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repentance

a hundred and three is forever when you're just a little kid
so cyrus jones lived forever.
- dave matthews

i heard these lyrics this morning and was totally kicked in the pants.

i will die. even if i live "forever" - so long from now it's unfathomable - i will still die. so what am i living for?

todd told me the other day about a pastor who always signs off by saying, "have a good and godly day, because of what eternal consequence is a good day if it is not also godly?"

i think i have been living for the good days - the ones when atticus takes good naps, and when my husband and i connect on a deep level, and when my house is clean, and when i get to connect with friends. i've been living for sleep and staying home with my son and being productive and relaxing and date nights with my husband.

all of these things are good things, don't get me wrong. they're all great gifts from god. but they're not god. and of what eternal consequence are the good things if they're not also godly?

i've been pursuing fulfillment in people and activities. i've been pursuing fulfillment in my passion to see moms stay at home, to be a better wife, to foster relationships, to grocery shop on a tight budget. some seem trivial to others, but these are the things i'm passionate about.

i would not say that i'm passionate about god.

i'm passionate for the things he gives me, even for the things he commands me to do, such as submitting to my husband and focusing my energies on my family.

but i haven't been passionate about him.

and of what eternal consequence will be a clean house or even a good marriage or a well-mannered kid if they don't come as a result of my passion for god? i have been living for such temporal things.

but i can tell you this: even if you have a great marriage and great friends and a great kid (all of which i have), you will be lonely and directionless unless you seek your fulfillment and purpose from the only One who can give you fulfillment and purpose. it is a HUGE lie that once you get married, your spouse will fill that lonely hole, or once you have a kid their dependence on you will fill it. you will be lonely. because we were meant to be missing something...searching for fulfillment...and finding it in god. he will not let you fill it with anything or anyone else.

pouring yourself out for anything other than christ means that someday you will face yourself, your God, or both, and realize that you have poured yourself down a drain. for nothing. i have been pouring myself down a drain. i have been going nowhere and living for things that are nothing without god.

but i'm ready to be committed, to be passionate, to be focused. first and foremost, because i want to know my creator, to find my purpose and direction and meaning in him. to know who he is and who i am in him. but besides that, how can i encourage my husband, or be patient with my child, or raise atticus to know and love the lord if i don't know and love him myself?

please pray for me. i need to be continually broken - and if that's what it takes, that's what i want. it scares me a little, but saying that something is worth fighting for means that it may actually require a fight, right?

4 comments :

Lauren said...

Such a good word. I think praying for brokenness glorifies God immensely. Instead of praying for things that we would like, we are praying to have every distraction stripped from us so that our eyes are completely fixed on Him. I really liked this post.

tivo vovo said...

you are a beautiful wife. i love that your love the LORD enough to see all else as meaningless if without Him. the preacher of ecclesiastes was right. he found about everything there was to find and had access to about all any would want access, yet at the end of the day he discovered that even the enjoyment of those things is a gift from God and one not to be enjoyed apart from enjoying the Giver first and foremost.

ecclesiastes 2:15-16
15 Then I thought in my heart,
"The fate of the fool will overtake me also.
What then do I gain by being wise?"
I said in my heart,
"This too is meaningless."
16 For the wise man, like the fool, will not be long remembered;
in days to come both will be forgotten.
Like the fool, the wise man too must die!

Danielle said...

I love you Paige! You have my prayers. Thank you for your honesty - it's something we need a lot more of! (from everyone, not just you :) ) You're beautiful, and I can't wait till we get to talk again!

tivo vovo said...

2 samuel 14:14

we must all die. we are all like water spilled on the ground which cannot again be gathered, but God does not take away life and he devises means so that the banished one will not remain an outcast.