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like jeans on an hourglass, these are the days of my life.

well, readers, it's official: according to target jeans sizing, i'm now officially a 'curvy' girl.  since having laurelai, i have not lost the baby weight.  in fact, i've gained it back and then some - as in, i weigh more now than i did at 42 weeks pregnant.  not sure why, i just know that's what has happened.

and i would love to be able to say that i'm consistently confident that it's christ who determines my value and beauty, not the world's standard of 'ideal.'  i know in my head that what i'm comparing myself to is a bunch of new-mom celebrities who have combo c-section/liposuction surgeries.  that changes and uniquenesses in size and shape are valued by god, not condescended.  that it's likely a postpartum season and not how i'll end up looking foreverandeveramen.  and even if i do end up permanently looking differently than i used to, that god values motherhood and designed it in part to change women for their betterment and sanctification, so maternal body changes are actually a beautiful thing to god.

but you know what?  i'm not consistently believing those truths.  i'm struggling with my body image.

so it leaves me questioning, who am i if i'm not who i've always been? what do people think when they see me - are they surprised?  do they pity me or something, since they know how i used to look?  and it just kind of ... stinks, you know?

and i'm really guessing i'm not alone in having feelings like this.  so i figured i'd not only share my struggles with it, but also tell you i'm attempting to fight those lies.

*my beauty and worth do not change when my body does.  god is good, loving, constant, and does not condemn anyone who is in christ.  i am striving for something that i already have.

*when i get wrapped up in thinking about what i look like, it makes me less likely to be thinking of others.  when i don't want to invite people over because they'll see me in the only pair of sweatpants that still fit, i'm putting my own self-image in a place that prevents me from serving and loving and considering others, which is the sin of self-worship and it's idolatry.  i've actually noticed a drastic decrease in the amount of time i spend thinking about other people and their prayer concerns as my time thinking about myself has increased.

*i should revere what god thinks, not what people think.  do i really think god looks down and sees chubbiness as my defining characteristic, or that he's criticizing my weight?  no.  so what if i assume the gay guy behind the customer service desk at target thinks i look dumpy?  so what?

*trial and discomfort and struggles are good things.  god says explicitly in scripture that difficult things are blessings.  privileges.  they push me to cling to god, to cling to truth, to fight to cooperate with god's spirit that is growing me into a person that i couldn't be without him.  i don't want to be a comfortable, happy, stagnant christian.  i want to be like jesus, who had to suffer for god's glory and suffered well. 

*it's all about perspective.  jesus died on a cross. christians are being martyred across the world.  i just want to look like kim kardashian.  i think i've got the better end of that tribulation stick.

if you find yourself relating to believing any of the lies i mentioned, i'd encourage you to fight with me to believe truth.  first we have to hear it, then we have to choose to believe it's true even when our feelings want us to believe otherwise.  it's not enough to just admit we struggle or sin or fall - we should want to truly repent and allow god to use our trials to plant truth deeply in our hearts.  let's fight to be sturdy in the truth, not just solid in the body :).

2 comments :

todd said...

I know this means much less to a lady than it would to a man, but my initial reaction to reading that is to want to give you a big windmill high-five followed by a fantastic mr. fox wolf-fist!

On a more feminine note that may resonate better with you, I did find my eyes welling up a little as I read in thinking about how grateful I am to have a wife who loves Jesus and fights the good fight of believing in the Gospel when everything else appears to be chanting good news.

I love you my wife.

todd said...

PROVERBS 12:4

An excellent wife is the crown of her husband