hand most of the time anyway.)  It gives the kiddo a visual boundary line, and keeps them from wandering away when you're unable to go after them.  It also teaches them the super valuable lesson of sitting still for a hot sec and getting absorbed in a short stretch of independent play.  Teaching them this skill is a kindness, with all kinds of applications.

And, a final word...

You will feel overwhelmed sometimes.  That's okay and normal.  Unless adding twins, there is no other point in mothering where you literally double your workload all at once, and usually your older child is still young and pretty needy, so the buck stops with you for EVVVVVVVVERYONE'S needs.  You will have to learn how to multiply (rather than divide) your attention and affection for the first time.  Getting out of the house will take eons and you won't know why.  Parenting multiple kids is a learned skill; it takes time to feel comfortable.  Have patience with yourself, and be realistic.

But there's also the flip side: this isn't your first rodeo.  Many of the most important skills are second nature to you by now.  And you will love watching your older child become a sibling - watching them love someone new, someone that you also love, is so bonding and wonderful.  If you can believe it, the new baby will make you love your older kiddo more, not rob from them (or you!)

And for further reminders and help, here is a Facebook video I did on surviving the newborn days...




...and here is a link to a YouTube video I posted on the themes I covered in today's post.

And, as always - don't hesitate to get in touch with me if you have follow-up questions, comments or concerns!  I'm typically easiest to get ahold of through The Minivan Voorsts Facebook page, or my personal page.

postpartum weight loss: how I (finally) lost all the baby weight.

If you missed it (in which case I would encourage you to subscribe to The Minivan Voorsts YouTube channel!), here's yesterday's vlog on how I've reached my postpartum weight loss goal.  Spoiler: it's not a magic pill.  But it's also not torture.  It's somewhere on the spectrum between a magic pill and torture, closer to the 'magic pill' end.  So that's a positive, for sure.

Second spoiler: it's Trim Healthy Mama.  I bet you already guessed that, though, huh?  Because the BUZZ IS REAL, Y'ALL.  All those moms ain't lyin'.  It works.

Go here to hear how it works, and how it's worked for me.

vlog vlednesday: my best newborn advice!

a little more on postpartum recovery, and my goals moving forward.

A while back, I posted on a few things that have helped me recover incredibly well from this birth.  Honestly, I'm not sure if I've ever had a more restful, nourishing, smooth recovery period after a baby, and I really think it's because of how intentional I was in preparing for the postpartum phase, as well as how committed I was on the back end to protecting and sticking with those decisions.  This post goes into detail about how cocooning, napping and good nutrition have made a world of difference for me.

There are a couple of other things that I feel have helped, too: Ab Rehab exercises during pregnancy, supplements, and not pushing my body to be 'normal' too soon.

Diastasis recti exercises during pregnancy. 

I started these exercises up again toward the end of my second trimester, after I stopped feeling so sick, and did them until I was too huge to do them comfortably.  (About six or eight weeks total.)  I'm going to go into more detail on this later this week, but it significantly narrowed the ab separation that was very large during pregnancy, and my current gap is much smaller than it was after Rocco (Baby #5) was born.  I have much less work ahead of me to get it to close again completely.

Supplements. 

I go into more detail in this post about the supplements I take, but I was very diligent through pregnancy and postpartum to supplement my diet with thyroid and hormone helpers.  Right now, I take a raw prenatal, vitamin D, kelp, selenium, magnesium, calcium, collagen and zinc.  I also take fermented cod liver oil - in capsules, because it's disgusting and I don't want to have to taste it!  These helped me reach equilibrium again after my health crashed in the postpartum season after Laurelai, and I try to stay on top of taking them now to help my body continue to run smoothly.

Not getting physical, physical.

I had told myself that I would wait at least twelve weeks before even starting to try to get my body back to 'normal' functioning.  I think this is so important!  I try to think about it like any other intense physical recovery - surgeries, injuries, and illness all require a bit of waiting and resting before getting too physical.  I wanted to honor what my body has done, and protect myself from injury.  So I really have spent the last three months resting and recovering, and am so glad I have.  But now here I am, fifteen weeks postpartum and ready to start moving again.

