it's all different now.

alright, so we're at growth spurt #2. it's 12:50 am, i just fed atticus about a half hour ago, and i'm currently balancing him on my legs so that he stays quiet for the next 15 minutes before he's ready to eat again. that way the yeti will stop banging on the vents. i'm not kidding; i'm getting banged at by the yeti. oh, what a topsy turvy world.

i started yoga yesterday. it was awesome; afterward i felt like i used to after i was done with a dance class or session, like taller or something. with bigger lungs. it was the first time since atticus was born that i was truly by myself - without atticus or todd with me. it was actually kind of nice. not that i don't like being with my family, actually just the opposite, but i felt like "me" for a little while. maybe it's selfish that i liked it so much, but it felt really good. my life has turned upside down and looks absolutely nothing like it used to. for the most part, i'm completely glad and i definitely would not trade atticus for the world. i'm just trying to adjust to what life is supposed to be for me now.

half the time, i don't even shower or change out of my pajamas because even if i get the time, i'm usually too tired and unmotivated. and even when i shower, i never feel clean. i don't even feel clean while i'm in the shower. i feel accomplished if i find the time to brush my teeth before noon. it has been more than a month since i've gotten more than 3 consecutive hours of sleep. it's a huge ordeal to even go to target. (do i have the diaper bag? is he dressed warm enough for the car? do i heat the car before i take him out and leave him alone in the apartment, or do i just bundle him extra and take him in a cold car? when we get there, how long do we have before we have to leave because he'll need to eat? am i paying close enough attention to not stop abruptly/talk too loudly/accidently bump anything with the cart for fear of waking him up, having him scream, and being stared at by strangers? when i leave, did i make sure to actually get my sack of purchases, or was i too distracted by trying to manage the cars eat that i forgot?)

atticus went through a growth spurt, then he spent a week refusing to sleep. then he spent a week sleeping, but not really knowing how often he would eat (his routine changed every day). now he's hit his second growth spurt. it feels like life will never "settle" into anything recognizable.

i've heard new moms say these exact things too many times to count. but i guess it just went in one ear and out the other or something, because i'm somehow surprised that it's like this for me. and i don't know if i'm just overly tired because it's 1 am and i've been listening to him cry for the last 4 hours, or if i'm actually as worn out as i feel. all i know is that during the relaxation exercises during yoga, i had to consciously avoid thinking about atticus, otherwise i would tense up and have to start all over, thinking about eating an orange or some other ridiculous suggestion made by the instructor. and i also know that it broke my heart that thinking about eating an orange (or smelling a flower or standing in the rain... the yoga instructor was a little strange) relaxed me more than thinking about my own child.

i really don't want to fall into a pattern of wishing atticus was a little older, because i want to enjoy each stage of life while i have him, but all i can think about is when he's a few months older and sleeping through the night and on a feeding schedule and past his growth spurts and actually smiling at me sometimes instead of just staring at best.

please dont' get the impression that i don't love my family, or that for even a half a second i regret anything. i'm just realizing that i maybe should have listened a little harder to so much of that unsolicited advice during pregnancy. my child is not the sinless baby i thought he would be, and i'm so far from the confident mom i thought i would be. i'm interested to see all the ways god's going to use this time in all our lives. i hope i'm able to handle it all gracefully, but if you've read any of this entry leading up to now, i'm sure you're doubting that as much as i am.


whenjeskasparks said...

oh darling,
you're perfect and golden.
i think you're doing a lovely job and i don't think anyone would think otherwise. and by no means is it selfish to take time away and get grounded back to earth now and then. it's better for you both to make sure that you get some time away, and space, and your personal time.
the sun's face will shine on you again soon, and things will be fantastic.
it was great to see you.
i love you. said...

Ah yes - the days when personal hygiene not only takes a backseat, but sometimes gets kicked out of the ride altogether! All mommas have been there - and it does lessen, though I haven't been in this long enough to be able to say that it goes away completely. Don't lose heart and don't feel guilty. All of this takes adjusting - and sometimes it really can help just to say what you're feeling.

This too, shall pass. I promise. Have you ever heard of Babywise? We'll talk Sunday. Love you!

Andrew said...

Go Paige go!

Ted n' Tiff said...

I remember those days! well, tiff probably does more than me, since I got to "escape" to work during the day. There will come a time when all of a sudden you realize, hey, there is life after having a baby! Although what you said is very true, it is good to make sure and enjoy each stage of their lives.