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i'm hoping the fountain of youth is really just found in a pair of bedazzled jeans.

erg, you guys, i'm getting old.  i've felt it for a while now, just with the achier joints and the more brittle hair and the seemingly thyroid-related 'resistant weight loss.'  (thyroid disease is not a young-person problem, i've gathered.)  the other day i noticed that the skin under my chin is starting to sag.  i've started noticing that most 'young' people in the media are younger than i am, which is a shift.  but the clincher came a few nights ago, when a well-meaning teenager invited me to sing along to the new taylor swift song (which, hello, is irresistible) and i did... and then she was all, 'oh, you like the kids' music?'

and i was like, HOW OLD DO YOU THINK I AM?! I AM TWENTY-EIGHT!  I AM ONLY A COUPLE OF YEARS OLDER THAN TAYLOR HERSELF, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.  I AM NOT OLD AND I RESENT ANY IMPLICATIONS OTHERWISE.  I. AM. NOT. OLD.

and even as i shouted it, i knew it was only partway true, and also understood that there was no way on earth that a fourteen-year-old could understand that twenty-eight is not ancient.  i'm two lifetimes old to her.  i remember being twenty-one and becoming friends with a twenty-three-year-old and not even being able to imagine a day when i would be as old as she was.  (although, she's now thirty, obviously, so joke's on her.)

all that to say, at the ripe old age of twenty-eight, i'm not only feeling old, but i'm reaching the age where other people don't assume i'm young.  and that's sad to me.  so to try and combat that perception, i'm going to start trying my darnedest to seem younger:  i'm planning on buying myself some really low-rise Miss Me jeans in my high school size (because if it says it on the tag, it becomes true, and everyone else agrees that it must be your size) and some cap-sleeve tshirts that say stuff like "spoiled" and "whatever" on them.  i'm going to bleach my hair a really shocking shade of brass (except for the roots, obviously, which will remain dark, because dark roots give the illusion of volume, and volume gives the illusion of youth.)  i will always chew gum.  and i'll probably start tanning and smoking, because those things undoubtedly make you look younger for the first year or two.  and i'll definitely put my nose ring back in to round out the look.

this is the beginning of a new era for paige van voorst, so get ready, world.  i'm about to turn back the hands of time, and if i can't seem young, at least i can seem like an old person who's trying to seem young.  which is clearly the next best thing.  if anyone wants a ride in my new soft-top jeep, just page me.


2 comments :

todd said...

nice touch with the pager. certainly people will assume you're like a doogie howser, YOUNG dr. or something. either way, YOUNG is all that they will remember after seeing your pager.

the jersk. said...

gosh, i totally understand this. it's like when people reference a "young guy" and he's never older than 22. whomp. we are oldies. does that mean we can start our own golden girls?