whut update.

On Saturday, my parents, my grandpa, and my sister and her husband came down to spend the weekend.  It was so great to have everyone here for the first time since we got settled.  Saturday we just spent the day around the house, and on Sunday we all attended Anthem's first service and partied the afternoon away for Laurelai's birthday.  It was a full day.

The launch service went really well, and we had about 200 people in attendance!  God is so crazy.  My brother-in-law was able to get some candid photos during the service.

After church and the birthday party, Uncle Austin showed them his camping equipment.  Gas stove with real flame?  Mace?  Sharp knife in a leather sheath?  You better believe Atticus was swooning.

We got into a pretty minor fender-bender on the way to church, so I've been spending the week getting estimates done on the van and setting up doctor's appointments for all the thousands of us.  The kids have been complaining of headaches and neckaches, and my whole body feels like one giant headache all day, so I'm hoping for a referral for some chiropractic care.  Nothing major, but it added some unexpected color to our week.

In other colorful news, I had been all excited because I'd finally set up our recycling bin since the move, and I was planning on trying to minimize our trash.  But then our dishwasher stopped working, so I've been relying heavily on paper plates because we dirty so many dishes.  So, one step forward, one step back.  I'm still not sure if/when we'll get our dishwasher repaired.  I'm starting to acknowledge the sad fact that life costs a lot of money, and I'm not happy about it.

The kids spent the week being adorable:

Atticus spent all his free time nailing stuff to other stuff.  (His bike helmet is currently nailed to a tree.)

Penelope spent her time drawing in her nature journal.

Finneas spent his time Finneasing, which is a verb I've decided to coin to describe running around naked at full-throttle, getting into everything, and alternately laughing and screaming in anger.  It is never boring to be Finneas.

Laurelai spent her week being simultaneously adorable and absolutely maddening.  But what else is new?  Also, she turned three, and I think it has given her an air of wisdom, maturity, and know-how.

And Rocco?  Well, even though I somehow dropped the ball on getting a photo of him this week, you know he's just as funny and delightful and wonderful as ever.

Todd taught at Salt Company last night, and killed it.  I'm so proud of him!

And that was our week.  How was yours?

hey, hey, look who's three!

Laurelai turned three on Monday.  YES SHE DID.  I can't believe it either.  And, apparently as always, there was a church launch around the same time as her birthday.  (Of the four birthdays she's had, including the actual day of her birth, two of them have been celebrated in conjunction with a church launch.)  So my family came down for the weekend to go to Anthem's first service and to party hearty with Lolo.  And this girl knows how to party.

Laurelai refused to show the camera how old she is now, so all her subjects (ahem, guests) took it upon themselves to inform you that she is, in fact, three.

Penelope was very excited to give Laur a gift.  It was a bag full of Penelope's old socks and a nightgown she doesn't wear anymore.  She said she chose those things mostly because Laurelai could spin around in the socks (which, admittedly, is Laurelai's favorite activity) and because Lo would love the frogs on the nightgown.  But second to those reasons, she conceded that the concept for the gift stemmed mainly from the fact that these things are now too small for Penelope.

We had fruit and yogurt parfaits for her special birthday treat, and we stuck flipflop toppers in them, in honor of her very favorite thing to put on each morning.

Laurelai finally admits to being three and not 'fourteen,' as she consistently informs people when they ask her age.

Happy, happy birthday to my sassafrass lady.  She is tiny and funny and so, so spicy.  She loves praying for 'girls who like to spin like me' and for 'the babies, and the babies, and not the babies.'  She is smart and spunky and has the other kids wrapped around her teeny tiny finger.  (Except Finneas.  Finneas seems to be onto her ways.  He is not fooled by her cutie patootie exterior.  So she just screams at him until he submits to whatever it is she's wanting.  So she screams a lot, because Finneas rarely submits to anyone.)  Her favorite outfit is her pink dress and her flipflops.  When I say, "You are getting so big!" she responds with, "No, I not.  I'm tiny."  She loves her daddy.  She loves to sing and dance and build with duplos.  She loves pretending that every piece of food is Mommy, Daddy and Laurelai.  She is our itty bitty Meat Sticks, our sistergirl, our Lolo.

We love you, Laur!  You're so special!

rocco's modern life: nine months.

