one fish, two fish... that's it.

when we left for vacation, we had four fish.

when we got back from vacation, we had two swimmers and a floater.  one fish was missing altogether.

orange and white fish: Princess Ally.  property of: penelope.  status: missing.
white fish: Lucy.  property of: laurelai.  status: in the great fishtank in the sky.
orange and black fish: Gunnar.  property of: atticus.  status: died a long time ago and was replaced by another orange and black fish named Sword.
orange fish: arthur.  property of: finneas.  status: large and in charge.

i made todd skim the unfortunate dead one off the top (and it was so dead, by the way, that it was breaking apart and floating away in pieces.  no 'mostly dead' about it) and then i got to work cleaning the tank and dragging it for the missing body.  but here's the weird thing: there was no trace of it.

i suspect the mob was involved.  but how does the mob go about making a fish sleep with the fishes?  i mean, isn't that probably more comforting than scary to a fish?  like if you told a fish, 'i'm going to throw you off this boat into the river and no person will find you ever again,' wouldn't the fish be like, 'YES PLEASE'?

anyway, i also suspect it was a political kidnapping, since it was Princess Ally that disappeared.  and i also think the kidnapping of Princess Ally and the murder of Lucy were driven by sexism.  someone wanted those female fish out of that tank, dead or alive.

so, to sum up, i think a sexist politician hired the mob to off Lucy and and make Princess Ally disappear.  i think this is the only logical conclusion one can draw in a situation like this.

either that or it got so hot in the air of the unconditioned house while we were away that the two fish of the more delicate sex were essentially boiled to smithereens.  now, that's a happy thought.

so who is left?  finneas' fish, Arthur, who has suspiciously appeared to have grown much larger since we left, and atticus' fish, Sword, who (in comparison to Arthur) appears to have shrunk.

so now we just have these two lonely bachelor fish, one humongous and one runty, pal-ing around the tank.  i guess they're not pal-ing, really, as Sword has always been skittish and now probably has reason to think that Big Arthur is not beyond cannibalism.  but either way, i really think i have the makings of a pretty good children's book here.  minus the cannibalism.  plus my wonky microsoft paint illustrations.

this is just a teaser.  this will be the part of the book where Big Arthur dons a hat and decides to eat Sword, but Sword saw it coming all along.  my book will be called "Dangers of the Deep: That One Time My Fish Brother Tried to Eat Me But I Made It Out Okay Because of My Foresight and Preparedness, and Also My General Tendency Toward Suspicion, Founded or Otherwise," by Sword the Fish, as told to Paige Van Voorst.

anyway.  we're offering a reward for information leading to the arrest and conviction of Princess Ally's fishnapper.  we can't tell you what the reward is, since that would ruin the surprise, but let's just say it may or may not be a gift card that will allow you to eat good in the neighborhood.  maybe get yourself some half-price happy hour appetizers.  with incentive like that, i have a feeling we'll have this case wrapped up before nightfall.

And That's...Life in the Fish Tank.

(ps: that's my new catchphrase.  do you like it?  if it helps you to imagine me putting on sunglasses when i say it and then riding off a jet ski, you can do that.)


todd said...

I want to go to there

ohcitycity said...

Best blog post ever.