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i cried the ugly cry today, with mouth all warbly and stretched thin and mascara running and then the migraine.  and i  don't really even know why i'm crying, and this ugly, but something is lost and i can't find it and i don't even know where to look.

and all about babies.  i'm not a baby-girl by nature.  sure, i like them; who hates a baby?  but now there are my babies, and all babies are different because.  and there is so much to weep and pray over my babies - and one day i will wake up and they will be gone.  no more diapers, no more fighting for (in)dependence, no more garage sale spit-up stains and drudgery drudgery drudgery.  and all the self-doubt that comes like breathing will be gone - am i good at this? will they remember this? why are my boobs saggier, my eyes darker, my lips all cracked and sandy and gross? when is it my turn to have someone clean me and feed me and pour into me?

but no more 'hup mama' and no more 'pay mama' and no more tiny hands in prayer.  no more noise and mess and things to fear.  no more cuddles and kisses and awe.  no blind love and they don't see my perfectionism or my skin or my gimpy attempts at this christian life.

and i miss it already, which scares me because i've only just started all this to be afraid of the end so soon.

and then, not to even mention those babies.  the ones i see in pictures and read about...  the ones i see coming home on airplanes to people i know.  the ones whom god loves and i want to love but don't have and i miss them.  and i'm afraid of them because how can i even take care of my own babies half the time and how can i miss their milestones and how can i help bind up the wounds of loss that i've never even known myself?  and how can i ever be an adequate replacement for what they've lost when they've lost so much and i am so inadequate?

and you know those times when all you can say is, 'god, i don't know.  i don't know.'  i don't know why i cry or what i miss or if i've really lost anything to begin with or if i'm just being paranoid.  but today i miss the babies i don't have and i miss the babies i don't have anymore.  and i realize if i ugly cry more often i might be able to live this life a little easier.