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two things i know: that i am a great sinner and that god is a great savior.

penelope went in last friday again to get weighed.  she dropped nine more ounces and is now in the first percentile.  according to the doctor, she is malnourished.

can i just tell you how heartbreaking it is...to know that your baby needs just a few things from you and that you can't give it to her...to think about how happy she has been now knowing that she's been so hungry the whole time...to know how your body is supposed to work, and how it has worked in the past, and that it won't this time, for whatever reason...to know that sometimes your best isn't good enough...to know that this isn't a game and i can't afford to prove anything to myself...to second-guess everything i've done thus far to provide for my children...

maybe the reason atticus only gained a pound betwen 6 months and 12 was because he was hungry, too? maybe he's bottomless for a reason?  maybe he knows what it is to be truly hungry?

and then i read an article in the sunday paper about children that got deported with their parents after the postville raid.  about tiny children living in poverty.  about a little girl, 20 months old (one month younger than atticus), who has stopped growing because gone are the days of fruit and yogurt and meat.  all they can fill her bottle with is coffee...

and can i tell you just how...blessed i am in the midst of all of the frustration and self-doubt?  i have food to feed my toddler.  i get to pick and choose what we eat and from where we get it.  if it turns out that i have to stop nursing, i have quick and easy access to a long list of milk alternatives...all of which i would complain about the cost, but ultimately can afford.  i will get to mix it, on demand, with clean water.  my children will never be truly hungry, truly malnourished.  i will never have to watch helplessly as they suffer the lack of basic necessities.  and i am so grateful to our good, good Jesus.

but there is this nagging in the back of my mind...maybe i'm too quick to brush off the "coffee in the bottle" because it leads me to gratefulness for the true comfort and provision my family has received.  is the whole purpose of that story just to point me to thankfulness for how great i truly do have it when i'm tempted to think i don't?  regardless of how thankful i am or am not, that mother still has to watch her little girl drink coffee instead of milk.  her reality doesn't change because i'm thankful for my own situation.  and would Jesus tell me, well done, good and faithful servant because i felt grateful?

1 comment :

lauren said...

I know that this has been really hard on you. I understand why you feel bad but I hope you also see that penelope is SO blessed to have you as a mom. If it ends up that you aren't able to be her only source of milk, I know that will be hard for you but just think of all the things you are able to give her! Penelope has been born into an amazing family that will do all they can to introduce her to a deep relationship with God. Just the fact that giving her formula makes you feel sad shows how much you love her! Paigie, you are a truly wonderful mom and don't ever think otherwise. I love you.