todd and i were discussing the origins of the phrase, "this too shall pass" on tuesday on our way up to sioux center. to make a long story short, king solomon wanted something that would make him both happy and sad at the same time, and his servant turned up this saying (this is legend, not biblical). and most of the time when i look at atticus, i can totally see why this fulfilled the king's request.
there is this delicate balance that exists as atticus grows - the relief of knowing that someday middle of the night feedings and lugging heavy carseats and being sticky ALL THE TIME will pass...i'll sleep (theoretically), and have flabby biceps, and maybe even feel clean, and life will be good. but he'll also stop cooing, stop being enthralled by silly things like my hand or the pie pan i hung from his bouncy seat (thanks for the idea, allison), stop being perfectly content with spending his whole day staring at me. he'll stop needing me as wholly and desperately as he does now. this too shall pass, and it's so sad sometimes. (not that i want to wind up with a forty year old son that lives in my guestroom and still needs me to pat his butt to put him to sleep.)
i already miss his newborn self so much, but i love the little guy he is. i'm so excited to see him grow up, but i don't want to let go of the little guy he is. and i can't help but wonder what i'll look back on and wish i had done differently, appreciated more, been more willing to let go of. and i can't help but wonder what HE'LL look back on and wish i had done differently, appreciated more, been more willing to let go of. and i wonder if he'll ever totally forgive me for the mistakes i'm sure to make, or if the happy memories will outweigh the rough ones. or if, when he has kids, he'll be adamant that he'll raise them so much better than i had raised him. or if he'll say things like, "my mom did the best she could, but..."
i just wish wisdom came completely and immediately. i wish i didn't have to make mistakes BEFORE i knew how to do things right. i wish i didn't have to live 25 years in order to have 25 years of knowledge.
but mostly i wish i was god - existing outside of time, being able to experience past, present and future all at once, never making mistakes or being sinfully selfish, always being the perfect parent.
but thankfully, GOD is god, and he forgives me when my sin makes me fall short of these things, and he reassures me when my humanity limits my abilities to experience these things. and it all makes me think about eternity, where time (presumably) is not a continuum and where there is no regret. it's unfathomable, really.
Showing posts with label reality momming. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reality momming. Show all posts
it's all different now.
alright, so we're at growth spurt #2. it's 12:50 am, i just fed atticus about a half hour ago, and i'm currently balancing him on my legs so that he stays quiet for the next 15 minutes before he's ready to eat again. that way the yeti will stop banging on the vents. i'm not kidding; i'm getting banged at by the yeti. oh, what a topsy turvy world.
i started yoga yesterday. it was awesome; afterward i felt like i used to after i was done with a dance class or session, like taller or something. with bigger lungs. it was the first time since atticus was born that i was truly by myself - without atticus or todd with me. it was actually kind of nice. not that i don't like being with my family, actually just the opposite, but i felt like "me" for a little while. maybe it's selfish that i liked it so much, but it felt really good. my life has turned upside down and looks absolutely nothing like it used to. for the most part, i'm completely glad and i definitely would not trade atticus for the world. i'm just trying to adjust to what life is supposed to be for me now.
half the time, i don't even shower or change out of my pajamas because even if i get the time, i'm usually too tired and unmotivated. and even when i shower, i never feel clean. i don't even feel clean while i'm in the shower. i feel accomplished if i find the time to brush my teeth before noon. it has been more than a month since i've gotten more than 3 consecutive hours of sleep. it's a huge ordeal to even go to target. (do i have the diaper bag? is he dressed warm enough for the car? do i heat the car before i take him out and leave him alone in the apartment, or do i just bundle him extra and take him in a cold car? when we get there, how long do we have before we have to leave because he'll need to eat? am i paying close enough attention to not stop abruptly/talk too loudly/accidently bump anything with the cart for fear of waking him up, having him scream, and being stared at by strangers? when i leave, did i make sure to actually get my sack of purchases, or was i too distracted by trying to manage the cars eat that i forgot?)