I'm getting ready to begin again with my diastasis recti exercises, and I'm going to start some other light exercise as well.  I'm also gearing up to tighten up the reins on my diet.  So get ready, because throughout the rest of the week, I'm hoping to fill you in on my current ab separation, and my plans for moving forward with that (I'll even post current photos), as well as what exercise I'll be taking up so that I can get moving again without pushing myself too hard, too quickly.  And I'll hopefully give you a rundown of the nutritional plan I'll be focusing on to help me start looking and feeling like myself again.

healthy postpartum recovery.

One thing that has consistently been my downfall is an inflated sense of what's appropriate to undertake during the newborn days.  And I have suffered deeply for it in the past.  Postpartum depression, hormone imbalance, extreme weight loss, moderate weight gain, adrenal fatigue and thyroid dysfunction have been part of various postpartum experiences for me.  And while I believe that some of it just came with the inevitable difficulties of the newborn season - my hormones were reeling from pregnancy and delivery, and everything is just aggravated by lack of sleep - I really believe that much of it was a direct result of choices I could have made differently.

I've taken on too much in the postpartum season in the past - for example, I was on my feet for hours at the Tulip Festival with nine-day-old Penelope strapped to me in the Moby.  I painted my living room when she was two weeks old.  We took a road trip to my mom's for an overnight weekend when Penelope was barely a month.  I did too much.  And I eventually ended up dwindling down to 117 pounds, and drowning through months of indescribable anxiety, depression and insomnia.  I looked and felt like a ghost of a person for a long time.

A few years later, we were church planting when Laurelai was born, so we took on a ton of heavy ministry from Day One, and started leading and hosting a Connection Group in our house when she was three weeks old.  I ended up gaining 25 pounds, dealing with extremely heavy bleeding, mood swings and digestive problems, and suffering through over a year of mild depression and extreme self-hatred.

Both of those seasons were, hands down, the unhealthiest times of life since I've been married, both physically and mentally.  It has taken me a long time to reverse some of the health damage I incurred as a result, and I still deal with a lot of guilt and regret for my mental state during these times that should have been full of sweet memories.

This time around, I have been healing well both physically and emotionally, and again, I believe it has been pretty closely related to the choices I've intentionally made.  I know my propensity to attempt to accomplish too much, too early, and I've learned that it is absolutely crucial to prioritize self-care in these nebulous postpregnancy days.  I have forced myself to focus on rest and nourishment rather than getting back to a normal pace of life as soon as possible, and it has made a world of difference.

These have been my three main priorities over the last month:


Cocooning. 

I set a goal to get out of bed as little as possible the first four weeks.  While I ended up being fully successful at this for only about two weeks while I had help with the big kids, it was still a game-changer.  I read, slept, cuddled Callista and ate.  That was what I filled much of my time with for two whole weeks.  And the following two weeks, though busier, were still very scaled-back.  I didn't go to Target.  I didn't go to church.  I didn't schedule playdates.  I didn't clean my bathroom.  I ordered groceries online and had Todd pick them up.  I stayed put.  I am only now slowly coming out of this, and only begrudgingly so.  It has been a very sweet, healing season.

I know it sounds unrealistic, and I had to intentionally guarantee this time in whatever way I could.  But it has absolutely been worth it.


Napping.

I nap pretty much every day.  No excuses.  I never feel like napping at the time, because there are always more productive ways to spend my time, but it has made a huge difference in my mental clarity and attitude.


Nutrition.

I have continued to (casually) follow Trim Healthy Mama since delivery.  I've been eating virtually no sugar, plenty of protein, and healthy carbs and fats.  Once, I indulged in a couple brownies, and about fifteen minutes later, my whole body started aching and my postpartum bleeding got SO INTENSE.  Physical healing is slowed down when I'm not eating well, so I have really tried to nourish myself.  I've also noticed a major difference in my breastmilk - I'm making more of it, and it's much more yellow and higher in fat than it ever has been with previous kiddos.


