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this too shall pass

todd and i were discussing the origins of the phrase, "this too shall pass" on tuesday on our way up to sioux center. to make a long story short, king solomon wanted something that would make him both happy and sad at the same time, and his servant turned up this saying (this is legend, not biblical). and most of the time when i look at atticus, i can totally see why this fulfilled the king's request.

there is this delicate balance that exists as atticus grows - the relief of knowing that someday middle of the night feedings and lugging heavy carseats and being sticky ALL THE TIME will pass...i'll sleep (theoretically), and have flabby biceps, and maybe even feel clean, and life will be good. but he'll also stop cooing, stop being enthralled by silly things like my hand or the pie pan i hung from his bouncy seat (thanks for the idea, allison), stop being perfectly content with spending his whole day staring at me. he'll stop needing me as wholly and desperately as he does now. this too shall pass, and it's so sad sometimes. (not that i want to wind up with a forty year old son that lives in my guestroom and still needs me to pat his butt to put him to sleep.)

i already miss his newborn self so much, but i love the little guy he is. i'm so excited to see him grow up, but i don't want to let go of the little guy he is. and i can't help but wonder what i'll look back on and wish i had done differently, appreciated more, been more willing to let go of. and i can't help but wonder what HE'LL look back on and wish i had done differently, appreciated more, been more willing to let go of. and i wonder if he'll ever totally forgive me for the mistakes i'm sure to make, or if the happy memories will outweigh the rough ones. or if, when he has kids, he'll be adamant that he'll raise them so much better than i had raised him. or if he'll say things like, "my mom did the best she could, but..."

i just wish wisdom came completely and immediately. i wish i didn't have to make mistakes BEFORE i knew how to do things right. i wish i didn't have to live 25 years in order to have 25 years of knowledge.

but mostly i wish i was god - existing outside of time, being able to experience past, present and future all at once, never making mistakes or being sinfully selfish, always being the perfect parent.

but thankfully, GOD is god, and he forgives me when my sin makes me fall short of these things, and he reassures me when my humanity limits my abilities to experience these things. and it all makes me think about eternity, where time (presumably) is not a continuum and where there is no regret. it's unfathomable, really.

1 comment :

whenjeskasparks said...

granted, i'm sans-children, but i'm glad i'm not the only one who thinks this way.

i love you very, very, much.
i am in town until sunday, and i will give you a call after church and see if i can pop in for a bit.

i wanna see the li'l guy!