Welp, now that we're less than a week away from him turning ten months old, I think it's time to do Rocco's nine-month update.

I think it's clear from the photographic evidence that he is still as stinking cute as ever.  Seriously, I cannot get enough of this kid.  Does he not just melt you?!  Look at those ears!  Look at those funny teeth and that wrinkly nose!  OHMYWORRRRRRRRD.

I have no idea how much he weighs. I was supposed to take him in for a nine-month check up, but our insurance here is wonky, and no one will take it, and I got an appointment with a doctor like 45 minutes away, and then I was like, "I just can't even."  So I cancelled it and have not put enough effort into finding a doctor closer to us.  My goal is to get a one-year check up scheduled... but we'll see if it pans out.  

I think the most notable thing about this month is that I'm still breastfeeding.  Exclusively.  He has never had formula, and I'm not currently supplementing at all.  This is the most successful I've ever been at breastfeeding.  I have prayed for this over and over with each kid, and not to jinx it or anything, but it is finally happening for me.  PTL!  (That means, "Praise the Lord!" for all you folks out there who don't throw around dorky Christian-ese abbrevs on the regular like I clearly do.)  In addition to nursing, he also loves guacamole and sauerkraut juice.

I am in love with this sweet, sweet, wonderful boy, and I'm not the only one.  The rest of the Van Voorst clan is pretty smitten as well.  What a lucky kid he is, to have such a big family of admirers!

a photo post about photo posts.

*not to be awkward and insert a weird, unrelated bit at the beginning of this blog, but i just need to say thank you to all of you who reached out after yesterday's meltdown post.  it kind of made me feel like a dummy, because the last thing on earth i was aiming for was to panhandle for attention, and it also made me feel like a dummy, because duh:  look at all these friends who love me enough to read my blog every week.  if i'm feeling forgotten about, that's a lie i'm choosing to believe.  but really, more than anything, your kindness made me feel loved and reassured that i'm not forgotten, so thank you so much.

Okay.  Onward.

You guys, I got my photos back!  I got allllllll the photos back, plus access to my photo software!  My mom came to visit and worked her IT-computer-technology-newfangled magic and everything has been recovered.  Which means no foreseeable heart attacks for me, and lots and lots and LOTS of photo posts for you.  I can finally finish posting about our trip to South Dakota.  And I can tell you more about the time we spent at the pool, and about Rocco turning nine months old, and our afternoon spent at Devil's Icebox.  I can show you All The Photos of Laurelai's birthday.  I think I may even plan another 'day in the life' post soon.  I'm clearly frenzied by my renewed access to my camera card.

Anyway.  All the excitement kind of tuckered me out, so I'll save my first official photo post for tomorrow, but in the meantime, this gem will singlehandedly make you so happy I got access to the photos:

Like mother, like daughter.  And like daughter, like Beaker.

One big happy family.

what it (sometimes) really feels like to church plant.

Last week was hard.  The students are back, and the church officially launched, and homeschool is in full swing.  There are things vying for my time and attention, and on the one hand it feels good, because I feel productive, and I feel most confident about myself when I'm actually accomplishing something.  But I think this church plant is exposing the lies I most readily believe: that I am only as valuable as my contributions.   That I stop existing when I'm no longer offering anything to anybody.  That I'm only worth as much as I can accomplish.

I think that can be the hard part of semi-nomadic ministry for me.  I feel like I pour myself into the ministry God gives me in a given spot, and then we're uprooted again, and I have nothing to show for it.  A few people have touched base since we left, but not many.  Almost no one asks, genuinely, how I'm doing with everything.  And if I'm being honest, I have been dealing with some hurt feelings and bitterness in response.

If I were to answer, genuinely, the question of how I'm doing with everything, I would say, "Not that well."  I hate our house, and I feel like a total ingrate because I can't just buck up and change my attitude about it.  I miss friends and family who don't seem to even notice or care that I've left.  I'm already drowning in homeschool and we're only three weeks in.  I think I may be in over my head with some of the outreach opportunities I've been given.  I get up at 8:00 in the morning, and by 10:30 I have to take a nap because I can't function.  And listing it all out makes me look like a sad-sack who can't get her crap together.

