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the year of the womanly arts...not so much.

i almost titled it, 'the year of the womanly farts' because it's going so poorly, but i realize that doesn't really make any sense, it's just funny because it includes the word 'fart.'  ...maybe i should have just gone with that; it's worthy of a low-brow chuckle at least.

anyway.  the year of the womanly arts.  i am failing.  miserably.

i forgot to pack my tweezers, so i haven't plucked my eyebrows (or, if i'm being honest, my rogue chin hairs) in like two months.  there was that one time i tried to use hot wax to deal with it (yeah, i remembered the hot wax but not the tweezers.  i'm paige van voorst and i'm impractical) but i got a bunch of wax in the hair at my temples and had to cut it out... since then, i've developed a delicate balance of ignoring my wonky bert-and-ernie eyebrows and carefully cutting off my chin hairs with baby fingernail clippers. 

i have three skirts that i rotate between since they're the only thing i find remotely comfortable.  so they're always dirty or wrinkled, and they only sometimes match my shirt.  my shirts are all covered with grease stains on the belly, because that's what maternity shirts do for some reason.  i tried wearing jeans the other day, but they pinched a nerve in my leg so badly that i swore i had a blood clot and was about to die of a pulmonary embolism.

i have nail polish on one thumb and that is all.

my hair got rained on at a parade on saturday morning (ironic) and i haven't showered since then, so i've been walking around looking like erykah badu for the last three days.

but on the bright side, we live in a basement, where the light is always dim, so maybe no one has noticed.  also on the bright side, i'm about to have a baby and everyone will just chalk up my haphazard appearance to sleep deprivation and remaining lumps of baby weight!  that excuse is one of the reasons i love having a newborn.  (todd loves having one more reasonable person to blame his in-public farts on.  and there you go: back to farts and we've come full circle.  my job here is done.)

2 comments :

todd said...

hey, babies fart too sometimes.
i mean, sometimes, it's the baby.

Alyssa Neiers said...

You're growing a baby so that's about as womanly as it gets, right?