Honestly, I would recommend these things to pretty much anyone coming up on a postpartum season, even if you don't have a history of poor healing.  Preventive care is always better than reactive scrambling to pick up any pieces that drop unexpectedly.  So here is my advice: plan in advance how you'll make these things happen.  Talk to your husband or your mom about how to get as much help as possible afterwards.  Does your husband have vacation time?  Can your mom take your big kids for a few days, or come to stay with you to help with the baby?  Could you hire a postpartum doula?  Maybe you can start training older kids now to have short stretches where they're independent - playtime in a crib for a toddler, movie time for older kids, etc. - that will help you get naps in once the new baby comes.  Plan what you'll eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinners after the baby's born - have a couple weeks' worth of healthy, nourishing food on hand.  Make freezer meals, stock up on Larabars, etc.  Ask a trusted friend to organize a meal train on your behalf to avoid cooking for the first week or two.  Do whatever it takes to prioritize rest and nourishment.


It is such a blessing to be able to actually enjoy this time of rest, cuddling and bonding.  All the effort it has taken to protect it has been 100% worth it, and I'm so grateful!

one week in: how we're doing overall.

We have now survived a full week at home with Callista, after being discharged from the hospital last Wednesday.

When Todd and I arrived home, we were greeted by handmade signs from the kids.  They were all so excited to have Callista home for good, and they've spent the week snuggling her (and/or poking her, as in the case of Rocco) and being generally enthused about the whole transition.

Todd and I are holding up pretty well, all things considered.  It's been so nice to have him home to help, and it's been good for him to have the week off of work to rest when he can during the day, since it definitely doesn't happen overnight. 

For all of Callista's glowing, amazing qualities, 'excellent sleeper' does not go on the list.  She does not sleep well unless she's on her tummy or being snuggled, and even then, two hours between feedings is about the absolute most we can expect at this point, and it's often closer to an hour.  Two nights ago, she ate four times between midnight and 5 a.m.  It's been pretty exhausting.  Thankfully, Todd has been great about making sure we're able to find time during the day for me to nap, so it hasn't gotten ahead of me (yet).

Once Todd goes back to work, my mom will take the big kids for a few days so that I can slowly transition to being on my own during the day with just the baby, which I'm so grateful for.  My goal is to continue to find time each day to nap while I can - once I have all six on my own, I'm not sure if I can make that happen as easily, so I'm going to make it a priority for at least the next week.

Recovery is going well.  I had set a goal to sit/lay down/rest as much as humanly possible for the first four weeks.  I'm not sure if I'll be able to make it that long, but this last week has been a success in that regard.  I have wonderful friends bringing meals most days, I've started having Amish products just delivered to the house, Todd has been on Big Kid Duty while I'm wrangling Callista and her monstrous appetite, and I seriously just change from one pair of jammies into the next pair of jammies.  So it's been a success in that regard.

(And I just have to take a moment to brag: on Thursday when I took her in for her next-day weight check after we were discharged, she hadn't gained any weight.  So the doctor asked us to come back on Monday to make sure she was gaining by then.  And thanks to her voracious eating habits, she gained nine ounces in those four days.  You grow, girl!)

All things considered, one week in and we're doing well.  I'm always anxious to get the first six weeks behind me because it seems to get easier from there, but things are at least headed in the right direction.  Now, if we can only figure out the magic code to turn her sleeping mode to "Very On," we should be all set.  Because isn't a sleeping baby the very best sight?

slowly recovering from having All The Babies.

After Laurelai was born, my body went into this weird tailspin.  There was so much going on, and between having lots of little kids and a newborn, and the exhaustion of moving and church planting, and the fact that I'd had four babies very close together without really taking very good care of myself, I kind of physically broke down.

I was outrageously fatigued, but I couldn't sleep; I was addicted to sugar and simple carbs; the more I exercised, the more weight I gained; my hair was falling out and my skin and lips were dried out; I was constipated; I was always freezing during the day and burning up at night; I had no control over my very crazy emotions; my period was suddenly irregular and truly monstrous; etc etc etc.  I felt like crap.  There were some days I could barely get out of bed, and all day long, all I heard running through my head was, "I'm dying.  I'm dying.  I'm dying."  (That, or, because of my crazy weight fluctuations and emotional instability, I'd hear, "You're disgusting.  You're the worst.  Everyone thinks so.")  It was... a rough time.  I hate looking back on that season.

