something you may not know about me.

i have terrible teeth.  well, they're hard as diamonds and i've never had a cavity, but they're as crooked as a used car salesman.  or, they used to be.

after dr. francis (god rest his orthodontics license), a head-gear (yes - say a word and i'll cut you), two surgeries followed by giant purple mouth bandages, two permanent metal retainers glued to the back of my teeth, and merely 7 years of braces: voila.  easy peasy (sugar-free) lemon squeezy, right?

however, here's the part  you may not know: i still wear a retainer most nights.  and yes, it is the same retainer i walked out with from my last orthodontic eighth grade.  and yes, it's full of holes and about ready to fall apart but i'm too lazy and miserly to shell out for a new one.  and yes, i'm fairly positive that i've swallowed a few plastic shards in my sleep as a result of my old-as-the-pyramids retainer. 

oh well,  what's a little plastic in my bloodstream?  i still have a plastic piece from an old lip ring stuck in my lip and i haven't died yet.  if we've learned anything from hollywood, it's that foreign objects under your skin can't kill you.  in fact, they seem to pickle you indefinitely.

so maybe my retainer can indirectly help me achieve immortality.  i will have really straight teeth for all eternity...tell me that's not the plot to a really awesome novel.  somebody contact james cameron, i'm ready to sell the rights.

oh, and that kid in the picture a) is not me and b) looks like he might bite you if you make fun of his grill.

oh, and one other thing you might not know about me: i have stolen from the poor.


Anonymous said...

reading this all I could think of is that scene from the trailer to Date Night when Tina Fey takes out her retainer to get ready for... business time... and with the retainer comes a giant stream of saliva... haha

If that has happened to you... please tell :-)

whenjeskasparks said...

FRANCIS! *shakes fist*
you, me and adam doscher all had the same goon.

"ohhhhpen ohpen ohpen ohpen..." do you remember that?
he is one of the reasons contributing to my teeth problems. burhhrhrrh.