revolutionary lash xtreme!

it comes as a shock to absolutely no one that most beauty advertising is insanely hyperbolic. most ads are all like, 'lose 12 pounds in less than five minutes!'  'this shampoo will make your hair so shiny, it will blind the sun!' 'this face cream will make you look like you're eight years old!  in under a week!'

i really could stop there, but i'm having fun and starting to suspect i have a future in advertising, so i'm going to keep going.

'this ultraluxe shimmer powder is made with the sweat of Sea Biscuit and some angel feathers.'

'want your friends' eyes to shrivel up to dust? brush with this arcticblastyhighoctanehalogen toothpaste!'

'this supervamp lipstick will make the pope want to kiss you on the mouth!'  nope, i've gone too far.

anyway, the one beauty product that consistently takes the cake for hyperbolically hyperbolic marketing is mascara.  you know it is.

i just looked on amazon for a brief sampling of mascara lines.  here are just a few names/nonsense words i found, and i swear i didn't make up a single one:

naturaluxe mousse
lashblast clump crusher
colossal volum' express
lashblast bombshell volume
the falsies
fabulash grow luscious
double extend beauty tubes
lash fantasy total definition
voluminous million lashes

i suspect that at a certain point, the ad guys for mascara were all like, 'give me an aggressive or sexy word, and pair it with a word that's synonomous with XTREMEZ.  yeah.  on the money.'

so i figured i'd play along.  here are my own suggestions for new mascara lines.  you're so very welcome.

~luxeninja mascara for women.

~big old fat lashes.

~fantasy highrise suprem.

~daydream voluptulash.


~thicky's whiskers for women's eyes.  (i would sell this by the register at liquor stores and gas stations in the southern states.)

(and then there are todd's indescribably excellent suggestions, including WhipLash, faceSplosion, Eye Caramba!, and Ridiculash.)

that's all i've got for now, but in all humility, i think my ideas are pretty great.  why is no one paying me for this?  or better yet, paying the advertising team that is The Unstoppable Van Voorsts?  probs because our fees are understandably exorbitant.

okay, your turn to stretch those advertising hammies: what would you name a mascara line?


the jersk. said...

not gonna lie, i'd totally buy "big ol' fat lashes" but only if it dropped the 'd' in old. i think we should market that.

todd said...

thicky's whiskers for women's eyes

that is funny.

Jessica said...

I LOVE "Ridicu-LASH!"
That totally beats the pants off of "Redonku-LASH."

todd said...


I also lobbied for the name: "LIDZ"

Or how about: "40 minus 1"

Danielle said...


40 MINUS 1!!! bahahahahaha!

Ashley Hinton said...

I vote for big ol' fat lashes :) :)

todd said...


I love that you get that joke!!!

todd said...

mustaches fo lashes

todd said...


todd said...



todd said...


todd said...

100 meter lash

todd said...

eye buntings

todd said...


todd said...

lash cab

todd said...


todd said...

buy lashes