just providing you with the facts, folks.

warning: if you're one of those people who would like to continue thinking that pregnant ladies are cute, you shouldn't read this blog.  if you like to think that the belly is 90% decorative and that there's a 'glow' about a pregnant lady that can only be attributed to the spit left behind when the angels kissed her, stop here.

i warned you.

i am here to dash your preconceived notions about the cuteness of pregnancy.  while i'm at it, i will also say that the stork does not deliver babies and watermelon seeds are in no way involved.

and also, i strongly suspect, from the pure ratio of the number of actual blind guys in the world to the number of focus on the family radio programs addressing the topic, that masturbation does not cause blindness.

that last one has very little to do with pregnancy - actually, it has the opposite to do with pregnancy - but i thought it pertinent.  not condoning anything here, people, just providing you with all the facts.  i'm like your D.A.R.E. officer, only without the potbelly mustache.  and my D.A.R.E. officer went on to win the lottery, so if i could be a millionaire by simply growing a mustache, i'd do it.  (i've got the potbelly thing down, does that get me at least half a mil?)

anyway, back to crushing your fantasies:  i STINK when i'm pregnant.  as in, i have B.O. about 10 seconds after stepping out of the shower.  also, my pit hair grows really fast and i'm balding on top of my head, but that's not the point of this part of my post.  (all in due time, friends.  all. in. due. time.)

and it's not that i don't wear deodorant or anything.  in fact, the other day i tried putting on todd's deodorant to see if the man-stuff is in fact stronger than sparkly berry-scented teen spirit or the kind with built-in pit moisturizer.  (yes, i did, todd.  i'm sorry you're having to find out this way.)  (also, girl deodorant is dumb.) and you know what?  i smelled like a tenth-grade boy.  like, aww, good effort, but now i really just smell like sweat with a hint of pine.

and that 'preggo glow'?  just good old fashioned perspiration.

you heard it straight from the horse's mouth.  because my breath kind of stinks, too,  but that's from all the puking.

1 comment :

Anonymous said...

For me, my skin becomes like a middle schooler's nightmare. And my butt has grown so big that I literally ripped a pair of underwear (so I don't believe for one second that I am all belly). Pregnancy is not as glamorous as people make it out to be.