the devil went down to georgia, but the van voorsts only got as far as south carolina.

well, guys, we just got back from a trip to the south.  south cahlahnah, that is.  (south carolina, for all you yankees.)  we went to visit family and hang out on the lake and learn about the ways of southerners.  if there's one thing you should know about me, it's that i'm basically obsessed with the south for various reasons, so it was a fun trip.  i did much observation and study, and here are a few things i learned about southern ways:

1.  they really like biscuits down there.  pretty much every other billboard is dedicated to helping you locate the best biscuit-serving establishment in the immediate vicinity.  because, like i said, they really like biscuits.

2.  they go big or go home.  we saw a pickup with a spoiler on the back.  because what's the only thing that could possibly compete with the uncontested awesomeness of a pickup?  a car with a spoiler.  clearly.  so the inevitable conclusion was drawn, and i have to say, it was pretty cool.

3.  people in this nation still use tobacco products.  i was under the impression that only japanese college students smoked anymore.  at least, that was the case at my college, where only forty or so out of 1800 students smoked, thirty-nine of whom were international students.  (the lone remaining smoker was named kenneth and was clearly in it for the attention.)  anyway, not the case in the south.  people walk around with skoal in their pockets and cigs hanging out the window.  one guy even had a lip fulla dip while on the job.  keepin' it classy, carolina.

4.  diners are classified as 'meat and two's or 'meat and three's.  which weirded me out until it was explained to me that it's simply descriptive of what you'll get with your meal: obviously some kind of meat and either two or three side dishes, depending on the 'meat and ____' status of the establishment.  so then 'pete's meat and two' sounded a little less gross.  a little.

5.  they have EXCELLENT town names.  i'm talking 'burntshirt' and 'bat cave' and 'stinking creek.'  if i had a town in my possession that required a new name, i would definitely hire a southerner to name it.

6.  moonshine is a real thing, and it is advertised on every non-biscuit-related billboard in tennessee.

7.  it is SO. HUMID.  it's like walking around in a mouth.  your armpits don't just sweat, they pant.

8.  they are so nice down there.  i've never been called 'ma'am' so much in my entire life.  i left feeling pretty important.  and also a little old.

9.  they use road signs to tell you EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERYTHING.  there was a road sign along pretty much every two-lane highway telling you that, 'yellow line on your side means NO PASSING.'  the sign seems redundant after seeing the actual yellow line, of which everyone should know the meaning if they've passed a driver's license test.  also?  a huge yellow road sign that just said, 'CHURCH.'  not 'church ahead,' or 'church crossing' (is that even a thing?), just 'CHURCH.'   my favorite sign though?  'FALLEN ROCK.'  not 'BEWARE OF FALLING ROCK,' but 'FALLEN ROCK.'  like, rocks pose no threat at the moment, but one once fell and here it lies.  southerners are so nice, they promote a minute of silence at the site of a once-fallen rock.  or so i take those signs to mean.

10.  SPICY CHICKEN SANDWICHES.  HUSHPUPPIES.  BOILED PEANUTS.  SHRIMP AND GRITS.  FRIED GREEN TOMATOES ON A BLT.  COCA COLA ERRWHERRR.  oh, y'all.  i could move to the south this very cotton-pickin' second and never regret it for a moment.

but i live in the midwest, where it snows and there are no boiled peanuts or tent revivals and no one talks with molasses-words.  which could be depressing if i thought about it too long or deeply, but we mustn't dwell.  not today.  not on rex manning day!  er, i mean, first-day-of-homeschool-and-potty-training day!  (it's the same.)  say a prayer for me today.

1 comment :

todd said...

sweet tea on every corner