atticus went through a growth spurt, then he spent a week refusing to sleep. then he spent a week sleeping, but not really knowing how often he would eat (his routine changed every day). now he's hit his second growth spurt. it feels like life will never "settle" into anything recognizable.
i've heard new moms say these exact things too many times to count. but i guess it just went in one ear and out the other or something, because i'm somehow surprised that it's like this for me. and i don't know if i'm just overly tired because it's 1 am and i've been listening to him cry for the last 4 hours, or if i'm actually as worn out as i feel. all i know is that during the relaxation exercises during yoga, i had to consciously avoid thinking about atticus, otherwise i would tense up and have to start all over, thinking about eating an orange or some other ridiculous suggestion made by the instructor. and i also know that it broke my heart that thinking about eating an orange (or smelling a flower or standing in the rain... the yoga instructor was a little strange) relaxed me more than thinking about my own child.
i really don't want to fall into a pattern of wishing atticus was a little older, because i want to enjoy each stage of life while i have him, but all i can think about is when he's a few months older and sleeping through the night and on a feeding schedule and past his growth spurts and actually smiling at me sometimes instead of just staring at best.
please dont' get the impression that i don't love my family, or that for even a half a second i regret anything. i'm just realizing that i maybe should have listened a little harder to so much of that unsolicited advice during pregnancy. my child is not the sinless baby i thought he would be, and i'm so far from the confident mom i thought i would be. i'm interested to see all the ways god's going to use this time in all our lives. i hope i'm able to handle it all gracefully, but if you've read any of this entry leading up to now, i'm sure you're doubting that as much as i am.
i started yoga yesterday. it was awesome; afterward i felt like i used to after i was done with a dance class or session, like taller or something. with bigger lungs. it was the first time since atticus was born that i was truly by myself - without atticus or todd with me. it was actually kind of nice. not that i don't like being with my family, actually just the opposite, but i felt like "me" for a little while. maybe it's selfish that i liked it so much, but it felt really good. my life has turned upside down and looks absolutely nothing like it used to. for the most part, i'm completely glad and i definitely would not trade atticus for the world. i'm just trying to adjust to what life is supposed to be for me now.
half the time, i don't even shower or change out of my pajamas because even if i get the time, i'm usually too tired and unmotivated. and even when i shower, i never feel clean. i don't even feel clean while i'm in the shower. i feel accomplished if i find the time to brush my teeth before noon. it has been more than a month since i've gotten more than 3 consecutive hours of sleep. it's a huge ordeal to even go to target. (do i have the diaper bag? is he dressed warm enough for the car? do i heat the car before i take him out and leave him alone in the apartment, or do i just bundle him extra and take him in a cold car? when we get there, how long do we have before we have to leave because he'll need to eat? am i paying close enough attention to not stop abruptly/talk too loudly/accidently bump anything with the cart for fear of waking him up, having him scream, and being stared at by strangers? when i leave, did i make sure to actually get my sack of purchases, or was i too distracted by trying to manage the cars eat that i forgot?)
atticus went through a growth spurt, then he spent a week refusing to sleep. then he spent a week sleeping, but not really knowing how often he would eat (his routine changed every day). now he's hit his second growth spurt. it feels like life will never "settle" into anything recognizable.
i've heard new moms say these exact things too many times to count. but i guess it just went in one ear and out the other or something, because i'm somehow surprised that it's like this for me. and i don't know if i'm just overly tired because it's 1 am and i've been listening to him cry for the last 4 hours, or if i'm actually as worn out as i feel. all i know is that during the relaxation exercises during yoga, i had to consciously avoid thinking about atticus, otherwise i would tense up and have to start all over, thinking about eating an orange or some other ridiculous suggestion made by the instructor. and i also know that it broke my heart that thinking about eating an orange (or smelling a flower or standing in the rain... the yoga instructor was a little strange) relaxed me more than thinking about my own child.