And I would still tell you that I wouldn't trade this life for anything.  I would still tell you that I'm absolutely convinced God will show up in this in amazing ways.  That he will use even this for my good.  These things are still true.  But it's hard.  It's lonely.  It's messy.  And I'm really tired.  These things are also true.  

smell ya later.

I'm sorry guys, but I'm throwing up my hands.  I need to take the rest of the week off of blogging.  My computer is being a veritable pee-pants, and I need to take a step back before I end up doing something rash.  Like chucking it out a window.  Or burning my whole house to the ground in my rage.  Yeah, I'm starting to break. 

So I think we will all be better off if I take a small breather, and come back on Monday.  Pray for me, guys.  Right now, I feel like there's a Highlander situation going on with the laptop, and I'm losing.

perfect storm.

It has been a full couple of weeks.  School has been running smoothly, but it makes for very full days, which I'm still getting accustomed to.  I don't love having every second of every day dictated by a schedule, so that has worn me down.  Although, I did wait until yesterday to come completely unhinged by it, so in a weird way, that's a win.  I mean, I held it together for two full weeks.  That's progress, friendo.  That's growth.  However, I'm going to need to figure out a way to protect some QuietIntrovertSilentFunTime each day, or we're in for a pretty rough ride.

In addition, Connection Group has started up, and Anthem's soft launch was last night.  It's really exciting to see this thing we've been working toward finally get off the ground, but it comes with the knowledge that things are probably about to get really busy and really difficult. 

I think one of the hardest things about the pace of life over the last few years has been trying to achieve balance.  I need a lot of alone time and a lot of sleep in order to function like a decent, non-mutant human being, but I also have kids to raise, and teach, and enjoy the heck out of.  So... balance.  And I (have grown to) love ministry and having people in my home, but I'm also a deeply sweatpanted hermit with one million kids.  So... balance.  And we have moved to Missouri, where the homeschool laws are a pain in the tuckus, but I don't want to make our whole life revolve around school at the expense of our, well, whole life.  So... balance?  Maybe?  Hopefully?

I think yesterday's mental breakdown, and last night's soft launch, came with the sobering realization that this is it: this is where it gets difficult.  We will walk through trials.  We will make mistakes.  We will come unglued.  The straw that breaks the camel's back in this season will end up being a kid who put so many carrots in their mouth that they can't swallow any of the chewed up carrot-bits, or something equally ridiculous, and we will feel certain that we can't do any of this. 

It is coming.  We are not naïve this time.  We are standing on the porch in the middle of the tornado, and we already know what it will feel like when it hits us.  And maybe we're just idiots who should be hunkering down and hiding from the storm.  But maybe we'll know something more about awe and miracles and provision and faithfulness because we're willing to stand on the porch.

I don't know.  Maybe it's just the idiot thing.

whut's up. (weekly.)

In the near-constant stream of computer problems we seem to be having, we no longer have access to any of our photos, or any way to upload and edit the ones on our camera.  So if you follow me and Todd on Instagram, the photos in this post will be old news, since that's all I've got for now.

First things first, I would like to air my grievances about our computers, if you don't mind.  First, our Dell hard drive died a few years ago.  We replaced it.  Then the moniter got way wonky.  We replaced it.  Then the DVD player crapped out.  We replaced it.  Then the battery and power cord situation ended up super janky.  We replaced them.  Now the hard drive seems to have died again.  In the meantime, we've been using a hand-me-down laptop, but it doesn't type properly in any internet applications, so I have to type most stuff in Microsoft Word and paste it into Internet Explorer.  Why Explorer?  Because it won't open Google Chrome without freezing.  Or attach photos to anything using Internet Explorer.  And now Lightroom (the application with all our photos and all our editing) now won't open.  And the DVD player has decided it doesn't work, so I can't even use the kids' math curriculum instructional videos for school.

I have about had it with technology.  It's not worth it.  I'm going to move in with my Amish milk girl and reboot my life.  I can figure out a way to blog while Amish, right?

Okay.  Now that I've ruminated on that long enough to make me want to chuck this very laptop through our dining room wall (and hopefully get insurance to pay for a big glass door and address another one of my grievances: Complete and Utter Lack of Natural Light Even at High Noon), let's move on, shall we?

Last weekend, we took the kids to Rock Bridge, a natural rock formation with lots of nearby hiking trails, a stream, and a cave.  It was fun!  There was this half-underwater cave called Devil's Icebox, where the water stays 58 degrees year-round.  It really sucks that I can't show you pictures.

