Tuesday, November 19, 2013

dogs are people, too! (no. they're not.)

i've been thinking a lot lately about this phenomenon in which folks mistake dogs for people.  like, where they call them their kids and buy them clothes and display photos of them in their wallets/on their blogs.  and beyond issuing the gentle reminder that dogs are, well, dogs, i would just like to clarify a few things for those of you out there comparing owning dogs with raising children:


1. you shouldn't put a collar on your toddler. but if you do, it should be tasteful.

2. you shouldn't try to breastfeed your dog.  you know, because of their teeth and the universally recognized fact that they're notoriously bad latchers.  also, mostly just because of their teeth. 

3. generally speaking, you should only occasionally take your toddlers for walks on a leash.

4. you shouldn't allow your toddler to lick your open wounds.

5. kicky rainboots are for humans.  only humans.

6. tempting though it is, you probably shouldn't leave your kid in a kennel while you're at work.

7. don't diaper your dog.  usually.

8. if your kid craps in the yard or pees on your neighbor's hydrant, you might have a behavior issue on your hands.  if your dog pees in the toilet, that is a magic dog and should have its own youtube channel and some kind of trophy.

9.  you should not have a picture of only your dog as your facebook profile picture.  i would also say the same about your kids, harsh though it may sound.  (it's unnerving to search for a friend's profile and see some toddler staring back at you - if you're anything like me, you start to panic that some kind of benjamin button-style witchcraft is happening at your friend's house.  plus, it's just bad for your social standing to have a bunch of toddlers as your facebook friends.  it's like you're trying too hard.)

10. dogs are not kids.  dogs smell better and bite the neighbors less often. 

11. the end.

3 comments:

todd said...

You should not feed your toddler ground up horse.

You should not feed your dog chocolate.

Only rarely should anyone eat a dog.

No one should eat toddlers.

Heather said...

dying.

i would only add "usually" to #10.

Ashley Hinton said...

You need to come visit the mall I work at in Michigan. There is a fancy dog bakery with food so delicious I want to eat it, dog strollers, dog purses, dog clothing, dog accessories, it goes on and on… a couple of weeks ago a lady came into Nordstrom and proudly proclaimed that it was Tinkerbell's 2551st walk in our mall and her 1000th time in Nordstrom.

I had to walk away so she couldn't see me laugh.