i really don't want to fall into a pattern of wishing atticus was a little older, because i want to enjoy each stage of life while i have him, but all i can think about is when he's a few months older and sleeping through the night and on a feeding schedule and past his growth spurts and actually smiling at me sometimes instead of just staring at best.
please dont' get the impression that i don't love my family, or that for even a half a second i regret anything. i'm just realizing that i maybe should have listened a little harder to so much of that unsolicited advice during pregnancy. my child is not the sinless baby i thought he would be, and i'm so far from the confident mom i thought i would be. i'm interested to see all the ways god's going to use this time in all our lives. i hope i'm able to handle it all gracefully, but if you've read any of this entry leading up to now, i'm sure you're doubting that as much as i am.
telling it like it is.
atticus is finally asleep and i have a second to actually update!
it's been a good couple of weeks. atticus had his two-week appointment on the 19th, and he weighed 9 lb 2 oz, and was 21.75 inches long. (are you kidding me?! atticus is awake again.) the doctor said he looks really healthy, which is good.
the next day, atticus began his second growth spurt. he was wanting to eat like every 45 minutes - and when it takes him 20 minutes to eat and another 5 minutes to change him, that only left me around 20 minutes to do anything else at a time. it made for a few long days of doing very little other than sitting on the couch.
(over the span of the last 5 minutes, atticus has been put back to sleep, woken up again, and been put back to sleep. i have a feeling this is going to be a long afternoon...he has slept a total of about 10 minutes in the last 5 hours. and of course, he wakes up the second i put him down in his bed, so i'm having to do most things one-handed.)
anyway. by wednesday after he started his growth spurt on saturday, i was going crazy. i'd hardly slept at all, and spent most of my waking moments feeding him. i was starting to suspect that he was over his growth spurt and had just gotten used to eating so often. plus, with as much as he was eating, i bet his tummy hurt. he was grouchy, i was crying. todd worked an overnight, and i didn't know who to call for help, since my mom lives 3 hours away and it was christmas eve and i didn't want to bug anyone. i tried calling first nurse to see how long a growth spurt was supposed to last and how to tell if a baby has just gotten used to eating super often. her less-than-friendly answer? "we don't have information on that. every baby is different." well.
so on christmas, we went over to the duvicks for the day. since ami has six kids, i figured she knew a thing or two about getting a kid back into a decent routine. oh my word, she was awesome. by the time we left that afternoon, atticus was back into a three-hour routine, was sleeping like a champ, and was all around a much happier little guy! it was a christmas miracle.
on saturday, we were supposed to drive down to my parents' house, stopping on the way to visit my dad and his current wife, my dad's ex-wife, and my dad's parents. (as todd says, this holiday brought to you by divorce.) however, the roads were REALLY bad, so we couldn't leave until 5.5 hours after we had expected to. we drove about 40 miles an hour on the highway for about a quarter of the way, and i lost count of how many cars we saw in the ditch. we even saw a charter bus in the ditch.
the next day we did a big christmas thing with my stepdad's daughters. one of the highlights of the day was when i let the four-year-old son of my stepsister's friend help me with atticus. he was awesome at holding him, and really wanted to help with other stuff, so i offered to let him help me change him (meaning, he got to attach the velcro tabs on the clean diaper). however, during the cleaning process, gavin was like, "what's that brown thing?" even though i thought it was strange that a four-year-old boy didn't recognize it, i was like, "that's poop." "no, i meant that other brown thing." oh.... um.... "well, uh, that's his privates." awkward. last time i'm allowing a stranger's kid to look in my kid's diaper. mistake noted.
speaking of diapers, over the course of 36 hours over the weekend, atticus crapped his way through 10 outfits. i hate target brand diapers with a passion. another mistake noted.
