in which i process something personal.

so, i feel like i should explain myself.  not because i feel like you're expecting it, but because i think i need to for my own sake.  i just process things better when i write them.

i know i've been AWOL the last week or two.  and i know i gave the heads-up, and i know all y'all aren't sitting at your computer screens holding your collective breath or anything.  i just feel like i need to say that i haven't felt like writing.  the honest truth is, i've been sad.  and i don't really know how to best explain everything on here, and i've been dealing with the pride issue of always wanting to be clever, and entertaining, and not wanting to look weak or boring.  but right now, i just feel weak and boring.

very long story short, my dad has struggled with substance abuse over the course of my whole life.  over the course of the majority of his life.  it's just how i've always known him, and our relationship isn't what i wish it was.  i spend a lot of my time wishing he was different, and wishing we were different, and being angry and hurt when the reality of my life doesn't live up to what i wish was true.  and, for someone who is generally a realist about most things, i get frustrated with myself that i somehow cannot handle the reality of who he is, and how my relationship with him will likely always be.

things have gotten especially bad for him lately, and i've just felt... well, i've felt lots of stuff.  i've felt like i'm just 'over it,' and have wanted to have nothing to do with him.  and then i've felt guilty for that.  i've felt angry and bitter.  and then i've felt guilty for that, too.  and now, i just feel really sad.  and though i tend to process things when i write them out, i just feel like that writing part of me is just... dampened.  fuzzy around the edges.  a bit lifeless.  i don't want to write about it because i don't want to acknowledge it.

and here i am, a week and a half from my due date, and my dad is in a facility that doesn't allow him to make contact with anyone for a while.  so, if our baby is born sooner than his restrictions lift, i will not be able to call him and tell him.  and even if i could, he is not functioning at a mental capacity that guarantees he would remember the next day.  this is where he is at in life.  and it breaks my heart, and it also breaks my heart that i feel a little relieved that i have an excuse to not share good news with him right away.  and i feel guilty for that, too.

and that is why i haven't written much.  because i can't write about anything - even the unrelated - without feeling this cloud, this barrier, around me.  i just want to hole up inside myself for a little longer.  you know, just until he's completely cured and we work out our history and our future, and we frolic around in a meadow for a while.  you know, just until then.

but i want to 'show up' here.  i want to be documenting the kids' days and the stupid stuff that makes up our great life.  i want to be able to say that stuff that is outside of my control doesn't direct or determine whether i'm able to do the things that i enjoy, and the things that are important to me.  so i'm going to try, for my own sake, to be around here more often than i have been.

and that is why i haven't been around much, but why i will be.  hopefully.  i know you understand, and i appreciate that.


todd said...

im glad you're writing again

The Jones Family said...

Though our situations are not the same, I can relate to most of your feelings regarding your father. It's unspeakably tough. I pray that the Spirit envelops you during this time and reminds you of the timeless truth that you are not alone.

Amanda Cushman said...

Substance abuse and addiction is right up there with cancer...just plain sucky and hard to understand! Although I do look forward to your posts, please take your time. I will pray for you and your dad. Hugs!

the jersk. said...

love you.

YAYA said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
YAYA said...

Love and prayers for you and for Dad.