glad i'm the girl.

our house is an old house.  and yes, it has a new kitchen and a finished basement and all things that would make you think it's not an old house, but it's an oooold house.  (we will be throwing it a centennial party in 2013; mark your calendars.  and i'm serious this time - it won't fall through like our 'time, times, and half-a-time' anniversary party.)

so.  anyway.

old houses exude charm.  and also exude creepy crawlies.  luckily, our house contains more charm than creepies, but i'm starting to wonder just how much charm it will take to balance out the number of uninvited residents.

one night, we are sitting in the basement watching tv, and i glimpse something out of the corner of my eye, and i'm not kidding you, this huge, brown, hairy wolf spider is crawling up my leg.  this thing was about the diameter of a quarter.  so of course i scream because i'm about to get eaten to death in one bite by this thing, and todd thinks i'm being all dramatic so he looks over to reprimand me...when he also sees it.  and also screams.  (well, more like gasps.  a really loud gasp.)  what. a. drama. queen.

because he's the man in this relationship (i know it's shocking because my bulging biceps have you fooled, but it's true), i made him kill it.

then, a few days later i was pulling sheets out of the dryer and i turn around and i see THE. BIGGEST. SPIDER. I. HOPE. I. EVER. SEE.  anybody see that one lord of the rings movie with the giant spider that's bigger than all the hobbits?  this thing made me feel like a hobbit.  also, i wasn't wearing makeup, so that kind of made me feel like a hobbit too, so maybe that was more my problem.  either way, this spider was about the size of a gerbil.  and just sitting on my laundry room wall.

so i called The Man downstairs to kill this spider for me as i sat on top of the washing machine and squealed.  so he squashed it dead...or so we thought.  as we were talking about how huge and gross it was, its nervous system pulled a 'headless chicken' on us and his legs started unfurling and moving around.  oh. my. word.  todd had to put on his yardwork gloves just to pick it up and throw it in the trash - it was that gross.  and todd was that creeped out.

i will, from now on, be washing all laundry by hand in my kitchen sink.  and who really needs a t.v.? or a shower? (yes, the only working shower in our house is in the basement; more on that later.)  not me.  i'm never going down in the basement again, and i'll probably stink really bad and have no clean clothes and lose all my friends as a result and i will have THAT SPIDER to blame.

i hate that spider.

SO...later that night (the same night that todd killed the nasty hybrid rodent-spider), todd woke up at 3:30 a.m. and was all, what was that?  and because i'm a peach when i'm woken up unexpectedly, i was all, i didn't hear anything let me keep sleeping.  then todd was all like, i think there's something by our window.  and i was all, is it a june bug because those things are SICK.

and todd flipped on the light and you know what it was? A BAT.  stuck between our headboard and the window.  less than 12 inches from my sleeping head.

the end.

oh, you mean you want to hear how the bat story turned out?  well, considering it is a story in itself and this blog is already about as long as my house is old and creepy, i'll tell you thursday, so stay tuned.

(and no, i'm pretty sure i don't have rabies, so i will be around to tell you.  probably.)


Anonymous said...

Just in case you do have rabies, the vaccines aren't terrible.
I had to have them, along with the hemoglobin antidote about 18 months ago when I was bitten by a homeless guy's dog. (Turns out "Babygirl" wasn't so kind. Last time I ever give a guy with ripped overalls a $5.) I may have appeared to have a tumor on my arm thanks to the huge amount of hemoglobin shoved in there, but I was safely rabies free.
Just some encouragement. ;)

whenjeskasparks said...

i am SO nervous just reading this that i have the jibblies and i feel like my office probably has a million hobbit-spiders and OMYGOSHOMYGOSHOMYGOSHOMYGOSHOMYGOSHOMYGOSHOMYGOSH i might cry.

if i saw either of those, i literally would just cry and cry and cry and then move out.
declare the house haunted, turn it into a tourist trap and pay it off with all the money you get in all the while living in a nice condo with a pool.