the drive back to ames was going to take about 3 hours, so i fed atticus right before we left, thinking that we could hope to barely make it back to ames before he got hungry again. he slept for six hours. i'm not even kidding. it was amazing. then last night, he slept about 5 hours in a single stretch. i'm hoping that sticks, although i'm thinking that's the reason he's having kind of a difficult time falling asleep today.
and...i think that's about it. i've typed virtually this entire blog while balancing atticus on my chest. i feel accomplished! we have a bunch of new pictures...i'll post some soon!
it's been a good couple of weeks. atticus had his two-week appointment on the 19th, and he weighed 9 lb 2 oz, and was 21.75 inches long. (are you kidding me?! atticus is awake again.) the doctor said he looks really healthy, which is good.
the next day, atticus began his second growth spurt. he was wanting to eat like every 45 minutes - and when it takes him 20 minutes to eat and another 5 minutes to change him, that only left me around 20 minutes to do anything else at a time. it made for a few long days of doing very little other than sitting on the couch.
(over the span of the last 5 minutes, atticus has been put back to sleep, woken up again, and been put back to sleep. i have a feeling this is going to be a long afternoon...he has slept a total of about 10 minutes in the last 5 hours. and of course, he wakes up the second i put him down in his bed, so i'm having to do most things one-handed.)
anyway. by wednesday after he started his growth spurt on saturday, i was going crazy. i'd hardly slept at all, and spent most of my waking moments feeding him. i was starting to suspect that he was over his growth spurt and had just gotten used to eating so often. plus, with as much as he was eating, i bet his tummy hurt. he was grouchy, i was crying. todd worked an overnight, and i didn't know who to call for help, since my mom lives 3 hours away and it was christmas eve and i didn't want to bug anyone. i tried calling first nurse to see how long a growth spurt was supposed to last and how to tell if a baby has just gotten used to eating super often. her less-than-friendly answer? "we don't have information on that. every baby is different." well.
so on christmas, we went over to the duvicks for the day. since ami has six kids, i figured she knew a thing or two about getting a kid back into a decent routine. oh my word, she was awesome. by the time we left that afternoon, atticus was back into a three-hour routine, was sleeping like a champ, and was all around a much happier little guy! it was a christmas miracle.
on saturday, we were supposed to drive down to my parents' house, stopping on the way to visit my dad and his current wife, my dad's ex-wife, and my dad's parents. (as todd says, this holiday brought to you by divorce.) however, the roads were REALLY bad, so we couldn't leave until 5.5 hours after we had expected to. we drove about 40 miles an hour on the highway for about a quarter of the way, and i lost count of how many cars we saw in the ditch. we even saw a charter bus in the ditch.
the next day we did a big christmas thing with my stepdad's daughters. one of the highlights of the day was when i let the four-year-old son of my stepsister's friend help me with atticus. he was awesome at holding him, and really wanted to help with other stuff, so i offered to let him help me change him (meaning, he got to attach the velcro tabs on the clean diaper). however, during the cleaning process, gavin was like, "what's that brown thing?" even though i thought it was strange that a four-year-old boy didn't recognize it, i was like, "that's poop." "no, i meant that other brown thing." oh.... um.... "well, uh, that's his privates." awkward. last time i'm allowing a stranger's kid to look in my kid's diaper. mistake noted.
speaking of diapers, over the course of 36 hours over the weekend, atticus crapped his way through 10 outfits. i hate target brand diapers with a passion. another mistake noted.
the drive back to ames was going to take about 3 hours, so i fed atticus right before we left, thinking that we could hope to barely make it back to ames before he got hungry again. he slept for six hours. i'm not even kidding. it was amazing. then last night, he slept about 5 hours in a single stretch. i'm hoping that sticks, although i'm thinking that's the reason he's having kind of a difficult time falling asleep today.
and...i think that's about it. i've typed virtually this entire blog while balancing atticus on my chest. i feel accomplished! we have a bunch of new pictures...i'll post some soon!
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