so, i get that it's thursday and halloween has already come and gone, but i've been busy lately and i'm choosing to air my grievances a few days late.  everyone okay with that?  (if you're way into halloween decorating or dressing up in trampy costumes, i suggest you stop reading before you get pissed at me.  also, i suggest continuing to read for some helpful rules of thumb.)

WHAT. THE. CRAP. IS. THE. DEAL. WITH. HALLOWEEN?! can someone please answer me that?!

since when do we think that it is tasteful or chic to decorate our homes and yards with skulls?  have we forgotten that SKULLS ARE PEOPLE-HEAD BONES?!  it is never classy to decorate with decapitated cadavers.  period.  even if martha stewart tells you it's okay because we all know she smokes drugs and can't be trusted when it comes to holiday decorating.

and then there are the hypocritical arachniphobics going all out with the fake spider web stuff.  and the other day i saw someone's yard done up as a full-on graveyard with tombstones and arms reaching out of the ground and stuff.  please clue me in on this as i purely do not understand the whole 'sweet, it's halloween, let's get gross and/or scary' thing.

and don't even get me started on the 'sweet, it's halloween, let's get slutty' thing.  LADIES, IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK TO NOT SEE YOUR NIPPLES?!  (or six inches of cleavage, or the bottom half of your butt, or all of the above?)  why, oh why, can't we have costumes like 'super intelligent pirate' who has a monacle for his one good eye and carries around a dictionary on his hook-hand?  why is it always 'slutty pirate wench' or 'trampy deck hand' or 'porno parrot sidekick with feathered heels and eyepatch that doubles as a condom'?  heck, i'd even like it better if someone dressed up as a somalian pirate and took me hostage for kit kat bar ransom.  too soon? maybe, but that would at least make sense, pirately speaking.

what i'm saying here is that there is very little inherent sexiness to pirates (and whatever else people turn into 'slutty whatever else' for halloween).  and also, i could care less about your belly button ring.  and also, i think blackbeard would shudder to think that all his murdering and pillaging fame was now being used to sell lingerie costumes.  really kind of soils the name of blackbeard, if you ask me, and i for one would like to pass on the kind of karma that can only accompany wearing an 'i'm trampy and also i'll murder your whole family' blackbeard costume.

anway, to sum up my general halloween rules-of-thumb:

..unless your house is actually built on an ancient indian burial ground and you can't help it, keep the creepy crap in the backyard.

..unless your body is made of a magnetic field that forcefully rejects clothing and you can't help it, cover your orafices.

that should do it.  happy haunting.


A Cush said...

I couldn't agree with this post any more!

todd said...

Come on Paige. Sin is in. Get with it or get got by it!

whenjeskasparks said...

i totally reblogged this post. you're so smahrt. ;)

also, i am going as the intelligent pirate next year. brilliant!

and i officially reached my peak of disgust when i saw the costume labeled something to the extent of "child bleeding ghost face costume." it is exactly how it sounds.

since when is that acceptable?

SSLorntson said...

You crack me up! And...I was laying in bed last night thinking of a blog I was going to write about Halloween with much of the same material! Good work! I love the Martha Stewart bit!!!