george bush hates black people.

there are a lot of things i say on this blog that i like to pass off as 'fact' rather than 'opinion.' partly because it's my blog, and what good is having your own blog if you can't use it to act like kanye? and partly because i really like my opinions and think they should be facts.

opinions that should be facts: don't dress like a sleaze bag, don't decorate for halloween, don't go to doctors who advertise at the local health food store, and also don't dress like a sleaze bag. i think they should be passed as facts (similarly to how you pass a law) because there is some legitimate biblical back-up to what i'm saying. (less so for the halloween decor, more so for the douchey clothes.)

but i admit that i don't think all opinions should be voted into fact. here is one personal opinion that is purely that: a personal opinion (although, i wouldn't mind if you also held said opinion and we started a club or a political party or something): a lot of people think if a guy has good hair, that is excuse enough to have long hair. and i'm here to say that, in my humble opinion, those people are wrong.

i agree that it's not fair when you see a guy with super nice, shiny, thick, wavy, good-smelling hair. because the female population could really use a little hair socialism: spread the wealth, you know? and i'm not exactly sure why god didn't set it up so that if you're not using your blessed locks you could pass them on to your neighbor. (i'll jot that down in the moleskin full of questions for god that i'll be taking with me to heaven.)

but good hair or not, guys should not typically grow their hair out to neck-tickling lengths (or beyond) because it just looks wonky. if it needs to be swept out of your eyes, it is too long. if it can be pulled into a ponytail longer than a two-year-old girl's (or my grandma's), it is too long. if you have to have your roommate clean your hairs off your sweater at the end of the day, it is too long. if you feel the need to brush it in the middle of child development lecture with the comb you keep on you at all times for opportunities such as this (not that i sat behind this guy or anything), it is too long.

i am saying this for your own good, fellas. legolas had long hair, and it made him look like an elf. (also the ears did, and also the fact that he actually was an elf.) samson had long hair and look where it got him: betrayed by his wenchy girlfriend, and blind and shackled and crushed to death. now, i'm not saying that was purely a result of the hair...except that i'm saying it was basically purely the result of the hair.

and don't get all, 'jesus had long hair and i'm only wwjd'ing.' (we all know you were going there, Long Hair.) prove to me he actually did have long hair and then we'll talk. and when we do talk, i will tell you he also wore a loinclothy-thing and a robe so you should do that too, and also i'll tell you that it's kind of sacreligious to be walking around all dressed up as jesus so it's best to just cut your hair.

here's why you should cut your hair short-ish:

1. you're making the rest of us jealous.

2. boys don't have a reputation for great hygiene, so it will always look greasy just because people expect it to.  harsh but true.

3. long hair will only trip you up in a sword fight.

4. your wife/girlfriend/future wife/future girlfriend will take over all the bathroom cabinet space, and you will be robbed of product storage, and no one likes a pouty boy.

5. i hate to pull this card, but you kind of look like a hanson brother. and not the middle one. there, i said it.

6. it takes less money and less time, and regardless of what society and the bravo network are trying to tell you, men can benefit from being low-maintenance. (when you're married and dirt poor and only one of the two of you can afford regular maintenance, you do not want to be the guy who had to arm wrestle his wife for salon rights.)

7. girls earn the right to long head-hair by shaving and plucking and waxing the hair that grows everywhere else. you have not earned that right. and if you have, that's a little metrosexual and weird.

HOWEVER, i will say that there are a few men who can pull off the long haired look without looking girly or homeless. if you are adam duritz, for example. or shawn from boy meets world.  plus, there are some artsy guys at church where you're all, you must have the spiritual gift of pulling off difficult hairstyles. (and also, i'm still wondering why god didn't make that a 'ladies only' kind of spiritual gift the way he made LARPing a 'guys only' kind of gift. or at least, he should have done that, too. he should really start asking my opinion on things before making decisions.)

oh, and one last thing: if you're a guy who found himself locked in a tower once with only his hair as an opportunity for escape, i can see why you'd want to keep it long. just in case. 

anyway, what the crap do i know about hair? if my own record has shown us anything it's that i can't be trusted as a sage of hair advice. like i said, this is all my personal opinion. what's your personal opinion on the topic?


todd said...

are you sure that Jesus was not a white man with long blonde glamour shots hair and crystal blue eyes? are you sure?

whenjeskasparks said...

i'm with todd. i believe in da svedish jesus!

just kidding.
and i love you.