family bathroom fun time!

the other day, i found myself at target with all the kids in tow.  i should have known things were about to turn south, but those big huge carts that seat nearly all of them always make me forget that target is actually an impossible venture.  i'm always like, 'there's clearly ample opportunity to keep them all corralled! let's do this thing!'

truthfully, it actually wasn't so bad for the most part.  i forget what we were there for, which is significant in its non-eventfulness.  BUT.  as we were standing in line to pay, finneas informed me he had to pee.  which meant that we all had to book it to the bathroom, stat.  it also meant that once we reached said bathroom, i wasn't able to keep them all corralled in the cart, as the family-sized cart is massive and also not allowed in the bathroom on principle.  so i took all the kids out and we headed into the 'family-friendly' bathroom.

i'm just putting this out there:  if there are no sterile chairs with seat belts upon which waiting children can sit, a bathroom is not family-friendly.

i started off my telling atticus and penelope not to touch anything while holding laur in one hand and trying to get finneas' pants down with the other.  i pulled them down to his ankles rather than taking them all the way off, to avoid having to take off his shoes with one hand, and also allow his bare feet to touch that floor.  unfortunately, because the toilet was so big, and his little legs couldn't straddle very far with the pants binding them together at the ankles, it didn't allow him to get the right angle of... things, and pee went shooting out the front of the toilet between the bowl and the seat.

so then i one-handedly got him off the toilet, cleaned him off, pulled his pants up, and then cleaned up the floor with toilet paper.

also?  penelope decided this was as good a time as any to announce she had to poop, since we were in a bathroom and all.  

so i got her up on the seat, after first removing her shoes and pants so that she can get a nice wide 'stance,' because even though she's a girl, i was not risking any more clean up.  then, since we were all crammed in a tiny cubicle of a bathroom, the boys figured they have nothing better to do than watch her poop and provide running commentary.

the real dilemma came when she was done:  to wipe her, i would need one hand to hold her still, and one hand to do the dirty work.  but then what was i supposed to do with laurelai?  i couldn't just set her on the floor.  i tried to get atticus to hold her, but that went nowhere fast, and ended with her screaming her head off anyway.

so i contorted myself into a really weird half-standing, half-squatting position and squeezed her between my knees.  she loved every second of it.

then it came time to wash hands.  the big kids were relatively proficient, but how was i to hold laurelai and soap finneas' hands, and lift him up high enough to reach the sink while my one free hand was all soapy?  and how was i supposed to effectively wash my own hands with only the free use of one at a time?

we busted out of that bathroom so stinking fast after that.  my legs felt like they were made of lead.  we got to the van and all i could do was sit there for a second and pray that no one had caught e. coli or something.  BUT.  the one encouraging thing about all of this is that i'm pretty sure i'm completely invincible.  i could beat the hulk at something.  and even though that thing is propping-a-toddler-between-your-knees-while-butt-wiping-a-preschooler, it is still going on my resume.

1 comment :

lauren said...

hahahaha. I'm so sorry. this sounds so stressful. but you're also so great.