what i haven't told you about the baby, and an update.

Last week, I shared the exciting news that we'd had our ultrasound, and we are thrilled to be welcoming a baby girl!

What I didn't share at the time was that the ultrasound appeared to show some significant anomalies, and we have spent the last week awaiting the results of some further tests.

Essentially, the sonographer noticed a few things that caused her concern, and so she left the room to go get a doctor to speak with us.  What the ultrasound was showing was some thick webbing around the baby's neck, and a stunted growth trajectory - intrauterine growth restriction.  Specifically, the baby's thighs are not measuring where they should be according to her gestational age.  All of these are soft markers for chromosomal abnormalities - most typically, Down Syndrome.

Because of these things, I was scheduled to have a follow-up ultrasound at 25 weeks, along with an echo of Baby's heart.  Then, at 32 weeks, I would begin weekly ultrasounds to track her growth, and at 38 weeks they would induce me, if I hadn't gone into labor by that point.

All of this was a bit overwhelming to learn, but I was surprised by the complete peace I felt as the doctor was speaking to me.  I wasn't shocked.  I wasn't afraid.  I honestly didn't even feel a need to run further tests at that point - whatever our daughter is like, in whatever unique way she is knit together, we will welcome her with excitement, joy and gratitude!  All a test can give you is information in cases like this - it can't offer a fix for anything, and as I already felt peace, test results couldn't even offer me that, either.  So we declined further testing.

Later in the day, however, after discussing it more, we decided it would be a good idea to at least have a blood test run.  While an amniocentesis is the most accurate and most thorough test we could have pursued, it comes with a lot of risks to the baby that we weren't willing to take.  But there is a simple blood test that they could run on me that would test for the three most common chromosomal anomalies - Trisomy 13, Trisomy 18, and Trisomy 21 (Down Syndrome, by far the most commonly occurring abnormality), as well as any sex chromosome abnormalities such as Turner's Syndrome.  While the test isn't 100% accurate if it comes back with positives (though it is very accurate if it reports negative findings), it would at least give us a glimpse at what we could be facing, which could help us not only mentally prepare for the birth, but also know if we needed to pursue extra medical help shortly after the birth.  (Often.children with chromosomal uniquenesses have secondary issues, such as heart, intestinal, or kidney problems that require intervention.)

It has been a long week of waiting to hear back.  Of imagining worst-case scenarios in which our baby doesn't make it, or suffers after the birth.  Of stressing out over being induced, which I am strongly opposed to except in cases of clear medical necessity - which I wasn't convinced this would be.  While I felt at peace about whatever the potential diagnosis might or might not be, I felt anxiety about all of the other unknowns.  And then when I fell while I was up at the Amish, it just exacerbated the stress.  ("What if all the worst-case scenarios I had been imagining have just been trumped by a worse-than-worst-case scenario, of my own doing?")  Needless to say, the week has felt heavy and strange.

Todd has spent the last week fasting and praying for miraculous health and healing for our little girl, and that the results of our tests, as well as what we find during our upcoming ultrasound, would astound the doctors.  I've spent the week praying that God would equip us for whatever is coming.  Whatever happens, I just want to receive our daughter with gratitude and joy, knowing that God is a God of purpose and goodness, whose ways are always good.  I want to receive his blessings in whatever form he offers them, knowing that they're perfect gifts from a good God who loves us.   Todd and I make a good prayer team.

On Sunday, we were talking about how the weight of the unknown just wouldn't leave either of us.  Even when I was sleeping, I have been aware of the waiting.  I have been aware of the heaviness all the time.  I took a lot of comfort at church on Sunday when Todd preached about Jesus, and called back to Genesis 1, when "the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was over the face of the deep.  And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters.  And God said, 'Let there be light,' and there was light.  And God saw that the light was good."  I was reminded that God makes light in dark places, that he forms beautiful things in places where there is nothing.  That my womb is not too far away, or too dark a place for him to hover, and create, and make light, and declare it good.

And then on Sunday afternoon, the mental weight just... let up.  It stopped.  I moved through Sunday afternoon and all day Monday aware that something had definitely shifted.  I was aware of the fact that life felt very normal all of a sudden.  Which is why, on Tuesday morning, when the doctor called to give me the results of the blood test, I wasn't surprised.

Every marker came back negative.  From what they're able to tell from this specific test, every single thing about our baby is fine.  Normal.  Underwhelming.  Boring.  Miraculous.

I called Todd to tell him he could break his fast - the wait was over!  As a celebration and a sign post, we took the kids out for pizza last night.   We want them to see that God answers prayers, and we want to give them an event to remember this by.  We are all so grateful to learn that our baby is healthy and safe - whatever her chromosomal makeup looks like, our ultimate goal is simply a safe, healthy baby - and the kids' joy was palpable.  (They even performed a 'thank you God' parade when we got home from the pizza place.)

So, now you're caught up and in the loop, and what has been true all along is still the case: we're all thrilled to meet this baby in the next few months!  While we're still not completely out of the woods in some ways, we're so glad to be reminded that God is writing her unique story already - we're privileged to get front row seats to see his hand at work in her individual life!