i could write about eyebrowz for dayz. i'll prove it.

i've mentioned before that i get weird about eyebrows.  first of all, i used to have a lot of brow to deal with.  second, i've seen a lot of terrible eyebrows in my day (including my own, which we'll get to in a bit).  and now, a third complicating factor is that big ol' thicky brows are currently a thing, which is to be commended but has proven difficult to execute.

but let's back up, shall we, and start with some extremely flattering photos of my eyebrows when they were in eighth grade and going au naturale:

ah, yes.  what this photo doesn't fully communicate is that i, paige van voorst nee chorpening, did not actually make the color guard - my voluptuous eyebrows made the cut themselves, and twirled that flag like there was no tomorrow (although, due to their lack of opposable thumbs, they were also known to drop the flag quite a bit and didn't make the high school color guard the following year.  but that is no reflection on their true heftiness).  let's see how well they could play the clarinet at that size:

pretty well.  eyebrows of that force have considerable lung capacity.  i lent them my thumbs this time around.  they were grateful.

and then i discovered tweezers and offered them a bit of guidance.  not too much, to avoid smothering their free spirit, but enough to make them reliable enough to hold a job. 

see?  they're perfectly capable of structured fun.

but then i did a dastardly thing, a thing i swore i'd never do:  i overplucked.  i don't know why i did it.  maybe for attention, maybe for love, but probably because i wasn't really paying attention to how things were actually looking up there.  you know that thing where you look at yourself in the mirror and think you look one way, but then you see a photo of yourself and you look a whole different way and you're all, IS THAT HOW I LOOK?!  i had a moment like that when i saw this picture of my eyebrows, taken on easter a few years ago:

gah.  just, no.  they look like two pipe cleaners that got shaved and then glued to my face.  so, so sad.

but the worst part is that, now that i'm pushing thirty and have had a few kids and all the hair from my head and eyebrows seems to have immigrated to my chin and upper lip, correcting the error has been a long and arduous process.  i'd even given up for a while, assuming that i'd just have to be thin-browed for the rest of my days.  but then i discovered cher lloyd's eyebrow transformation and had renewed vigor:


to this:

right?!  right.  if she can do it, i can do it.  if her eyebrows forgave her enough to bounce back, surely mine will.  right?! right. 

unfortunately right now, i'm still in the middle of a pretty dedicated plucking embargo.  which is the three-month-long storm before the hoped-for calm.  i always look half-surprised and full-unkempt; it's pretty hilarious-slash-mortifying.  my eyebrows don't match each other, much less do they resemble camilla belle's.  sad sigh.  but we're getting there?  question mark?  and in the meantime, i'm bestie-ing it up with my brow pencil.  any tips you may have for me would be greatly appreciated.

and that, my friends, is how you talk about eyebrows for nearly 600 words.  


Danielle Tiarks said...

Lauren's (MY little sister) brow game is strong. (I'm told that's an actual phrase, feel free to use) Like the Hendersons before me, our brows are pretty weak naturally, and she draws hers in every day with quite a bit of success. Also, I can guarantee you that your celebrity brow role model draws hers in - no one's brows look like that naturally. Right? Right!

Anyway, shoot Lauren a message on FB and ask for tips. Makeup is kind of her thing, in a big way. :)

todd said...

i don't always surf the internet, but when i do, eyebrows.