tweet this.

you may know that i don't have a twitter account.  and that, friends, is on principle.

twitter just gives people license for idiocy and narcissism, and i'm already annoyed by people who abuse their opportunity to update their facebook status with, say, news of their failing health.  call me cold-hearted, but i don't need a play-by-play of your bout with the flu or gangrene or whatever it is.  a simple, 'i caught the common cold and am now on my deathbed' is sufficient for me to learn of your ailments and offer up sympathetic prayers to the heavens.  what does NOT incite me to any remotely compassionate emotion is status updates spaced 2-3 minutes apart that go a little something like this:

*have the flu but decided to eat taco john's anyway.  suspecting this is a bad idea.

*just barfed up taco john's.

*omg, just took my temp and it's like 104.  i'm pretty sure this is not the flu.  i think i have food poisoning.  maybe i should call 911.

*no, my brother came over yesterday and he just called and he has the flu.  i bet it's just the flu.

*i'd go to sleep if it weren't for this darn flu.  now i'm soooo tirrrred.

*my stomach hurts so much from all the puking.  but god is good.

*what do you think:  i've been barfing for three hours and i can't sleep and i have chills and a fever and can't keep down even a single potato ole.  webMD says i probably have cancer.  should i go to the doctor?
insert lots of response comments consisting of webMD diagnoses and adamant "absolutely - my sister thought she had the flu but really it was a parasite and would have died if she didn't get to the doctor in time"s here.

*just made a doctor appointment.  they couldn't get me in to the regular doctor, though, and i have to see the on-call doctor.  life really sucks for me right now.  don't they know i probably have the flu and can only be comforted by my regular doctor?

*just saw the on-call doctor.  he doesn't seem as wealthy as my regular guy; his dockers were starting to wear out at the pockets, but he's not married and kind of cute.  life really sucks for me right now since i look like a barfed-up potato ole, but remember, i have the flu, so that's understandable i guess.  maybe he could see past that and just love me for me and we could get married and i would be Mrs. On-Call Doctor.

*forgot to mention:  i was officially diagnosed with the flu.  anyone want to bring chicken soup and crackers and burn down taco john's for me?  pretty pleeeease?

*my flu seems to be letting up, but now i'm experiencing some joint pain in my shoulder.  but at least i don't have a fever, and god is good, right?  (insert bible verse about enduring shoulder pain.)

*wow, my shoulder really hurts.

at this point, i'm all like, i bet a punch to the face would take your mind off your joint pain.

so, anyway, back to twitter.

now, i've never even been to the twitter site (it is a website, right?) to see if my suspicions are valid, but it's mainly because i don't need to.  i'm guessing that 60% of people who have twitter use it to offer up-to-the-minute doppler on their bathroom habits, favorite foods, and the crazy antics of their pets.  and you know what?  i don't need that kind of crap in my life right now.  or ever.  so no twitter it is.


The Crislers said...

Oh, that's hilarious. The whole FB feed (I've blocked so many people from my feed for going on and on about their poor, pitiful lives that I've contemplated just closing my account completely, but I just keep going back because a few people- like yourself- make it worthwhile), and the twitter thing. Is it a website? I've always assumed it was... but... now I'm doubting myself. Obviously I'm not a tweeter, either. Or a twitterer. Or whatever.

todd said...

i think it's tweetie. but i don't know either. it might be a website?