I began by wondering, "what would the Devil use ice for?" and ended by figuring out, "what WOULDN'T he use it for?"

A photo posted by Todd Van Voorst (@toddhenryvanvoorst) on Aug 13, 2016 at 9:38pm PDT

A photo posted by Todd Van Voorst (@toddhenryvanvoorst) on Aug 16, 2016 at 3:54pm PDT

Saturday evening, I got in the van to drive to a friend's house, and it wouldn't start.  The fuel pump had totally died and needed to be replaced.  I think you can start to see how our week has been.  But God ended up using it in amazing ways to really show us how strong our community already is here - a friend gave us a ride to church the next day, another couple of friends lent us their van for a few days so I could pick up milk on Monday, and yet another couple took a look at our van for us.  It was a weird blessing, and I ended up being so grateful for the chance to see our community come around us to love us so well.

Yesterday was our ninth anniversary!  It feels so surreal.  I remember once, when we were first married, meeting a couple who had been married for nine years and thinking they seemed like they had been married forever.  It's weird to think that that's us now.

Nine years in the books, and life is goooood.

A photo posted by Paige Van Voorst (@theminivanvoorsts) on Aug 17, 2016 at 5:17pm PDT

To celebrate, Todd took me out to dinner at this super fancy steak place.  And by 'steak,' I mean, 'thing that resembles steak but is so far superior to steak that it's kind of a new thing now.'  It was incredible.  Even the salad was so good.  And you know if you're freaking out by the time you take the first bite of the side salad, the rest of the dinner is going to be fantastic.  And it was.  Right down to the crème brule cheesecake.  Yes; if you're wondering, I did gain exactly 74 million pounds last night.  Thanks for noticing.

We headed back home for a date intermission so I could feed Rocco and Todd could put the kids in bed for the sitters, then we headed downtown... to a tattoo place.  I have wanted a tattoo for literally half my life.  I have found myself in tattoo shops no less than three times now, ready to pull the trigger.  And each previous time, something got in the way.  So I'm so excited to have finally gotten to go through with it.  I got little triangles for each of the kids on my wrist.  I also got my nose pierced again.  And twice.  I'm hoping to (SOON AND VERY SOON) change out the blingy studs to some very small gold rings.

So... Guess what I did...

A photo posted by Paige Van Voorst (@theminivanvoorsts) on Aug 17, 2016 at 7:57pm PDT

A photo posted by Paige Van Voorst (@theminivanvoorsts) on Aug 17, 2016 at 7:58pm PDT

A photo posted by Paige Van Voorst (@theminivanvoorsts) on Aug 18, 2016 at 9:04am PDT

A photo posted by Todd Van Voorst (@toddhenryvanvoorst) on Aug 17, 2016 at 8:13pm PDT

We survived our second full week of school, and I'm still going steady with my Couch to 5k endeavor (I ran 3.00 miles in 30 minutes the other day; my goal is 3.1 miles in under 30 minutes, so I'm getting close!).  It's been kind of a crazy week, but we all lived to tell the tale, so life is good, right?  Right.

happy ninth van-niversary to my very best pal in all the world!

Oh, Todd Henry Van Voorst.  The love of my life.  I'm so glad I have you.  I'm so grateful for your steadiness, your depth, your color, your character, your conviction.  Your loyal, unwavering friendship.  The way you make me belly laugh on the regular.  The intentionality with which you approach parenting, marriage, work, leadership.  The way you choose not to see me only for my (many, ever-present) flaws.  You're better than I am; you're better than most people, in fact.  I'm so lucky I get to share my life and my home and my kids and my highs and my lows and my memories and my jokes and my sorrows with you.  I wouldn't want it any other way.

Todd, you're the best thing about me.  Thank you for picking me!

the good word collective: rest.

"We were crushing each other, and we were each being crushed.  It was suffocating, this expectation to be perfect and holy and wonderful all the damn time.  We loved each other, and we even liked each other, but there were times where we both kind of wished to die and finally end the constant pressure..."

Read the rest of my story of, well, rest today over at The Good Word Collective!  (I'm not sure what time it will post, so keep checking back if it's not up quite yet!)