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what it (sometimes) really feels like to church plant.

Last week was hard.  The students are back, and the church officially launched, and homeschool is in full swing.  There are things vying for my time and attention, and on the one hand it feels good, because I feel productive, and I feel most confident about myself when I'm actually accomplishing something.  But I think this church plant is exposing the lies I most readily believe: that I am only as valuable as my contributions.   That I stop existing when I'm no longer offering anything to anybody.  That I'm only worth as much as I can accomplish.

I think that can be the hard part of semi-nomadic ministry for me.  I feel like I pour myself into the ministry God gives me in a given spot, and then we're uprooted again, and I have nothing to show for it.  A few people have touched base since we left, but not many.  Almost no one asks, genuinely, how I'm doing with everything.  And if I'm being honest, I have been dealing with some hurt feelings and bitterness in response.

If I were to answer, genuinely, the question of how I'm doing with everything, I would say, "Not that well."  I hate our house, and I feel like a total ingrate because I can't just buck up and change my attitude about it.  I miss friends and family who don't seem to even notice or care that I've left.  I'm already drowning in homeschool and we're only three weeks in.  I think I may be in over my head with some of the outreach opportunities I've been given.  I get up at 8:00 in the morning, and by 10:30 I have to take a nap because I can't function.  And listing it all out makes me look like a sad-sack who can't get her crap together.

And I would still tell you that I wouldn't trade this life for anything.  I would still tell you that I'm absolutely convinced God will show up in this in amazing ways.  That he will use even this for my good.  These things are still true.  But it's hard.  It's lonely.  It's messy.  And I'm really tired.  These things are also true.  

1 comment :

todd said...

thank you for not buying the stupid Christianized lie that life must be endured by turning frowns upside down and pretending hard things aren't hard. thank you for not giving up and thank you for giving an insight into what it looks like to pay high costs as we pursue the highest rewards.