cutting the tree to the quick.

ahh, the 'fake tree v. real tree' discussion we have every year.  every year, todd's like, 'let's get an artificial tree this year.  it's only a one-time expense, you don't have to wrestle it home every year, you can leave it decorated, it doesn't shed, it probably never smells like animal urine like that one time.  all of these things are wins.'  and every year i'm like, 'noooooo.  nostalgia!  (yummy) smells!  memories!  i promise i'll vacuum so the pine needles don't get into atticus' eyes like that one year!  puhleeeeeeeease!'  and todd is adequately convinced for at least one more year, although he's covered in sap at the time and not happy about it.  like, at all.

so here we were, with a tree strapped to the roof of the vidivan, and i was as happy as a clam in butter sauce whose clam husband is moderately annoyed with her, but everything will be okay because butter sauce.  and that, friends, is a happy clam.

we got the last tree of its kind at menard's.  sure, there were smaller ones, but we've all seen how that goes over.  and sure, there were the vanderbilt-caliber trees, that were like twice as expensive because their needles are all fancy and they circulate unicorn blood instead of sap.  but this guy was tall and cheap and perfect.

as it turns out, though, we bought a siamese.  it's not just one tree, but two, which grew next to each other and ended up shaped as though they were only one.  remove either tree, and the other is curved and grotesque and obviously missing its mate.  like me when todd is at work or in the bathroom, and not around to round me out in the classic man-and-his-rib kind of way.  you just got 'christmas-tree-as-a-metaphor-for-marriage-which-is-a-metaphor-for-christ-and-the-church'ed.  yeah, i'm that good.

anyway, todd had to saw off the metaphorical feet of the metaphorically married tree.  i'm not really sure what that was supposed to symbolize, but it creeps me out a little.  so i took a bunch of photos of it to assuage my unease.

anyway, as is the inconsistent tradition, i'll be picking a name for this tree.  last year's tree was Little Billy Junior, our first christmas tree was named Christy Brinkley.  somewhere in there we had a Daddy Warbucks.  this year, i'm thinking something along the lines of The Deuces... or something.

so here's where stuff could get fun if you people bring your A-game: leave your idea(s) for a name for this tree in the comments.  i'll pick a winner based on my own fickle feelings and name the tree thusly.  okay...GO!


todd said...


todd said...

my mom votes Twofir

clever lady!