A friend of mine who was expecting her second recently asked my advice for keeping the transition smooth when going from one kiddo to two. Since I actually know quite a few gals who are expecting their second babies right now, I thought I'd share my thoughts here as well!
Rest.
I know there's the temptation to roll your eyes when people say 'sleep when the baby sleeps.' "Do I clean when the baby cleans, and shower when the baby showers, and cook when the baby cooks," you ask. No, maybe not. But those are things that you can either do when the baby is awake and in a carrier (or a bouncy seat, as is my preference, or lying safely on the couch or in a pack and play nearby, as has been Juniper's preference), or are things that don't need to happen right away. Naps are more important than cleaning, if you're allowing them to compete in your mind. Take a nap and then serve chicken nuggets for dinner. Take a nap and then shower when your husband gets home. Take a nap and let the mantel get dusty; in the long run, it's not doing any harm. But refusing to rest can do you harm.
As a recovering clean-freak myself, and someone who doesn't really like napping anyway, I had to start seeing rest as a discipline. It had to stop being optional in my mind.
Two things are going to hang you up on this point: first, the older kiddo. If your older kiddo is not in the habit of napping, maybe they should be. And if they really, really refuse to nap, you can still instate quiet time. My kids, up through the age of six, spend an hour or two in their beds at the same time each afternoon. If they sleep, great! If they don't, oh well. At least they're contained. It does take training - no child likes boundaries. So this might be something to work towards while you're still pregnant if it's not routine in your house yet. But if you know your older kiddo will be safe in their bed, and that you will have a window of time where you can doze next to the newborn for a bit, you are much more likely to rest.
Second tripping point: thinking a nap needs to be a naaaaaaaaaap. Some days, you may only get a 15-minute overlap where the newborn isn't wanting to nurse and the toddler is still in bed. I have a new mantra for you, both for napping and for life: "Some is better than none." Some sleep is better than no sleep.
And once the baby is about six weeks old, you can start gently guiding their sleep routine so that you can be on the path to getting more nighttime sleep as well. Here is a video I did on using Babywise with gentleness, flexibility, and compassion.
Rest, 2.0.
Resting goes way beyond just sleep. (If you can't tell, I honk the "Rest" horn pretty loud. If there is one thing I've learned in my course of parenting, it is that there are very few things that are as crucial to family life as adequate rest for everyone. We have suffered too much at the hands of my refusal to rest early on that I cannot, in clean conscience, shut up about resting.)
Take the first six weeks. That's about 40 days. Don't go to MOPS. Don't go to Target. Don't go to church. (In the Old Testament, women were commanded to stay home from the general assembly for 40 days after a boy was born, and 80 after a girl. God's okay with you missing church after having a baby. He is protecting you.) If you absolutely must take your tiny baby out to the pediatrician's office, I guess you absolutely must, but that pediatrician will receive a lot of muttering from me about the insanity of forcing a vulnerable mother and baby out of their nest into a den of infestation and percolation. STAY AT HOME. Set boundaries.
Yes, you'll go stir crazy. Yes, it will be hard. But seriously. It's only six weeks. If you don't rest, and you end up with a preventable season of PPD (I get that it's too simplistic to say that all PPD can be prevented with adequate sleep, but I really believe many cases can be), it will take you longer than that to crawl out of the hole, so just choose to do the hard work of resting on the front end. You're capable. I believe in you. Stick close to your bed, stay off your feet, rely heavily on freezer meals and meal trains and food delivery. You need this for your amazing body to heal, and to establish breastfeeding, and to actually get some sleep.
Set the laptop up in your bed so the older kiddo can watch Thomas next to you. Have a stack of picture books and a basket of snacks nearby so you're not constantly up and down. Get creative. Message me if you'd like me to help you troubleshoot.
Practical Logistics.
Park by the cart corral. I know when you were young and single and carefree, you were told never to park by the cart corral because what if someone hits your car with a cart? Just reconcile yourself to the fact that your car will one day get written on with gravel and always smell a little like old diapers, and rearrange your priorities. You're a mom of many now; park right there next to the cart corral. That way you can load the toddler into the cart right away, and either put the pumpkin seat right in as well, or put the baby in a carrier. (This is my favorite carrier for really little babies, then at around five months I switch them to this one.) Then, you can also haul them back that way, and put them in the car right before just popping the cart away. That way you're not schlepping two babies through the parking lot with no help and no hands.
