pregnancy: when you repeatedly read dumb advice from stupid people and don't even notice.

i have the dumbest pregnancy book in the world.

i first got it when i was pregnant with atticus, and the thing i liked about it was that it was broken down week-by-week, rather than monthly like many other books.  what i didn't realize at the time was that, in order to have something to say each week, the authors filled the book with all kinds of weird and/or unnecessary crap.

though we've read through it with each kid, i never really noticed until this pregnancy just how stupid some of it is.  i mean, i noticed some of the especially generic stuff right away. ('dad tip' for week 14? 'if you are out of town, call your partner every day.'  excellent.  so glad the pregnancy book covered that, or there would be lots of roaming babydaddies out there with no clue as to how often to call their long-distance partners, and then they'd call all willy-nilly and every-other-day-like, and all hell would break loose, and resultingly, babies would cease to be born.)  but i'm shocked at how much 'new' dumb stuff is coming to light this time through.

here are a few recent nuggets:

*an entire highlighted section addressing the question, "Are You Concerned About Anthrax?"

*sexual practices to be avoided during pregnancy: inserting anything into the hoo-ha that can cause injury or infection, and blowing air directly up there.  first, both practices seem wise to avoid,  regardless of fertility status.  second, who would need to be cautioned to not do these things?  if you know something could cause infection or injury, i would hope you would know to abstain from doing weird things with it. 

also, i'm not sure who would ever have the idea to blow air directly up the birth canal as some sort of sex maneuver, and also lack the common sense that tells them that some ideas are just better left untried, but apparently he's out there.  and i suppose it's good that's someone's out to thwart him, and in print, no less.  it's always better to have these things in black and white.

*'some women are concerned about eating out.  they want to know if they can eat certain types of food, such as mexican, vietnamese, thai or greek food.'  (todd's response?  'what do mexican, vietnamese, thai and greek pregnant women eat?')  i can only imagine the questions that would cause you to be concerned to eat mexican food: what if my baby's racist and has a problem with me eating these refried beans?  what if eating too many fajitas will cause my baby to come out in full-on mariachi attire with one of those tiny guitars and a carpet-like mustache?  does this mexican restaurant use regular tap water with which to cook the rice, or do they intentionally import water from back alley mexican gutters to give it an authentic kick?  maybe, since i can't know the answers to these questions, i should abstain from eating all mexican food.

*"if smells are important to you, be sure to include them in your life."  not even kidding, that's a supposed to pass as a pregnancy tip.  my question is, is it even possible to not include smells in your life?  i mean like if smells aren't important to you, can you just be all, 'consider smells unincluded in my life.  i'm too good for smells.'?  and also, if smells are important to you, are you likely just sitting around like, 'i'm pregnant and also, smells are important to me, but i don't know how to rectify this situation' and then you just happen to stumble upon the part of the book that tells you to include smells in your life and you're all, 'EUREKA!'?

*'dad tip' for week 22: when you ride together in the car with your partner, ask her if you can assist her in any way.'  only in the car.  where adult needs are suddenly innumerable, highly intense, and urgent.

*"women who smoke or drink heavily need to take prenatal supplements."  um, last time i checked, the health concerns regarding pregnant women who smoke or drink heavily cannot be remedied by a prenatal supplement.  they can be remedied by not smoking and drinking heavily while pregnant.

all that to say, i'm thinking that i should write a pregnancy book.  i clearly am better equipped for it than the people who are currently getting paid the big bucks to do it.  my pregnancy book would be filled with advice, tips and nuggets such as, 'watch some tv.  wear loose-fitting clothing.  ignore household duties.  here's a pinterest brownie recipe you should make right now - you're welcome.  also, i swear you won't get anthrax.'  people could benefit from my sage wisdom, i think.


todd said...

i'm concerned about anthrax.
what ever happened to it?
it seems like it was a big deal for a week or two there.
poor anthrax all lonely and forgotten.

Janie said...

Paige - this is tooo funny! & suppose smells are not important to you & maybe cause nausea - such as sights & sounds from body orifices, is it possible to avoid these? (we really need to know...) Anthrax - hmmm, forget about Hep B, typhoid, tetanus. Gosh, these concerns are concerning me now - & I'm a nurse! We'll have to write the book together, you'll be the control, & I'll help make up stupid stuff. Love u!