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admission.

can i admit something? i haven't been okay lately.

i think it's just pregnancy- (and maybe weather-) related, but i have been struggling with depression, anxiety, migraines, insomnia. i feel lonely, stressed, isolated, exhausted and restless. i toggle between lethargy and running ragged. there are days that i drink cream soda for breakfast and make brownies for lunch because i want comfort food, but then i feel even worse throughout the day because i'm not taking care of myself. i'm exhausted at the end of the day, but anxiety keeps me awake for hours (or wakes me up once i'm asleep). i cry - or snap - at a moment's notice. i'm not okay.

for the last few weeks there have been more good days than bad days, but then a bad day will come and kick my butt. today has been one of those days.

i have realized through all this, though, that god is gracious and faithful and gives me what i need to get through my day. sometimes it's by supernaturally granting me patience when i have none left, and sometimes it's just by being someone to talk to in a voice other than my 'atticus' voice.

i have also realized that, in spite of how trying and inconvenient and downright horrible things might be (or seem to be), there is no doubt in my mind that motherhood is a high, high calling. this is all worth it - i never wonder. so many women have hesitancy regarding becoming a mom or committing themselves and their time fully to raising their kids...but it's so priceless in so many ways. and even when things are hard and at the end of the day you feel like you have nothing left to give, god so blesses mothers for being mothers! i have been just so reassured of this lately. so this has been a hard, good time.

6 comments :

Ted n' Tiff said...

Paige- you are a beautiful person! being at home and only hearing the "atticus" voice as well as being pregnant and having no sunshine outside can definitely make a mommy depressed. it is quite understandable just don't be too hard on yourself. hope you have some better days and if you are ever in need of chatting give me a call, I'd love to talk with you!

lauren said...

I love you so much! More than I could ever say.

sarah said...

Paige! thank you for your honesty! I have been feeling somewhat of the same way lately. It is hard, especially when it's so dang cold out, to not feel isolated and depressed. I'm so ready for this snow to melt and to play outside w/ Roman! Plus, when we have these silly pregnancy hormones raging, it doesn't help much. I love to get together with you!! I'm free pretty much all day everyday! :) Let me know if you want to hang out!

Danielle said...

I am so coming to see you again next week. I'm so glad to have seen you today!

BeckyPerky said...

Call if you want company... If not, Keep Talking! It makes you feel better and the rest of us will be here to support you!

The best part of working for MSL is a flexible schedule!

Chippy said...

let me know if you need anything ... i'm just a building over ... 712-579-4699