the real slim shady.

so, god showed me over the weekend that i've become an 'internal processor' to a fault.  i think i've always absorbed and processed things internally, although i'm not really sure about that, but i know for sure that as i've gotten older i've also become more inwardly oriented.

not really sure what i mean? me neither, i guess, other than that i notice that most things i feel on a deep level, things that strike my feelings more than my thoughts, things that are deeply personal...these things take a really long time to sort through in my mind, and i never really feel like i ever fully resolve anything.  and i have a VERY VERY difficult time discussing stuff like this with other people.  including todd.  i feel weird and awkward, and even if i try, it never fully feels like i am able to accurately verbalize what i mean.  ugh, i hate talking about my feelings.

it's a lot easier for me to think about objectives and even opinions - thoughts tend to come quick and easy for me.  feelings on the other hand - blech.  not that i'm basically a black hole of emotion - i do feel stuff, i just have a hard time processing and talking about feelings.

what's the point of all this? i don't know, other than it's awkward for me to write about, which i think might be the point.  i realize that i need to be more intentional about conveying personal stuff - it's hard work, something i have to practice to be any good at.  and i need to get better at it, because i want to be known on a deeper level than i generally am.  and as a girl in my connection group recently told me, people can't love what they don't know.

so, want to know the real me?  i'm really insecure.  i feel unnecessary, i feel lonely, i never feel like anyone's first choice.  not that i feel disliked, but really only tolerated.  you know, like that acquaintance that always joins the conversation in the middle of it.  i feel boring or out of touch or offensive or quirky.  i replay conversations in my head millions of times thinking, i shouldn't have said that.  i hope she didn't take it that way.  i wonder if she thinks i meant something else.  that joke wasn't funny.  i bet he thinks i'm racist or something.  i feel small and ugly.  i feel C-list.

i truly wonder how anyone makes deep, close friendships as an adult.  i just really don't know how that works.  when do you have the time? what do you do together, other than eat dinner then leave by 7 pm so the kids can get to bed?

and i'm honestly not looking for any affirmation or reassurance - that would probably just make me feel weirder, so please don't feel like that's what i'm asking for.  (please don't leave anything uplifting in the comments.)  really, i think i'm just trying to say that, in real life, i am much more this girl than 'blog girl' (as i call myself regularly) - i'm honestly not funny in real life, or even entirely coherent.  actually, i'm frequently kind of socially awkward.  so i like the feeling of blogging sometimes because i'm able to look more pulled together than i really am, and all 20 of you that read this (holla) might be fooled.

that's the end of that.  not really sure how to transition gracefully, so i'll make a joke.  humor is an effective re-director... this is just the beginning of using our blog as my personal psychologist.  next therapy session: what the heck am i doing with my life?  bring some kleenex and some of your own daddy issues; this is going to be good.

(just kidding.  this blog will still mainly consist of snarky comments directed at other people's sense of fashion, jokes at my children's expense, and new and inventive ways of making nontoxic cleaners out of sawdust.  you're still free to bring tissues, though; you never know if my next verbal bomb will be directed at you.)  (it probably won't be, though.)


apotratz said...

I know you aren't looking for any comments, but I just wanted to say that you and I should hang out. Seriously. You and I are a lot alike!

YAYA said...

You know, as I read your post, I truly thought I was reading a detailed profile of myself... Paigie, you've got me down to a "t."

I can't help but think of a scene from "Empire Strikes Back" where Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader become simultaenously aware of the fundamental characteristics shared between parent and child. Babe, we are more alike than you would likely care to admit, I am sure. (Sorry about that!!!)

Rest assured, however, a lot of this is attributable to the way we perceive ourselves rather than in the ways we are perceived by others. It's hard to fathom sometimes how this might not be true, but it is. You are an amazing woman and one that any number of people (including me) would love to connect with on a deeper level. Don't sell yourself short.

I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH, and for others blessed with the opportunity to know you... they do, too!

So, here's to Quirkiness!