Keep an umbrella stroller in your car at all times. A cheap, basic, no-frills umbrella stroller. This thing is a godsend. I just plunk the toddler into it when we go to doctor visits, or other public places that don't have carts. It's mobile restraint. When you get into the doctor's office, just leave the kiddo in there until it's time to leave, unless it's an absolute must that they come out. (And I don't mean, "take them out if they don't like it." They probably won't like it at first. Again, kids don't naturally like boundaries, and again, it's a trained skill.) The baby goes in a carrier (see a trend?), the toddler goes in the stroller, and you have two hands mostly-free.
Anticipate needs. Mealtimes will be busy; do as much as you can in advance. Fill milk cups and prep breakfast the evening before, so that you're not dealing with a hungry toddler/preschooler and a crying newborn. Don't plan on potty training the older one within the first four months of the baby's birth. Have a stack of both sizes of diapers, plus wipes, plus extra clothing for each kid, next to the couch, next to your bed, in the van, in your purse, and next to the changing table. Try to anticipate times in which you'll be needed in two places at once, and try to do as much as you can in advance to help these times go smoothly.
It's okay to make both kids wait. Often, despite your best efforts, both kids will need something at the same time. It's okay to tell a toddler to wait a few minutes for seconds on lunch while you nurse the baby. It's okay to let the baby cry for five minutes in her safe bed while you finish wiping the toddler's butt. We all have to lay down our "urgency" sometimes, including kiddos. Don't let these times get your heart racing. Just remind yourself that it is okay and good for them to learn to wait.
TV is okay. Maybe you didn't know this. It's okay if you use it to keep an older child occupied while you do something you absolutely can't do with them underfoot. Be discerning. Surfing your phone is not a TV-is-my-babysitter kind of situation. But showering might be. Sleeping definitely is. SUPERVISE, THOUGH. Don't let your young children on YouTube or give them access to the remote. Let them watch a Daniel Tiger DVD on the laptop in your bed while you sleep, or on the bathroom floor while you shower - do not leave the room when a child is watching TV. Intentionally pick a show you feel comfortable with, and allow the episode length to be your boundary for how much time you have to get said thing done, and then turn it off. Here's a helpful hint from me to you: the less TV your child watches on a typical day, the more this works. If it's just background noise most of the time, it won't occupy them when you need it to. So turn off the TV until you are ready to employ it as your babysitter, and then let it do its job, and then send it home.
Blanket train the older child. I'm not sure where this came from originally, but it seems people sometimes react strongly to this idea, so I think I'm using the phrase differently than in its original context. I'm not sure why people would freak over it, so hear me out. Get out a crib blanket. Put 5-7 toys and books on it. Put the toddler on it and set a timer for 3 minutes. If they get off, just pick them up, say no, and put them back on it. Do it however many times you need to. Then, when the timer goes off, give them a raisin or a chocolate chip. Eventually, stretch the time to 5 minutes, then 7, then 10, then 15. Eventually, stop offering a reward every time. ANNNNNNNNNND, Blanket-Trained.
This is a huge help when you're nursing, in public or at home. I've heard it referred to as 'a playpen in your purse' - just use a swaddle blanket, a nursing cover, or a towel whenever you need to. (Usually, if you have a younger baby, you have one or all of these items on hand most of the time anyway.) It gives the kiddo a visual boundary line, and keeps them from wandering away when you're unable to go after them. It also teaches them the super valuable lesson of sitting still for a hot sec and getting absorbed in a short stretch of independent play. Teaching them this skill is a kindness, with all kinds of applications.
And, a final word...
You will feel overwhelmed sometimes. That's okay and normal. Unless adding twins, there is no other point in mothering where you literally double your workload all at once, and usually your older child is still young and pretty needy, so the buck stops with you for EVVVVVVVVERYONE'S needs. You will have to learn how to multiply (rather than divide) your attention and affection for the first time. Getting out of the house will take eons and you won't know why. Parenting multiple kids is a learned skill; it takes time to feel comfortable. Have patience with yourself, and be realistic.
But there's also the flip side: this isn't your first rodeo. Many of the most important skills are second nature to you by now. And you will love watching your older child become a sibling - watching them love someone new, someone that you also love, is so bonding and wonderful. If you can believe it, the new baby will make you love your older kiddo more, not rob from them (or you!)
And for further reminders and help, here is a Facebook video I did on surviving the newborn days...
...and here is a link to a YouTube video I posted on the themes I covered in today's post.
...and here is a link to a YouTube video I posted on the themes I covered in today's post.
And, as always - don't hesitate to get in touch with me if you have follow-up questions, comments or concerns! I'm typically easiest to get ahold of through The Minivan Voorsts Facebook page, or my personal page.

















































