not me monday (holla, paris hilton!)

(started by mckmama)

. i did not get SERIOUSLY pooped on yesterday when atticus exploded out of his diaper all the way up to his armpits. i did not have to take his poopy onesie off over his head without being able to avoid getting it in his hair and on his face. i did not think it was the grossest thing that has ever happened to me, including that time i got bled on by a stranger.

. i did not have a dream that i was an unwed, pregnant mother who got kidnapped by the hilton family (who then took me, as well as the other pregnant women they kidnapped, out to dinner to make us feel better about it all) so that they could steal my baby and run paternity tests on it.

. i did not analyze my dream, concluding that it must mean that i feel safe knowing that i have todd, and that i hate the hiltons. even though paris DID offer me her pink horse. and even though her mom hugged me when i started to cry because i made a fool out of myself at dinner. (apparently, i didn't know that it was faux pas at a rich-people restaurant to cut my corn into tiny pieces before eating it and to throw my wheatie-wheels on the floor - yes, in my dream, i invented a new cereal.) i still hate the hiltons.

. i have not jipped my child into taking his nebulizer treatments by doing them while he's been asleep. i have not laughed at how ridiculous he looks with his fish-face nebulizer mask, or at how MAD he gets when he has to be awake for a treatment.

. i did not accidentally cyberstalk a stranger because i didn't take enough time to read her self-description to know she wasn't actually one of my best friends from college. i did not overlook the fact that she referenced a boyfriend/husband that did not have the same name as my friend's boyfriend. or the fact that she lived in a different state.

. i have not been pulling my hair out by the handfuls (literally) and i do not suspect that i will be completely bald by april.

. i did not find myself army-crawling into our bedroom to turn on the lullaby machine without being spotted.

. i did not attempt to save money by trying to make my own tortilla chips...only to have those efforts fall flatter than flat. (or, actually, flatter than a *store bought* tortilla.) embarrassing pictures soon to come.

also soon to come: our (todd's) latest money-making endeavor!

1 comment :

Ted n' Tiff said...

this is very entertaining, keep up the good work! I especially laughed at the part about army-crawling through the baby's room to avoid being spotted