I took a full-page list of symptoms to the doctor's office, where I was basically told I was just experiencing normal postpartum hiccups and that I would be fine.  One doctor simply diagnosed me with anxiety and wrote me a prescription for Xanax.  So I had to kind of research things on my own to try to pinpoint what was going on, and do what I could by myself to help myself recover.  From all the reading I eventually accomplished, I'm quite confident it was a mixture of thyroid and adrenal dysfunction, and hormone imbalance.  They all kind of go hand-in-hand, and when one jumps off a cliff, its other two buddies jump with it.  Peer pressure at its finest.

So, anyway.  I've been intentionally taking care of myself better over the last two years.  I've been trying to  correct some of the issues I was having, and to proactively build up my body to be able to handle the stress of future church plants (including, and perhaps limited to, this one) and future pregnancies.  Considering that postnatal/maternal depletion is a majorly real (and frequently unaddressed) issue for many women, I thought I'd share what I've been using to help me heal in case it can help anyone else.

Diet:I started my healing journey off by doing a Whole30.  That month marked the first time I'd started feeling like there was a light at the end of the tunnel.  Since then, I've been very, very strict about avoiding gluten; I haven't ingested gluten in nearly two years.  This is super important if you're dealing with thyroid issues.  I also make sure to drink at least a half a gallon of water a day.

Supplements:I've never really been a supplement kind of girl; I'd believed that a healthy, well-rounded diet can provide whatever you need.  I still believe that, but I've also come to realize that our food and water sources have been so janked up for so long, that much of what our food should contain isn't really there in adequate quantities, or our food and water contain 'extras' that deplete our bodies of needed nutrients.  So I've started slowly, gradually, taking a few supplements, and these have made a world of difference.  Here is what I've been taking:

- Magnesium citrate (shown above as Natural Tranquility): magnesium deficiency can show up as constipation, morning sickness in preggos, restless legs, mood swings and increased cortisol, fatigue, body pain, and recurring headaches.  68% of Americans are magnesium deficient.

- Selenium: necessary for those with hypothyroid symptoms, including autoimmune issues

-Copper and zinc: work synergistically to help with hormone balance

-Prenatal multi: because, well, I'm always prenatal or breastfeeding

-Calcium: helps with magnesium absorption

-Vitamin D (Vitamin D from sun exposure is more bioavailable than a supplement, so I only supplement when necessary and get some sunlight whenever I can.)

-Kelp (Iodine): supports thyroid health in those that don't have Hashimoto's

Exercise:I started healing my diastasis recti using Ab Rehab before I did any other exercise.  (More to come on this topic next week.) I made sure I was seeing improvement in core strength before adding in some running.  I also made sure my adrenals seemed to be healing from the other things I was doing, since running and other cardio activity can cause weight gain in people with adrenal fatigue or failure.  So I started slow with the running using the Couch to 5k app and carefully watched how I felt during or after a run, and whether or not it was making me gain weight.  I currently run for about half an hour, four days a week.  I'd like to start adding in a couple days of yoga as well.

Body care:

I've been focusing on decreasing my skin exposure to synthetic chemicals, which can contain phthalates and parabens and other hormone disruptors.  These can wreak havoc on your hormones and adrenals.  I've started using the oil cleansing method on my face instead of soap, and using rose hip seed oil as a nighttime facial moisturizer.  Additionally, before each shower I've been dry brushing to help flush my lymph system (and ugh, it feels amazing, so it also seems self-indulgent).  And after each shower, I apply magnesium oil (magnesium is best absorbed transdermally), a really healing all-natural body lotion, and diluted nutmeg oil over my kidneys for adrenal support.

I can honestly tell you I feel amazing.  I finally wake up feeling at home in my skin.  I have seen really positive results over the last two years of making gradual changes, and all of the symptoms I mentioned above have improved or have been totally eliminated.  I feel like I'm getting to a point of health again, and I'm not dreading the drain of the next pregnancy, whenever that comes.  Slowly, but surely, I'm recognizing who I am - mentally and physically - and I'm so glad.  I still have a ways to go in my healing journey, and some things I'd still like to add to my regular routine, like taking a fermented cod liver oil and butter oil supplement, and doing regular oil pulling, since I've developed my first-ever cavities since Rocco was born, and my teeth are very loose in my gums.  But I'm happy with the progress I've made, and I'm looking forward to continued healing.

I'd love to answer any questions you might have, or chat with you sometime if you're identifying with any of the stuff I was experiencing!